A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So, about a year and a half ago my husband passed away in a tragic accident, I was left with three young children (FYI-I was 34 at the time). I panicked and quickly dated out of fear of the "unknown", and I wanted to put the pieces back together, so I looked for a job, I tried to get benefits, I looked for a man,etc. Anyway, I dated a few, and nothing seemed right. A few were longer term (few months), but ended up not good! So, I kept on searching. I finally found someone who really was interested in me, and that made me feel good. He was not the best looking, or had the best personality, but I thought why not give it a try anyway afterall, it was about the person inside. It has now been over a year, and things are good. He is not my husband at all, but he cares and loves me and it feels amazing again. We have become the best of friends, someone I can talk to. I look forward to seeing him. He has met my kids once. But something is holding me back. I don't know what it is. Is it because I want someone so bad in my life again? Is it my issue, and I am screwed up from just being a widow, and am not seeing the clear picture? Is it him? I am so confused as to what to do. If I break it off, it will KILL me. With every fiber in me, I don't want to. He can be so wonderful, yet it is not fulfilling certain needs of mine--which could be my husband. What are your thoughts on this? I really don't want to hear just break up with him. If you have any ideas on what to do? How to break it off softly without hurting him? Can we still be together? I need help badly. Thanks all! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2010): Thank you all for your wise comments. I will take them all into consideration. The best answers I've gotten yet!!!
A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (20 July 2010):
 I think you could do with some counseling to help you sort yourself out....don't mean that as a cop out, but there is really no way to say for sure what is holding you back without knowing more about you and your issues. A professional could support you and help you to come to your own best decisions with your life.
And once again, so very sorry for your loss.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (20 July 2010):
 I'm not going to say break up with him. You've been with him for a year already and you like it, the relationship in itself is not what is bothering you. It is that you hold back and are unsure. Which I think is only normal. You are still grieving. And a year and a half is not really a long time, no one would expect you to be over the death of your husband in such a short amount of time. It is understandable that you seek and need companionship, it is probably a good idea to keep on living your life. But, you are allowed to miss your late husband. You are allowed to feel that nothing compares to him, because in all honesty, no one will ever be able to fill your husbands shoes. Accept this as not only a part of the grieving process, but also as a piece of truth.
You are doing great if you are dealing with your sorrow enough to continue on with your life. I know some that never gave it a go again. And such things make me sad. Some people can never get over the loss of a husband or wife, not enough to date again, or even start a family. So you are trying, and you know that you need companionship for your own happiness, and to get through this hard time in your life. Expecting everything to be perfect and that a new man will fulfill all your needs is not realistic. You are still grieving, and you need to give yourself the time to do that.
Your boyfriend must be aware of what you went through and what has happened. If he is understanding he can be of great support to you. But also be aware of yourself: you might just want someone for the time being to fill a gap in your heart. Time will show. Don't feel that you need to rush into any decisions. Keep the new man for as long as you feel it is right for you. And accept that life seems weird and confusing. This is probably because of the grief. Don't try to figure everything out, but let the pieces slide together by themselves, and listen to your heart. If you want this new man in your life, keep him there. And just go slow. Talk things through.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (19 July 2010):
 He knows you are still grieving so he wouldn't be sexing you up until you feel joyful and confident again. He is surely not your husband, but he has qualities that are uniquely his. I am sure your husband hopes you find another boyfriend. He wants you to be happy.
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A
female
reader, Jendorset  +, writes (19 July 2010):
I dont think you need to end it completely but i think a bit of space wouldnt go a miss. If you agree that you do need space, tell him gentle that you care for him very much but need a bit of space. You dont have to stop all contact with him just dont see each other so much. I dont think you have greived properly for your husband.Although you are not as such trying to replace him i feel you are trying to find someone to ease the hurt and it isnt really fair on this other man. I think you could have a good relationship in time. But you are probly right when you said he is not fulfilling certain needs which you think could be your husband. I think you miss your husband deeply and you may not be completely ready for a new relationship. If this man cares for you he will be willing to just be a good friend for a while. Sorry this is long and hopefully i did get to my point in the end ha ha. I think you sound like a lovely woman that just needs a bit of understanding loving care. I hope you start to feel better soon.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (19 July 2010):
 First, let me just say I'm sorry for your loss. I know it has to be very difficult for you.
Second, I think you really need to SLOW down. No disrespect intended, but losing your husband is not like losing a pet. You shouldn't be rushing out just to fill the void. Losing as spouse is an incredibly traumatic experience. You need to give yourself time to adjust to what happened. I'm not saying you need to get over it, because honestly you may never truly get over it. You need to understand what losing him means to you and your children.
Now, with this other guy, I think you also just need to slow down. Yes, it helps having people to talk to. I don't think you should just simply break up with him... but who says you have to get really serious with him this soon? You need to just take a step back and develop your own identity again. It's not easy, so I don't want to sound like I'm over simplifying it. But as of right now it sounds like this guy is just filling the void of your husband.
What's holding you back? You are. You know deep down you are not ready. And I'm willing to bet part of the reason you rushed out to start dating again is a fear of being alone, and trying to compensate for his loss.
Take a step back. Slow down. Be honest with this new man. Just tell him you just really need a friend right now and somebody to talk to. Ask him not to pressure you or ask for anything more than just friendship for now. If he truly loves you then he'll understand.
Again, I'm sorry for your loss.
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