A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:please help me..ive dated my boyfriend for over two years, we are young, but had plans to marry and have children, to the point where there names were picked out. however..we fight constatly endlessly and its gotten to the point where ive ended the relionship with him. but i know ive done the wrong thing i love him, i didnt want to let him go, i know all the foghts are my fault but i cant stop? i cant let things go, little things big things..and hes sick of it. Currently, he has told me he has fallen out of love some time ago..but he loves me..just not in love..and its killing me, literally.he won't get back togather with me, and ngores me in public places 9since our friends are the same we see eachother quiet alot)everytime i see him, i just break down crying, he will look at me but..i dont know how to fix this..hes the one..and i just cant let him go.. Please help? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Saamm +, writes (15 January 2011):
I was the same way as you I just can let things go but my boyfriend who I have been with for about two years has helped me a lot to overcome that because he loved me so much even if I acted like a the Grudge (that’s the nick name he gives me now when I act like that) I still act the same way but now I have learned how to overcome it. You just have to but your part in the relationship to make it better otherwise if you two don’t work together the relationship will never work. If I was you I would look for him and tell him that you’re going to change and if he can give you another chance but you have to really mean it and willing to do it if he says no that’s okay at least you tried and now you know how to be better for the next relationship.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2011): Sorry, but Pull yourself Together and Say to yourself as you look into the mirror: " I Can Let go and I Will Let go because I am Not Weak and Needy! I am Not Happy and I Deserve to be Happy!"Needy women are completely unattractive to men.You are both different people to people you were two years ago. You are both changing and evolving more as each year passes. He loves you only as a friend, nothing more. It is not possible to make this man magically change his feelings for you. He's told you how he feels. No amount of pleading and talking will change it. You must let him go and let him come to you. And if he doesn't then you can be free of the weight on your shoulders. Plenty more fish in the sea. Time to let go. What ever will be will be. There is no other way. This is a act of maturity.Hold your head high and walk away from this man. Accept the fact that you will never be happy together, only in the fairytale imaginings of your mind. As upset as you are, take this as one of many learning experiences that will form part of the fabric of who you will become in the years ahead. This is an excerpt taken from a previous post that you may find you can relate to:Here is a wonderful quote by author Alan Cohen that relates to your situation I think…‘It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.’... don’t be afraid. You have your whole life ahead of you. There is no reason to use energy on being unhappy. You will always meet new friends. People come and go in our lives, and sometimes they touch our hearts even if it is briefly. Nothing ever stays the same…that is how Life is..
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2011): He has told you he is not in love with you anymore, for him it is over, you have to let it go. It is still raw at the moment, but it will get easier it always does.
When you row with him why can't you stop? That is something you need to work out about yourself.
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A
female
reader, petina1  +, writes (15 January 2011):
 I would have said if he loves you , you both will find away. But i cant get my head around him 'ignoring ' you in public places. Wonder what that's all about. I wonder if he's frightened of a scene and you embarrassing him front of his mates if you start a row. You need to see if y ou can get him on your own, in a private place and just find out for yourself if it's worth saving, or moving on. You will only get that answer by sorting it out with him, where no other friends are there, like an audience.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (15 January 2011):
 breaking up after a seriously intense relationship is totally horrible. No wonder you are distraught.
Two years is a long time, and the first two years of a potentially significant long term relationship represent a very special time. So it is not surprising that he still has affection for you. You will always be an important love in his life. As he will be to you.
But he's saying he's no longer 'in love' with you. Suggesting he doesn't feel the same passion for you, as was the case in the beginning. However initial passion does change to a more comfortable but committed love. Perhaps he is not realising that your maturing love was going to a deeper more committed level. Or he was uncomfortable with that level. But it is unrealistic to expect the early initial passion stage to be sustained at the same initial stage for decades.
He may reconsider, and reunite with you. But one red flag sign for me is his indifference. His turning off, and ignoring you completely. It's as if he's really resolved to finish it. This reaction from him must be very distressing for you.
Don't take the lion's share of the blame for the breakup. The teenage years are when you are still discovering who you are and maturing at the same time.
Maybe you both put too much pressure on yourselves, when your relationship started, trying to be or do what you thought was required.
There is so much ahead of you that is carefree and happy amazing fun. Don't give up hope yet.
Even in a long marriage there are times when the best, most politic thing to do is to 'do no harm, and say nothing'.
Our partners in life are never 100% perfect, and neither are we.
When my guy and I are together we talk a lot. But we also jockey for 'air time'. We don't fight over it, but we do make it clear if the other is going overboard. Yesterday we had to travel a distance. He was hogging the conversation. Seriously. He wasn't taking a breath! So I said, 'at the next set of traffic lights can I get a word in edgeways?' but we do it in a happy way. (he made me wait 3 sets of traffic lights, but that's OK, I've done similar to him) We spend just as much time laughing as talking.
But he knows immediately when I'm not impressed. Since i go quiet. Because I never discuss something bothering me, until I'm calm, and have considered the problem from all angles. He gives me a little time to cool down, then asks me outright, to tell him the problem.
There is a way to fight 'clean' too. Fighting 'dirty' will kill off a relationship.
Fighting dirty brings in all sorts of irrelevant points, brings back into the conversations things that were said to be resolved before. Fighting dirty is irrational. So why do people do it? Because it is very hurtful. And sometimes angry people want to inflict hurt, commensurate with how hurt they are. Or people often 'fight dirty' as that is the only way they think they can resolve things. But instead it only makes things worse.
Far better to fight clean. Focus on a single Concern: 'When you do....X it results in ....... And that makes me feel....... Therefore in future I ask that you do..... Instead/or stop doing X'
If a person tries to fight back dirty, then you just repeat your Concern.
If a person replied to your concern: 'no you don't feel that' they are not being respectful of your feelings. They can either respect your feelings on the single issue or not.
A good relationship is not full of fights, recriminations and tensions.
If your Guy comes back to you there is still a need to develop some ground rules of how you interact in the future. A sort of 'don't sweat the small stuff' rule.
But if he is unwilling to relent and refuses to return then you have the hard task of rebuilding your own belief in you. Because a big break like this, and going from a couple to be all on your own, is very tough. In the process you learn more about you, and grow wiser and stronger. But no one would wish you the pain it takes to arrive at that better place and better understanding of you.
My best wishes to you at this difficult time
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2011): You cannot fix things. It is over. You just have to accept it and move on. You are very young, you will love again. Be hopeful
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A
female
reader, FluffyPie +, writes (15 January 2011):
 If he's making you feel like cr*p, he is not the one.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2011): By the sounds of this he might have been the one until you pushed him away to be someone else's one. You said yourself that you were the cause. Work on getting him out of your system and get counseling. He's moved on, it appears. Learn from this so you don't push the next one away.
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