A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello readers, I have fallen in love with a man who is married, but separated from his wife. He lives with a mate who he doesn't really get along with. He and his wife own a lovely city apartment together and as he works different hours to her, he often stays at the marital home. He doesn't want to rent a place, but doesn't really know where to live until he manages to sort out the property settlment and buy his own place. He has not had sexual relations with his wife for 1.5 years. When we met I knew he was living with the mate, but didn't know he still stayed at the marital home sometimes. He assures me there is nothing in it, and that they have led separte lives for 2 years now and it was just a matter of time before they got to the divorce. We met over 9 months ago and I took things very slowly. He recently told me that he is completely in love with me and wants to spend his life with me, that he misses me constantly and is settling his property matters as we speak. I feel the same way about him, but have told him I won't see him until he is no longer staying with the wife at ALL. Although this kills me, I want to know if is definitely over. I am married too, but my divorce is coming through in 2 weeks and was completely separated from my husband before I dated againI speak to this man every day on the phone, but I don't know how long he will take to sort his matters out. SHould I refuse to speak to him as well? I don't want to lose him.Your advice would be very much appreciated!
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female
reader, cd206  +, writes (27 February 2007):
 You're being very sensible about this situation.
Although I think it's unreasonable to expect him to no longer speak to his ex or maintain any kind of relationship with her, staying overnight, whether platonically or sexually is not on if he's serious about moving on. There will always be a connection between them, a past that you're not part of, but all that is overcomeable. Stick to your guns. Tell him it's fine to stay friends with his ex but that staying over is pushing it too far.
CD
A
female
reader, Farris +, writes (26 February 2007):
 I think you're being REALLY sensible about this.
DO NOT cave in to him, no matter how much he says he loves you, unless he has the evidence to back it up. When he has completely moved away from his wife and the divorce is final, you can be really sure that he means what he says.
I know it's tempting to just jump in at the deep end, but try to be realistic about how long it's going to take him to sort himself out (I'm sure you're very aware of how long a separation can take from your personal experience). Every time you speak to him, ask him how things are going... Make sure things are still moving.
And if things don't seem to be going anywhere, then I'm sorry, but it looks as if he's not ready to move on. He may no longer love his wife, but he's not ready to be in a relationship with someone else.
You deserve to be with someone who can be there for you in the way you have been for this man. Good luck, I hope that this works out for you.
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