A
female
age
36-40,
*opella
writes:I have been a relationship for 5 years and resently my bf and I have been staying with each other a lot i.e. he spends about two/three weeks with me every now and then. I have encountered a few problems while he's been with me which have given me reason to be concerned about our relationship.*when I ask questions,he ignores or pushes it aside*he goes out everyday with his friends and comes back late-is this right?*he goes out without saying where or when he'll be back-am I supposed to know where he is going.Or is it OK for him to just say "see you later" and come back whenever-usually btw 12am and 3am, which is always the case.*when he is with me he is constantly watchng tv(any sport), until he has the need to go out/sleep.*Everytime I try to "calmly" talk to him about how I feel about all these, he tells me Im a nag and that he is entitled to do what he wants and does not need to answer to me.On several occassion he's told me we'll go out and do stuff, but later cancels because of a football match or to play console games with his friends.I really need to know what to do because I have spoken, but no matter my approach he will always call me a nag and tell me that Im trying to stop him from having a life.Also, what rules are there when two people are semi-living together (like my situation)??Thanks Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2008): Hi Copella,
From the information you've given I'm gonna assume that you are not in a make or break situation and are not ready to give up yet on this 5year relationship or on this man. Your concerned about his behaviour and when you approach him he calls you nagging and is not willing to listen to your point of view. You say you've tried all approaches, but have you ever tried treating him like he's treating you? Have you heard of the saying "be mean to keep them keen", that's what he's been doing. The more he ignores you the more you chase after him. Aren't you tired, don't you want him to be the one who questions and chases you?
For me the best thing to do with this type of situation is to give the goose back the sauce that he's been forcing you to drink.
When he asks you questions, then ignore him and push him aside.
Start going out every day with your friends and come back late.
Go out and don't tell him where your going or what time you'll be back. Try to arrange with your friends events and activities that last untill at least 3am in the morning.
Watch television, read a book, find a hobby, so that you wont mind him watching television or anything else he chooses to do. When your finished, then calmly say goodnight and go to bed. Don't forget to tell him that after your strenuous day, you'll be too tired to engage in any sexual activity, cause you need to get your beauty sleep so you can find more interesting things to do the next day.
Stop trying to talk to him, he's not hearing you, all he hears is nagging. Instead wait untill he approaches you about your changed behaviour and tell him that you got tired of talking so decided to make an interesting life for yourself.
If he cancels appointments and dates, due to important football matches/console games, then arrange appointments and dates without him. He is unreliable and therefore it is better if you arranged to go out with people you trust to be there.
You get treated like this, unfortunately because you allow it. He has no reason to change his behaviour because he knows that you'll always be there waiting at home for him. Your putting your life on hold waiting for this man, you need to stop doing this and start exploring life without him. Start finding intresting, exciting things to do with the extra time you have on your hands. If he is not available to you and cannot attend, you have no reason to wait arround and should continue doing exciting things with other people or by yourself. Don't put up with his behaviour, make him be the one to worry where you are and what you are doing. Who knows, one day if you go out without him, you might just find a guy who you like better and will go out of his way to spend time with you and make you feel good.
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (15 June 2008):
Ahhhh, the classic "we've been together so I can take you for granted" type of boyfriend.
We get millions of them here at Dear Cupid.
You've been together since you were teens so he has never had to learn from his mistakes or grow up to be in a relationship. He's still acting like a 14 year old.
So you have a choice.
You either put up with it, or you walk out.
If you walk out and you are lucky then he might realise what he's lost and grow up and bit and promise to put more effort in. He may also not realise and not be bothered that he's single as he can carry on exactly the same. When he tries to get a new girl and treats them like that then he's be in for a sharp shock but by that time you will hopefully have moved on.
You are in the prime of your life so don't waste it on a loser hoping he will change.
Good Luck!! xx
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