A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:The Title basicaly says all.I am just a teen girl, and my boyfriend has Pakistani Grandparents, and Parents, but his family have been living in the UK since before his parents were born.So his skin colour isn't the same as mine basicaly and my mum has a problem with this. She feels i shouldn't have anything to do with him, all because of his skin colour and religion(Islam). Which really bothers me as everyone is equal and skin colour shouldn't matter whether or not someone is a nice person. And its not just my boyfriend she has problems with, its anyone with any other colour of skin than her own, she keeps telling i shouldnt be friendly with "people like that" and it really hurts cause theres nothing wrong with them.But strangly, my mum doesnt mind celebrities who are asian or indian, like Jay Sean etc.So it really confuses me and i dont understand the way she feels towards asians and indians.She even lived in South Africa for 8 years, and its pretty multi cultural there, but majority being black, and it must not have bothered her then. And she works with many people who are from Israel, and is good friends with them. So why does me having friends who are different from me bother her so much?and because of her strong thoughts i have had to keep my relationship with my boyfriend a secret from her, incase i make her upset or ashamed.I really do not know what to do, i love my boyfriend, but i cannot possibly tell her, not just because he is asian, but because she has a problem with me and any boy too, due to i might lose concentration on my studies. To be fair she has a point, as i am not bright and probs need as much studying as i can get, but my boyfriend has not got in the way of this. I think she just doesnt want me to grow up, so im her child forever.I just want to have a normal teen life without having to keep everything from my mum as i have so far. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2010): A doubt your mothers objections are as much about skin colour as they are about religion.
Have you discussed this with your boyfriend?
I'm all for equality and freedom to worship as one wishes, however, as someone who has spent quite a bit of time in the middle east (around 10 years in total) I would warn you that islam is quite a nasty religion. As a woman you'd give up many of the privileges that we consider human rights were you to join this religion.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2010): Hello. I remember when I was young dating a boy from India. When we first started going out he said he wanted to adopt the more progressive Western culture. I accepted that as fact, and at the same time was fascinated to learn more about his culture. As our relationship progressed, however, it became very obvious that he had a different view of what a woman's place was in society and in a relationship - and it was definitely subordinate - VERY subordinate to men. What your mom might be worried about is that while your boyfriend was born here, he comes from a culture where women are beneath men and treated that way. Maybe your boyfriend doesn't feel that way, or YOU, like me, could be in for a very big surprise as the relationship progresses and find out that he and his family will start treating you, as a woman, as subordinate. Watch out for he and them showing Western values for casual/outside relationships, but adopting more of the home country values for family - or serious girlfriends. FYI. You might think your mom is not being progressive, but she might have some experience/knowledge of such things that she is trying to help you avoid problems.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2010): okay i believe that the 1st respnse 2 this is totally unfair! im dating a black man and my mom has the exact same problem she believes i should give him the cold shoulder because he is colored..u know wat i hav 2 say 2 this?? bahumbug! they r living in the past and holding grudges on people they dont even know! sit down with ur mom and tell her how u feel make sure u guys r talking NOT shouting...trust me it doesnt work if u do. i love my mommy soo much but i explained 2 her how i feel and she may not like it but she doesnt voice her opinions and now their even becoming friends!! well sorta but 2 least its a start lol!
best of luck,
xoxo
meggie :)
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A
male
reader, HarryFlashman  +, writes (16 February 2010):
People are not very rational; we all hold absurd prejudices that make little sense. If we are lucky, we don't hold prejudices that hurt others. Which is a long way of saying: your mother is wrong to look down on people because of their ethnic group, but that's the kind of thing that changes very gradually if at all. You'll probably just have to live with it. If you are lucky you may see it soften over time.
The problem with keeping everything a secret is that she will eventually find out. I am doubtful that it is a good strategy; no one likes being lied to. I think your best option is probably to be honest and take your lumps. She won't agree, but at least you won't be lying to her.
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A
female
reader, LIVEFREE +, writes (16 February 2010):
 Hello Miss,
Your not gonna like my response, I have three children of my own twins almost 20, and a 16 yr old. I have gotten in knock out drag out fights with my daughter. I have learned children have to be let off the reigns to make there own mistakes, that is how you learn and grow as young adults. However that glorious saying Honor your Mother and Father always is a good rule to follow, Mum has been around the block a few times, and has real life exposure that you sweet heart have not yet expierienced. Your a youngin and hate to tell you darlin this young man is not the first and not even close to being the last. Now to address difference of race and religion we are created in the image of Christ, we are our own individual design, your heart will lead you to the best decision. Oh and be honest with Mum remember it's not her first rodeo, take care, and have faith...
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