A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm so confused about what has happened, how he has behaved, how I have behaved, and how I feel about it.18months ago I was married. I was relatively happy, sortof. I was very into my work and I think my husband and I had both grown in different ways. I was invited to an awards ceremony, where a man who i had met briefly through work set about pursueing me. Firstly flattering me and then toward the end of the night, kissing me. I was shocked, ashamed and worst of all, I really liked it. I did my best to forget about it. I told my husband. At first the man and I spoke on the phone to debrief (he had a girlfriend) and then when he tried to suggest that we see eachother in a sneaky way, I told him that I valued integrity and honesty and I would not be going down that path.I tried to forget about him. I couldnt stop thinking about him. I was so attracted to him in so many ways.After 6 months of trying my best to wrestle my relationship back on track, I saw him again, by chance. And the same thing happened. We both withdrew. I went home. I had images of my husband and i both being much happier with other people. He deserved better and so did I. I ended it. Then I rang the other man, told him, it had nothing to do with him but it was for me. He told me he wanted to work on his relationship and I supported that.We didnt communicate for another 6 months or so. He came to my region (we live quite a way apart) for work. At that point, I suddenly ended up in hospital. He cancelled most things and stayed with me (to the bizarre amusement of most of my collegues who didnt even know we knew eachother). He brought me food, medicene, magazines, movies and company. I had to have serious girl surgery, I threw up on him, I was terribly sick. And even though I was being visited by both my ex husband and my boyfriend, he didnt go away, the whole time he accompanyed me, snuck into my room after visiting hours and then asked me to kiss him. He thought I was beautiful despite the fact I was horridly sick. I fell for him. He still had a girlfriend. I told him that this could never happen again, until he broke up with her, that it was wrong. I still kissed him. And cuddled up to him at night, bleeding and miserable, but loved up.He went home. Finished his relationship. He would send me kind and gorgeous messages telling me he couldnt wait to feel my soft lips on his. I helped him through his relationship breakdown and the inevitable confusion and grief that it causes. We met up a month later when I was feeling better. I told him I didnt think he was ready to move on yet. That he should wait, scew around, and then call me. He told me he didnt want anyone but me.We went away together, I was still unwell, but he cared for me, loved me and I felt that we were both in such a good place. I live very far away, but it seemed that he was keen to swap visits and see how it went.We talked on the phone often. The breakup was hard for him, and despite the fact that he wanted to keep his house, he moved out. I didnt want to be his confidant in this so I asked his friends to look out for him. I was concerned about him and didnt think he was coping. He still leant heavily on emotional support at this time.The next time I flew to see him, the situation had changed. We stayed together the first night, then the second, we were associating with work people, who didnt know about us and we both wanted to be discreet at this early stage of his breakup. Then I twigged. He was sleeping with one of his staff, who he was now living with. Things started to click together, and i realised that he had also been sleeping with her when we had been away together the first time. I called him on it. He denied it.Since then, many things have happened. More than 4 people have confirmed that he was sleeping with this girl. And there are many more notches on the belt, which is often bought up in conversation by others (unaware of our history. He now has a reputation as philanderer and continues to be inappropriate with his work collegues. Maybe this was always so, but I get the impression that it is more of a recent development.From him, since then, there have been so many lies, so many contradictions, and empty statements and promises to me. Foolishly, I believed every one of them. And then I would find out otherwise later.He is now back with his old girlfriend.I have seen him twice in the last two months through my work. Each time he has approached me, first to have dinner with him and then share his bed to which I responded with an absolute rejection.(Following which he went and publicly took credit for my work) Then just recently, he approached me to have lunch with him.I didnt.I honestly don't believe he understands how poorly he has treated me. His behaviour is almost manic and so incredibly contradictory. I thought he really cared about me. I trusted him and fell so completely in love. I have contempt for him, pity, empathy and disregard, all at the same time. Deep down, I want him to want me again, and not be such an incredibly disingenuous person, but the person I thought I fell for. I'm trying to move on. He is still in my heart. I feel so lonely. Is there any advice, that any of you have for me in understanding what has happened, or what to do now, I would much appreciate it.Thank you.
View related questions:
broke up, kissing, move on, moved out, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, medha  +, writes (30 May 2010):
 Hi
Honey, while we all have that little hope inside us that the man was a little more decent and that his words and deeds meant a bit more than "humping and dumping" the cold harsh reality of things is that it is nothing more than humping and dumping!
When a man genuinely loves a woman, he will do just about anything for her, to win her and to keep her by his side! Either a man does all that, or he is just using us. Dress it up in any number of excuses you like, or justify his conduct, put it among the grey shades... only thing is... it is ALWAYS black and white.
Either a man treats us right, or he doesn't! Either he loves us or he doesn't.
Either we let our hearts break or we don't. It is all Black and white.
Move on dear. You deserve so much more than this.
Love and (((((((((hugs)))))))))))
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIm relieved that my husband and I broke up. We werent right for eachother and for the previous two years it had been so difficult to stay together. We didnt love eachother anymore and our time had past. We are still friends and we both believe it was the right desicison.
This man was the catalyst, but not the reason.
I put the distance between us. Not him.
Its a lot of effort, energy, and time to expend in bizarre circumstances, just for a root. I cannott believe it is as black and white as that.
...............................
A
female
reader, sarahgul75  +, writes (29 May 2010):
 you have been fooled..come to terms with that..and brainwash yourself that it was a mistake..and that you wont repeat it..you are not the first or the only..many guys are using married women because they are vulnerable..ignored by husbands they are caught at a weak moment which scars their hearts for life..mend yourself and be interested in your husband again..it is possible and not that hard
...............................
|
