A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have read all the simular comments and stories to mine.. It all sounds the same! Where to turn, what to do next, and where does it have to end? I ended a 10 year marriage/divorced but living together relationship with the father of my child last September. In the mean time I turned to the internet chatting for some pass time and company during this lonely time in my life. I started talking to this guy with simular problems, marriage for convience type relationship. He was up front and honest about being married but very unhappy..at the time the "married" thing didnt bother me because I wasn't looking for another relationship, just friendship. Time went on we talked daily about life in general. After talking for 3 months we finally met. I fell for this guy before I ever layed eyes on him. We get along so great it is almost like we are "ment for each other". Long story short it will be a year in September and I have seen no sign that he is ending his marriage. He already lives miles and miles away from her, but just can't seem to break the tie. Can't be the kids that are keeping him there because they are all grown up and out of the house. Maybe I don't ask enough questions or don't tell him how I feel about our "relationship" enough. Everytime I work up the nerve to discuss things with him I back out. I know that odds are he is never going to leave her and I should end it now before I waste more precious time on him. I just love him so much and can't imagine not being with him. I am hearing from family members and friends that I need to cut the tie and move on. I know this but, if it were that easy. What are some demands that I need to put on the line? Or what are some questions that I can ask that will give me a better idea as to where I stand with him? I really don't feel like telling him "If you don't get divorced that I will leave", is the right thing to do. Please help I am desperate!
View related questions:
divorce, move on, the internet Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (14 July 2010):
 You just need to be brave and tell him how you feel. Dont try and give him any demands or ultimatums as this will just make him annoyed and then the converstation will not be productive.
Try making notes before you talk to him - I know it sounds silly but if you struggle to get the nerve to talk to him then having the key points noted down in front of you will help you to be clear and concise and talk about everything you want.
I would say something along the lines of this:
"You know how I feel about you and I am very glad we have met each other however I have a few concerns regarding you and your wife. I would like to know what is the reason behind you staying married to her? I just want to know where I stand with you and if there is any future for us, because with you still being married I feel like "the other woman" and I dont want to be sharing you with someone else. Now I am not saying I want us to get married or move in together or anything like that, I would just like to know if you will ever be able to commit to me fully rather than sharing you with your wife. It seems a little odd to me that you are living miles apart and your children have left home now, so in my mind I cannot understand why you remain married to her and it would be so helpful to me if you could share the reason with me so I can understand our relationship a bit better."
Make sure you talk to him face to face, maybe after dinner when you are both relaxed and in relatively good moods. Dont be angry or pushy with him, and approach the subject in a way that makes it seem like you are trying to understand him rather than threatening to leave him. Dont even mention breaking up - there is no need to at this point otherwise he may end up feeding you lies about how he will divorce her soon etc. Just ask him simply why he has not yet chosen to get a divorce and from that you should be able to ascertain what the chances are of him divorcing her in the future.
Dont be afraid to talk to him about this - this is your life and you need to be strong enough to make sure it is going in the right direction. Only you will be able to tell if he is going to get a divorce after this conversation, this is the only way to know for sure.
I hope this helps and good luck!
A
female
reader, xanthic +, writes (14 July 2010):
 'I can't imagine not being with him'. This is a dangerous thing to say. It means you're too attached to the security of thinking (not knowing) you'll have someone around in the future, even if that someone is still technically married and won't make the effort to change that. You're going to have to live life without him, for your own sake and sanity.
He's not going to leave her for you if he hasn't made any effort to already. It has nothing to do with you not doing or saying something, it's all on him and his inability to take responsibility and divorce his wife. Face it, if he was really that serious about you, he wouldn't be making excuses.
I normally don't agree with ultimatums, but in this case I think you need to give him a clear choice: divorce, or you leave.
...............................
|
