A
male
age
36-40,
*oo1818
writes:I'm 24 and recently engaged to very wonderful woman. I am bothered by the fact that she has had a lot more sexual partners than I have, but she won't ever tell me how many. She is from a small town and when we go visit we often run into guys she'll talk to and I'll ask who that was and she'll say she dated him I've probably met 15 guys she's dated and I know that she has slept with 10 of them. At the beginning of our relationship she shared some sexual experiences she had in the past (penis sizes, most times she's had sex in a day etc...), but I feel like she never wants to be adventurous with me or try new things sexually. I can pretty much give a play by play of what will happen before we even have sex. I almost feel like she already explored with other guys and is over that, and doesn't want to explore with me. I've tried to bring this up before, but she just gets mad and says that it makes her really self-conscious and makes it harder for her to have sex when she thinks its not good enough for me. Am I being over reactive? Should I just be happy with what I am given?
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (13 January 2013):
 My other guess is that some people can't feel sexual with their ones they love. Casual sex is fine but with a husband figure there is too much exposure and vulnerability. It is like the reverse of the cassanova complex, like seeing men either as providers, nurturers or sexual lovers. Suckers vs fuckers. Very black and white thinking. If she is indeed like that don't get married to her.
I have a lot of experience in sex. I do not ever feel sex is something you grow out of. It is a need and a creative outlet throughout life.
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (13 January 2013):
I will attempt at another guess. Her number of sexual lovers is quite high. One would think that she is wild and kinky but it's quite the opposite. Now I don't think she is bored with experimenting. She is just turned off with the idea of sex because she had some negative experience she didn't want to share with you.
I don't claim myself to be an expert but I have been here for quite a while. I have seen similar stories where women have years of casual sex and then all of a sudden they settle down, get married, and then zero sex and communication shut down. They all seem wonderful before marriage. Something is up. I think you are on the right track trying to find out what's wrong and help her but she wouldn't let you.
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A
male
reader, zoo1818 +, writes (12 January 2013):
zoo1818 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTrust me janniepeg I would never bring that sort of stuff up in the middle of sex. but I do ask if we could try a different position, and usually get an answer that consists of her telling me she feels self conscious and doesn't want to. So I respect her in that aspect and don't push her. Other times I just try without asking and still get shut down. I'm not into anal or facials or anything demeaning. I'm just saying sometimes it would be nice to have completely spontaneous sex, without having to make love, like what cerberus said. I get tired of the same spot, the same time of day, the same way. I think its all boiling down to communication, but i've gotten to the point of being nervous to bring it up because she says it puts to much pressure on her.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2013): Either her past is irrelevant to you or its not. She doesn't get to have it both ways. If her past is irrelevant, then it does not make it uncomfortable for her to talk about certain things with you. It does not make her unwilling to try certain things because she has already done them, etc. It does not deny you things that she would have tried with you if she hadn't already done them with others. If her past really is relevant then you are justified in feeling like you are losing out because of it. Then you have the right to think less of her, possibly break up with her, etc, because of it. Her past was her choices and IT IS having a negative effect on you.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (12 January 2013):
My first response is for people who are vanilla. You are inexperienced, so you don't know if you have a kinky streak and now you want to test that out with your fiancee. I wouldn't tell you, you should have known by now what your preference is, but she has to understand that you are being inquisitive not because you are judging her, but simply because you don't have much experience.
You don't ask permission to do or try things. You just do it and stop if she shows discomfort. You said there is a play by play before every time you have sex. Maybe the problem is that you talk too much. Too much talking ruins the mood, especially you talk about her exes. It is like an ex sitting in between you, staring at you in bed. Stop that " you used to do xxx before, so why not now?" nonsense.
If you decide you and her are sexually incompatible, it's not a bad idea to break off the engagement. You don't want to get stuck in a life time of what ifs. It's even better to be single to be with a person who ignores your requests.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2013): There's not enough info in your question OP. What do you do to try new things? What kind of things are you asking her try etc?
First off sexual preferences based on experience is one thing but who knows she may never have been adventurous sexually and only ever been a vanilla type of girl. So forget that as reasons and start trying to figure out how to resolve it and how much it matters to you.
Firstly the way you approach this with her may make her feel inadequate or as I've seen before she just uses that as an excuse to shut you up because she doesn't want to be more adventurous. There is also the possibility that you're asking for some unreasonable things in her mind. Maybe you want to do anal or a facial and she doesn't and never will. Those things are unnecessary in my mind.
Sorry but I have to disagree with the previous posters, I could never be happy with a partner that I just stick it in missionary and then cum and we're done not matter how much in love or magical that is, or get into a boring routine of the exact same position(s) all the time. Sometimes I don't want some special bond, I want to bend over her the kitchen table and roughly do her, or give her head while she watches soap operas or have some sneaking fondling in the back of a taxi on the way to her parents house or something.
It's great being in love, it's great having very special, emotionally binding love making, but it's also great to be woken up with your girlfriend wildly using your morning wood to get off before she goes to work.
My point is I'm an adventurous lover and being in love and having vanilla sex is not my thing and I would not be sexually compatible with a woman who isn't the same. now I would at least be able to compromise and try and talk to her about it, but yours shuts down and refuses to discuss this with you.
So think hard OP, are you approaching this right, I sense you're not because her past is irrelevant here. I've done everything you can imagine sexually (except scat) I have personal preferences but I don't really have things that I won't do if asked but I do know what's crap or not to do. I was very experienced and my fiancée a virgin when we met, in my mind it wouldn't have worked if I wasn't open to letting her experience everything she wanted to sexually, to me that wouldn't be fair on her. The difference with us though OP is we can talk about this kind of stuff without shutting down so you have a major problem in communication here that needs to be resolved.
So forget her past, try and find a way to express to her that you want her badly and want to try new things with her in a positive way. if she still dismisses you or won't even talk about it then either you put up with a life of vanilla sex or you find a woman who is more compatible with you sexually. Don't ever let anyone tell you you're wrong for wanting a more adventurous sex life, sex is very important and if you just don't work sexually then you just don't work at all.
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A
female
reader, R1  +, writes (12 January 2013):
 I say fair play to her if she's worked out what she likes doesn't like in bed, she's entitled to enjoy her sex life as much if you are. If there is something you feel you really need to do with her you could always ask and she may give it a go. If not and you are engaged you will just have to be a man and be happy that someone loves you and wants to have sex with you!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (12 January 2013):
Her reluctance to explore is due to her sexual preferences. You decide if it's a deal breaker if she won't do the things she wants. Asking her about the past is not going to make her want to do it with you more.
This is not an innocent yes or no question. It does make people uncomfortable, because you are making her out to be a deal, an object, not a person with feelings. Exploration is not position, where you cum, and god forbid threesomes. It is the ability to connect one to one during sex. If you are really in tune with her you can make good ole missionary position magical.
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