A
female
age
30-35,
*adedpearl
writes:I dated a man much older for almost two years. I was a student going to school full-time. He paid for many things and I pitched in when I could. I gave him my education checks that came in monthly to buy food, rent, etc. During the last few months of our relationship he wasn't getting any work and it was putting us under great stress. He works in construction/remodeling and his income is all over the place. Sometimes he gets paid $4000 one month sometimes $0 the next month. This is frustrating because during the months he makes $0 he gets behind on bills/mortgage, etc and then the months that he does make money, he has to use that towards catching up with the previous months. It's like living pay check to pay check almost. There never seems to be enough to put away for savings or for doing anything fun. I broke it off with him and moved out because it was getting to be too much. I could not get a job because he did not want me to work. I just wanted to know if this was a fair enough reason to finish this relationship with him? I thought in the beginning with him being older he would have his life and finances stable by now. I feel no security with him. His credit is terrible and he has massive student debt. He wants at least 3 children and a lot of material things like a newer car and motorcycle. I feel like money problems are always going to be present with this guy and it scared me. I don't see us ever having enough to move into a bigger home and take care of children. I do love him but I need security for the future. Please any advice would help.
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female
reader, jadedpearl +, writes (13 January 2013):
jadedpearl is verified as being by the original poster of the question Danielepew,
I know. I met him when I was 18 and at the end of my first year in college I moved in with him right before I turned 19. I still have two more years of school left before I graduate. This relationship was a mistake from the beginning but I am glad I left when I did. I saw myself with a baby soon and I just did not want that. I want to finish school, establish a career and become independent for once. This was dangerous from the start and what scares me is how naive and gullible I was when we first met. I wish I could go back and listen to everyone telling me it was a bad idea. Thank for your input, it really helped.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (13 January 2013):
 With this new information, it seems to me that money was not the problem. The real problem was the person you were involved with. This relationship should have never happened.
From what I see, the man is your senior by more years than your own age: 24 years compared to 21. You were a student and he was already a middle aged man. I kind of wonder whether he didn't know what you expected, how to raise a family, et cetera, or whether he didn't care to do it because he knew the relationship wouldn't last. If you dated for two years, and then you lived together for a while, the man began dating you when you were barely of legal age to date him. You say he had never had a live-in girlfriend, and I kind of think that maybe that was voluntary.
You did the right thing leaving him, but your question is about the wrong reason to leave him. It seems that the relationship would be OK if he had been a hard worker and financially stable. It wouldn't.
If he had had a stable job and all the money in the world, you would have been happy in the wrong relationship.
He didn't let you work and that sounds awful. In my view of things, it would have been a hell of a lot worse if he had let you, because it would have been exploitative. You would have been paying a few bills and that would have hid the problem.
If the man had had money, and he hadn't let you work, it would have looked as if he were doing the right thing, but it would have been a lot worse. I can picture you at 22 with a baby, a husband 24 years older and no money of your own. That would scare me.
I think you were actually lucky that this didn't work out. It strikes me as an ill-fated relationship from the very beginning.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2013): It's only a legitimate reason to break it off if you do not want to live in financial instability. It would be a deal breaker for me, for sure. What's more alarming, though, is the fact that he doesn't let/allow/want you to work despite being in a downward financial spiral. It's controlling and irresponsible, IMO.
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A
female
reader, jadedpearl +, writes (12 January 2013):
jadedpearl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI applied to jobs and even got two interviews. One job offered me $10 an hour, the other was $12, both receptionist positions. He said they weren't good enough and that I need to make at least $15-$17 per hour. He is 45, he's not a young guy. He is so use to living alone and not taking care of two people. I was his first live-in girlfriend. He does not understand what it takes to raise a family. I broke it off because of other things as well but now I feel better about my decision and can move forward. I think it is important to figure out some sort of game plan financially while you are young to prepare for the future, especially if you a single. I am very smart with my money and I need someone who is similar to me in that respect. Thanks to all who answered.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (12 January 2013):
I bet this man is self-employed and, therefore, his income is bound to vary this way. Millions of people live like that - it's called not working for someone else. By the way, that is mankind's natural state; the idea that you get a paycheck every month, rain or shine, is very much man-made. Look at nature and tell me what predator eats the day he doesn't go out to catch someone.
It takes some time to develop the foresight to cut expenses so it becomes possible to save for a rainy day. You say he's older, but I wonder if that means he's 23. If he were 45 and this hadn't sunk on him, then I would very much worry; but if he's young, then I would say he hasn't had the time (or the maturity) to realize that he has to live under his means.
Maybe you can tell him that?
That said, if you want someone with stable finances, then leave the man.
By the way, nothing in life is granted, except death and taxes. Taxes being more of a sure thing. Have you ever heard of people whose homes are foreclosed?
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A
female
reader, ImmortalPrincess +, writes (12 January 2013):
 Well in my opinion the fact that he thinks he's entitled to decide whether or not you work, is a fair enough reason to break it off with him.
The two of you don't have children who need looking after - you're not married to him, you're only dating - so he has no right to tell you that you can't work.
You need to maintain your independence, and to only way to do that is by having a job and paying your own bills - especially if his income isn't meeting the household needs.
I don't believe relationships should ever be centered around money, but there does need to be SOME financial planning, and the means to support the lifestyle you want to live.
Couples also need to be on the same page when it comes to their future goals and how to finance them - it doesn't sound like the two of you are. He doesn't want you to work - his income can't meet the needs of a two person household, and he wants to add children on top of that.
Yes, you did the right thing - he isn't living in reality.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2013): It is reason enough if it is reason enough for you. If the uncertainty outweighs your love for him, then that is reason enough. Sometimes, a money problem is not important enough, because the love is so powerful, that nothing would matter.Be very sure what your reasons are for ending it. If it is JUST the money situation, you may regret your decision. If it is because the money situation has caused you to lose respect and lose attraction, that may be a more convincing reason. It may be that the main reason you are WITH him, is for financial security. Therefore that is why you are wanting to leave him. I think that if you really loved him with all your heart, money would not be a reason to leave.
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A
female
reader, Got Issues  +, writes (11 January 2013):
 I think you made a very mature decision that says a lot about your strength and will to survive. He shouldn't even be thinking about having children if he doesn't have a steady income. Why didn't he want you to work? If you had had a job, you could have earned money enough to tide you over in the months when he wasn't earning anything, and he could have made up for it when he was earning more. You sound like a really sensible person, and you shouldn't get tied down with money struggles.
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