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female
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anonymous
writes: Dear Cupid. I have been with my partner for 9 months. We share many similarities and adore each oher's company; everyone comments on how we appear to be the perfect couple. Problem is, I am sexually frustrated. Because of my partner's apparent indifference, we tend to have sex on average once a fortnight even though we have shared a bed for 6 months. Even when we first met and stayed over at each others houses, passion was thin on the ground. My partner and I never talk or joke about sex, he never touches me sexually outside of the bedroom, sex is never spotaneous or different and I always have to wait for him to make a move on me first. (many times when I have attempted to take the lead, I have been rejected so I seldom do anymore. I have tried sexy underwear, romantic evenings,getting him drunk and making wild suggestions or surprising him by just going down on him(He has no problem with the latter at all) but most of the time I just act like it isn't a problem and wait for it to happen naturally (it rarely does)Even when we're lying in bed naked really close, he does not get aroused and goes to sleep. I have tried to discuss my feelings on a couple of occasions and he has either made excuses or had sex with me as a token gesture. When we do have sex, there is no variety, its always missionary postion and lasts for roughly ten minutes. Even this feels like the best sex in the world when your being rationed. Past sexual relationships have always been so colourful and I thought that in time ours would be, it isn't. I have never talked to my partner about past relationships or past lovers and he tells me that he has never felt so loved before to the point where he proposed last week and I accepted but all this is in the back of my mind.I feel that if I marry him, I have to accept my lot and maybe that's why he proposed because he knows Im frustrated but will put up with it anyway. He has had several long term relationships in the past. I have no idea if this is the norm for him and do not feel it is my place to investigate his relationships. We are both in our early thirties, fit and healthy, have a great social lives and family and friends that we adore. Please help if you have any advice for me. x
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to those who responded to my problem, your advice has been so helpful.I decided, as advised to just go for it, approach him and tell him how I felt. It wasn't easy to start with as my partner also find it difficult to open up. After a lot of tears on both sides, he basicaly told me that as a lover he feels inadequate and not good enough for me. I was shocked as its usually quite clear that I do enjoy the little intimacy that we do share. He explained that because I never orgasm through penetrative sex alone, he feels that he cannot satisfy me even though he knows that it isn't his problem. In fact, I have never seen it as a problem and if I was able to achieve orgasm that way it would be a miracle as it has never happened before in my life. He explained that his feelings trigger impotency and its easier to not have sex rather than feel useless.I told him that we needed to try some new things in order to fix both of our problems and that there is more than one way to help me achieve climax and that we should have fun finding out what they were. We had amazing sex that night.I do realise however that this is going to be a very slow process,as with Lou77, there is no spontaneaity and I cant keep arranging dates for sexual encounters, however, assunming that the explanation that he gave me is true, it is definitely worth working towards and being patient for.
A
female
reader, Lou77 +, writes (14 February 2006):
 Snap! I have a very similar problem in that I have a high sex drive but my partner does not and I too have been turned down whilst wearing the sexy lingerie, and I really feel for you because I know how devastated I was!What I did was to confront him directly and cut out the crap, although he isn't the most open person and the phrase getting blood out of a stone comes to mind. I sat him down and said that he needed to make more of an effort with me, that I made an effort with him, that I am a sexual creature and need to feel wanted by the person who claims to love me. I told him that at times I didn't think he wanted me at all and that I was a convenience and not something he desired. So what happened you ask? That was nearly two weeks ago and he has made more of an effort but there is still a lacking on the spontaneity part. I made a deal ith myself that he had a month to change or show signs of consistant improvement otherwise I would break up with him. Don't get me wrong, this is the last thing I want to do, but I would rather lie alone that lie next to someone crying myself to sleep. I don't know how far you are willing to take this but whatever you decide, please take this with you, never settle for anything less than mad, passionate, extraordinary love. I hope you manage to sort this out, stay strong and remember that there are many of us girls out there to talk to if you need us.x
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2006): i know how you feel here. my patner and i used to have sex regularly but now we have been living together for 6 months he has barely touched me! you need to tell him how you feel. i didn't and then i accused him of cheating because i thought all men wanted sex and so he must be getting it somewhere else! i think telling your husband that you are frustrated by it is the best thing you can do
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (10 February 2006):
 This is no good at all, there is certainly something wrong and you need to address this. You haven't been together that long but long enough to realise that your partner's libido is lacking and you do understand that if you marry him, you may have to accept rationed sex for the rest of your life! You don't want that? Okay, now's the time to addres and investigate this burning issue.
Talking about previous relationships may be a good idea to find out if he was like this before. You do need to know this! You need to open the communication channels again and really talk about it. Don't allow him to simply make excuses. Suggest he sees a doctor or a therapist. Find out if there is anything that needs discussing that may be the reason why he has such a low sex drive. There could be several causes but it isn't any use sweeping this under the mat as he will simply think you will always accept things the way they are.
Sex is an important part of a relationship and marriage as it is a way of expressing physically how you feel for each other and I'm sure he is aware of this. There is a reason for him being this way. You need to find out what it is and also establish whether or not he is prepared to do something about it before deciding to marry him.
Good luck.
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