A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating him for little more than 4 months now. He's the sweetest guy I ever knew, he treats me like a princess. But there are sometimes that he can be so detached from me, sometimes I just feel unwanted and that he's with me just because he needs companionship. Some days he tells me that he loves, he misses me, that he loves having me in his arms. But when it comes to me telling him all that, he just backs off, like he gets the idea of we both being in love with each other very scary.He had a hard childhood, cause his father was a drug addict and from a very young age he had to help his mother raise his younger 3 siblings. He and his mother claims that he was the one who kept the family together and that if it wasn't for him, his father would still be an addict and his mother would've filed for divorce.Before me he was in a complicated relationship for 2 and a half years, of which the girl became pregnant and she lost the baby with 5 and half months gestation. He was there during the whole labor process, he witnessed when the baby came out death. Because of this painfully event he claims to be emotionally detached right now, and whenever he remember the moment he saw his death child he cries like a little baby.Yesterday I confronted him about the fact that sometimes he makes me feel unwanted and that I don't want to be with him if he sees me just like a sexual toy. He told me that he cares deeply for me and that he loves but not the way I love him and he feels ashamed because of that. I told him that in that case I got nothing to do with him, but he doesn't want me to leave. He claims to love me in his way in that this emotional detachment will not last forever and with a little help from we will overcome this issue together.I don't know if I should believe him, since he's the kind of man that loves to cuddle, he's very touchy and often shows me his affection even in public. He's the kind of man that would give me flowers out of nowhere, and would call me in the middle of the night just to say he misses me.Right now he's waiting on me to calm down and think good and hard on the decision I'm about to make, cause he says he never told that I got no space in his life, and if it was just for sex he could get it anywhere else. He claims to be too old (he's 27) to be fooling around and he sees in me a good woman and all he wants from me is to be happy. I'm one year younger than him (26) and I do think it's time to get serious in a relationship, but for some reason I just don't feel completely save with him.What can I do? Shall I give him the chance to overcome his fears? Can one really overcome emotional detachment? Maybe is it me pushing too hard on his emotions?Can anyone please help me understand and deal with emotional detachment?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2010): Your bf does not love you as deeply as you love him....he told you that out of his own mouth. His detachment towards you isn't soley due to his childhood or the death of his unborn child he had by his ex gf. It has more to do with his lack of feelings and commitment towards YOU, not his PAST. Often times when there is a high level of feelings involved, even a person who has had the worst upbringing, will not allow that to get in the way of the person they claim to have fallen head over heels for. Moreover, if he is that bothered by his past, then why is he in a relationship with you? Better yet, why was he dating at all? This is what really bothers me about these people who claim to be detached in relationships---they get involved and then refuse to act in a positive manner that will allow the relationship to grow into something long term and healthy. If your bf or anyone for that matter is going to be detached on any sort of level, then why get in a relationship? I think it's because, they want companionship without having to put REAL positive emotionals, feelings and time into the relationship. On one hand they don't want to be alone, but then on the other hand, they don't want to really be "bothered" by a REAL relationship either. They are looking for something more superfical than something REAL with some substance. They want to be able to have sex, hang out, text and call from time to time...they want to know somebody is there when they are feeling lonely, but they don't wish to develope REAL, true and passionate feelings towards the person. Believe me, I have encountered these types of people in relationships. They want to give very little while taking and taking from the other person and in most cases, the other person is the one who is serious about the relationship, they care about the person and want to make it work.
Let me ask you this-you say you guys have been dating for 4 months now right? Well to me that's such a short period of time for marriage or even saying that you love a person for that matter, so you need to slow down on that part. Moreover, how long before you guys started dating did things end with his ex-girlfriend? He may still have feelings for his ex but is afraid to tell you because, he thinks you are a great woman and doesn't want to lose you, but at the same time he is emotionally detached. I think it's to early for you to be expecting him to love or be in love with you esp. if he just got out of a relationship with his ex. In fact, he has told you that he doesn't love you in the way that you love him...so that statement alone speaks for itself. What you need to do now is make a choice if you are willing to wait around for him...you know..give him time, or if you want to move on without him. It's a hard choice...it's so hard to walk way from someone you love and care about.
A
female
reader, cmander  +, writes (16 May 2010):
hello, i feel for you honestly, my current boyfriend is also acting the same way, he and his ex lost a baby also. i know it hurts alot that when he doesnt seem to be one hundred percent into the relationship and how much it hurts that he wont let himself love you. i honestly think he does love you, more than he says, he just doesnt want to voice it out loud because that would make it real to him and hes obvously scared of loving you because hes scared of losing you. how do i know he does love you? people dont do all that thoughtfull stuff he's done for you for no reason, it's his way of saying i love you. i say give it some time, i rekon he may come around, and if he doesn't well... then go find yourself someone that will love you the way you want to be lovedall the best, smile :)
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