A
female
age
41-50,
*o so
writes:Hi there my name is Jane and I have a boyfriend called Tom. I've been with him 7 months, just moved in with him but before was always in his house and him mine. He's my best friend and he makes me laugh my head off most of the time.But..Tom's first girlfriend 6 years ago, who he lost his virginity to cheated on him lots of times and he kept taking her back. He finally got the courage to leave her and started a new life in London. But he didn't trust women for a long time. He would watch porn over 4 times a day, visit prostitutes and have one night stands. Treated women like they were objects.Then he met me, I didn't have sex with him for a couple of weeks insisting I wanted to get to know him first. He would wine and dine me and said he fell in love with me on the 2nd date where I described simple things in life, where he thought I was different to all the women he had known. We would have sex but he would be so rough and in his eyes was a monster..His love grew for me and he has slowed down watching porn but now he says hes scared of having sex with me because he loves me so much.. I'm so sweet and when he has sex he sees the women as sluts and thinks about the porn hes been watching..and doesn't want to treat me like that but thats all hes ever known even with his ex.I'm afraid he's not attracted to me anymore.. but he says he is and just needs time..I'm very happy with everything else but if theres no sex in a relationship then there's definately something wrong.. he is willing to get help. Maybe he is cheating on me, but I'm trying not to get paranoid because I love him too.
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best friend, fell in love, his ex, moved in, one night stand, porn, prostitute Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Gio  +, writes (7 November 2008):
Hello,
I agree with Star. Your boyfriend needs to clarify his thoughts and views about women. He has already seen a different kind of relationship, the one he has with you, and if he has started to slow down on watching porn, that is a good start. Remember that he has been cheated on, and this is also a reason for him to probably feel not too confident with himself, to distrust women and think they are cheap. He is treating you differently though. You might be the person he needs to help him to learn to trust again. Patience and love are key factors. And yes, counselling could also help.
Best of luck
Gio
A
female
reader, Star_07  +, writes (7 November 2008):
 I definately think he needs to speak with a counselor and try to deal with his issues in healthier way. Seeing women as sluts and thinking about the porn is not normal, Id say. Here is the thing, its probably good that you two dont have a sex life right now if he is feeling this way. It might be much harder on you if he was doing or saying things to you in the bedroom that could be hurtful. Another thing is, in a good relationship, the relationship and sex are not seperate. That means, being loving to your partner in and out of the bedroom. The feeling transfer so if you are not feeling good about the relationship, it will affect the sex and if the sex is horrible, it might cause you to wonder (although poor sex can be overcame in a good relationship!).
My advice to you is that you urge him to seek help before having sex with him. He needs to clear his mind of these distorted thoughts and engage on a relationship with you emotionally and sexually.
Take Care!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2008): If he cannot have a normal, healthy sex life without thinking about or viewing porn, it may be a sign he has an addiction to pornography. It's not uncommon these days. He says that he needs time. You should give it to him and be supportive. Don't force the sex issue right now. There seems to be problems with trust as well. Professional help may be needed to improve the situation. I would encourage him to seek it. It looks like there are behavioral patterns he needs to break. He needs to fix himself before you can move forward in this relationship. I hope you are a patient woman. Best of luck to you.
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