A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok - I have a slight issue... lol I really like older men - like REALLY like them. 3 previous relationships have always had a 20 year age gap. Is this normal?? Now I've started seeing a guy who is early 40's and he's everything I am looking for. But I'm starting to worry that maybe I need to settle down and look at the idea of marriage and kids - and while hes up for marriage, he already has grown up kids (two boys) and has had a vasectomy so cant have any more. I just don't like the idea of being with anyone else and especially someone my own age. I feel that I am a 40 year old trapped in a 25 year old body! lol not in a bad way tho! But is it sensible to do the whole family life thing? And get rid of a perfectly happy relationship?
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female
reader, Stayc63088  +, writes (16 October 2012):
 If you are happy together now and don't want kids now then I don't see the point in breaking up. You have no idea how you will feel in the future so don't break up because it's a possibility you may some day want kids, deal with that when and if it happens. And if one day in the future you do decide you want kids then you talk with him about it, a vasectomy can be reversed. My sister was dating a man that is 18 years older, he already has grown kids too and had a vasectomy. She told him she couldn't marry him unless he would have more children. They got married, he had it reversed (not in that order) and had twin girls. Even if he didn't want that, you can possibly adopt. But none of that is an issue now anyway so don't worry about it until it is. You may never want children and all worrying would be for nothing.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 October 2012):
 There is a big difference between not wanting children right now, and not wanting them EVER. You say you don't want them now, but you are unsure if you'll never want them. Keep that in mind.. you aren't sure yet. So don't make any big decisions based on uncertainty. If you do not know yet if you want children in your life, at some point, then you should not marry a man who can not, or will not, have children with you. There's a reason he had a vasectomy after all: he doesn't want or need more children.
Even if he's mr. perfect, no man is worth giving up your dreams for. Having kids, or not having kids, is one of the biggest decisions you can make in life. You need to make that choice on your own, based on your own beliefs and thoughts. I fear if you settle down with this man who is not interested in children with you, you would be letting him make the choice for you, rather than make it yourself.
Stay together, sure. But don't marry him until you know for sure what you want.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (16 October 2012):
 I wouldn't break up with him because you might change your mind later. I haven't really heard of women who definitely don't want children becoming overwhelmed with a biological clock urge later in life. It's not as though you are trapped if you stay, if later in life you change your mind you can end things then or adopt.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't want children, and he hasn't said no to anything, just stated that he can't have them that's all. I just don't want to feel like in ten years time I'll change my mind. Right now, I definitely do not want children. So shall we stay together?
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (16 October 2012):
Would he be open to adoption?
Some people will act like these issues, children, marriage, etc... are small things and not worth giving up a relationship for simply because it is the only real issue. However, if one person wants a family and the other doesn't, that is a HUGE issue, a deal breaker really. You get along on the small scale, but when it comes to the biggest decisions of your life, you aren't compatible. Day to day and big picture are both very important.
If you're sort of "eh" on the idea of having kids anyways, then maybe not having kids will work for you. But if you want kids and he does not and adoption isn't an option, then I don't see this relationship working out, even if you are otherwise happy.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 October 2012):
 I agree with EWO...
vasectomies sometimes can be reversed... but if he does not want any more kids and you want kids... well honey I hate to say this but it's a no brainer... you must leave.
if he wants kids but does not want a reversal there's artificial insemination...
there's adoption...
so now you decide... a man that does not want more kids, a man that wants more kids and can't have them, or a man who not only wants kids but may be able to give you his biological children...
hard choices...
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (16 October 2012):
 Hi
It's expensive but a vasectomy can be reversed. Has he said a definate 'no' to having children?
If he has, then only you know how important having a family is to you and if you can honestly live without having any.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (16 October 2012):
 If your relationship is "perfectly" happy then you wouldn't be asking this question. So now you just have to decide how important raising a child(ren) is to you. Many couples decide not to and many couples can't but they love each other and that's why they stay together. But if you think you'll regret not having a child then it would be best to break it off right away and allow him to find someone who can accept him vasectomy and all.
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