A
female
age
41-50,
*4inlove
writes:I am 35, divorced and a mother of a 9year old boy. My current boyfriend (aged 45) and I have been together 5years.He told me from word go that he was married, having problems with his wife and was in the process of trying to get a divorce.There was something about him so I believed him. Also, I was desperate for some manly attention so I went ahead with the relationship against my better judgment. He is still married but we have living together for 5 years.Things seemed perfect till Sept 09 when I found out he has been cheating all the years that we have been together. One day he wouldn't answer his phone and that seemed odd so I later snooped around in his phone and found text messages from him to other women and vice versa. I did some investigating and found that he has been cheating not with one,two or three women but a lot of women.I also know his voice mail password and check his voice mail from anywhere and he doesn't know.Since I had been snooping, I try to make it look like other people told me they saw him with other women.He blatantly denies it and says people are jealous of our relationship. He tells me to call these people so they can tell him to his face.He looks me in the eyes and tells me with such sincerity that he loves me so much and will always love ONLY me. I have tried to find excuses(anything) to end the relationship but he wont let me go. When I find excuses to end the relationship he tells me how much he loves me and how his life will be meaningless without him (He pays ALL the bills so its not like he needs me).One time I told him I actually snooped and read his text messages but he had the nerve to say he doesn't know these women(that they got his number from his business cards) and that they seemed to just enjoy sending him sexually explicit text messages. He is in no way verbally or physically abusive (my marriage and other relationships were abusive). This is how good this man ACTS...when we argue he refuses to raise his voice and he insists that we face each other and hold hands as we argue. He says its a sign of commitment to each other saying we will always be stronger together despite the issues we have.He refuses to argue when my son is home and insists that we go for a drive and argue away from him.He says kids should always have a happy environment. Despite this cheating, this man treats me better than anyone has ever treated me.He can't keep his hands off of me in public and in private.Since I know his dirty little secret I keep a keen eye to see if he his eying other women but his attention is always 100% on me. He also treats my son like his own (takes him to after school programs and is actively involved with the PTA). My son adores him. I have tried to secretly see other people but I always get irritated because they don't give me the attention he does. I love this man so much but I know he is so wrong for me.I constantly confront him and he still denies it. I know he's lying when he tells me he only has eyes for me but lately I'm finding myself believing his lies and telling myself that its all a misunderstanding and that everything is okay. I'm beginning to feel like am condoning his behavior. I want to get married again and have one more child but he says he doesn't want kids and says he can't get married because his wife allegedly refuses to divorce him.He says he is fine with us just living together and wants to grow old with me. One part of me wants this man out of my life the other part doesn't. When he has to fly out for work I find myself praying to God to have him not come back.After a day of him being away I find it hard to breathe or function because he is away and I just can't wait for him to return.When he's away for work he calls me and my son 4 or 5 times a day to see if we are okay. What do I do when a guy is so good but so bad at the same time? How do I get myself out of this situation? Please help.Confused and troubledPS. I lied to my family and friends and told them he was divorced before he met me.They all think we are so perfect together. Also its not the money that is keeping me with him. I make $95,000 a year and am well capable of taking care of me and my son.
View related questions:
divorce, jealous, money, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, sappygirl +, writes (20 February 2009):
 It's not that He can't let you go. It's the opposite.
YOu can't let HIM go. You know he's a cheater...and a liar.
but you made yourself believe you will not find anyone that will love you or your son better than him.
Its not the money, but you're afraid of being alone and dealing with loneliness so you'll rather have someone than no one at all.
You love him. You don't want to lose him..but you'll take whatever he scraps he give you. He knows all he has to do is say the right thing and you will fall for it.
I hate to tell you but the red flag is he was married when you met him. AND five years later...he never bothered to get a divorce.
Wake up and smell the coffee. He's stringing you along and your falling for it. He is an Unavailble man..unable to fully commit to you because he wants many women to feel his ego.
It's hard to start over. It's hard to tell break the bond your son has with this guy.
so it's up to you...stay in the relationship and deal with his cheating ways...or ...leave start over...going for the unknown.
its hard but you're not going to change him. You can only change yourself.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2009): If your making $95,000, I'll come live with you and be nice to your son and you won't care when I cheat because I'm not even a guy. Just kidding. I don't know what you are doing to make that kind of money, but you clearly are an intelligent women. It sounds like you have answered all of your own questions in your post. You are looking for direction on how to change him, but you already know you can not change him, he has to want to change. As far as what you said about him not "needing" you, that so may be, but why is it you think you "need" him if you are not getting what you want out of him. I am going to tell you the same thing I told a young lady a couple of minutes ago. There is a book called "The Verbally Abusive Relationship (How to reconize it and how to respond)". You say you are not being abused because he does not abuse you in the same ways you have been abused in the past, but he is still abusing you. I don't hold nobody's hands when I am mad at them and nobody will ever make me, if I want to hold somebody's hands then it is my decision who's hands I will hold and when. Get it! This book will tell you exactly how to get what you want out of him and I think that is the actual advise that you are looking for. Read the book, if there is any turning him around this book will tell you exactly what you need to do. Good Luck.
...............................
|
