A
female
age
,
*usDriver
writes:OK Folks - this worked before, so I am hoping to hear some feedback and that I will be able to understand what happened in my marriage - I wrote June 26th - titled 'He was sweet before our marriage, now he is abusive' and received some great insight. I was truly heartbroken that the man I adored and loved could have hidden his abusive tendencies so well! Things continued to slide downhill - he managed to behave most of the time while my 10 year old son was visiting... but his tirades continued. He likes to play American Army on the computer for many, many hours straight. This is an online simulator game of war - players get missions, they shoot at each other and get shot and die. I say 10-14 hours of this game at a time is not healthy for the mind or body! On days he worked, he would play only 4-5 hours each evening. Then he would jump in bed and demand sex, oral sex or whatever. I told him that army games were not a major turn on for me... he went ballistic and would yell at me, then go back to the computer for a few hours.He insisted last month that we split all bills down the middle 50-50. I told him no - he made twice as much money (at least) as I do and I do 100% of the household chores. The first month, I paid half of the rent and half on some bills. I wanted to show him that it would not work - I had no money to by Actos - my diabetic meds. No money for my blood pressure meds. He said - 'oh well' I told him that I would not pay 1/2 ever again. I wanted to take over bill payments, he said 'no'. I told him we would have to compromise - reach a happy medium. He did not reply.My birthday came - he fussed about having to pay my car tags ($47.00) and for having to pay $35 to take me out to dinner. 2 months ago for his bd.,I bought him a beautiful desk, got him a card, took him to dinner etc. He did not buy me a card or any gift at all. Also, since we were married almost 3 months ago, he would threaten almost daily to leave and go back to his hometown 2 hours away. He would say - 'then how would u pay rent, huh? you cant afford this place without me' Today, he handed me a $230 check - told me it was his share of the rent and I was to pay the rest of it (about $400). I refused. Finally, I had enough and today I turned and told him he had destroyed our relationship and I couldnt take his bulliness, his attempts at intimidation and his yelling anymore. I'm not sure I even love him anymore. He packed a bag and left. Calling me a horrible wife, threatening divorce etc.He has been taking benadryl every night (2) for months. And sometimes nyquil. He had some pain pills - he took 8 vicodin one night and was mad cause it didn't make him sleep. He told me he has been driving with a loaded gun, driving crazy so that a cop would pull him over. He wants to point the gun at the cop so the cop will shoot and kill him. After this confession, I gently told him it sounded like he was suffering from depression and needed a physical and someone to talk to. He got mad - tells me it is me etc. He refuses to accept responsibility for his behavior, refuses to apologize for anything... constantly tells me how bad I am etc.Can someone please tell me why he didn't show this side of himself BEFORE we got married? we dated for 18 months! I really loved the man I dated and married - and I want him to love me - this really hurts! Why doesn't he love me like he did when we were dating?We havent even been married for 3 months yet!Can anyone help me understand what happened here?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Honest Answer +, writes (14 December 2009):
 Look here and listen! You only have 21 months invested in this relationship. Pack your stuff and move before you end up on the front page of the daily news. This is not a marriage. This is not healthy. Grab whatever you can and RUN!!
Good Luck!
A
female
reader, BusDriver +, writes (14 October 2009):
BusDriver is verified as being by the original poster of the question Wow... so much turmoil in so few months! 5 to be exact. This was so cyclic in nature. I recognized the pattern well. He left the home 5 times in 4 months. When he would start yelling and screaming at me I would put ear plugs in - and when that wasn't enough to keep him away from me, I put a dead bolt lock on the spare bedroom door and moved into there. This man would play America's Army (an online game)16-18 hours a day when he wasn't working! 4-6 hours on days he did work. He never served in the military, but this online interactive game puts people in combat mode or something. He never, ever took the trash out or put a new bag into the can. After 5 months of living there, he claimed he didn't know where they were kept. He never put a dish in the dishwasher and surely never emptied it when the dished were clean! He didn't lift a finger to do anything in our home. When I would cook, he turned his nose up to it. If I came in from work after 9pm (his bedtime) he would have a fit. If I woke in the middle of the night and couldn't sleep... well, I was expected to lay still until I did sleep. No light for reading, no playing a game on my cell phone - even in silent mode. Absolutely no TV! He walked out on his job 2 weeks ago. Last time he packed his stuff, he moved in with his sister an hour and a half away. His house is in major disrepair and no utilities. His preacher will assist him getting utilities... He picked up the washer and carried it downstairs, popped a hernia and had surgery today. His car died last Monday and now he has to walk everywhere... no job.
I was stunned when the minister called me and supported my husband when he suggested the following : I should quit MY job, move to the town his house is in, move into that rat-infested place, and we can both be without jobs.... together! I reminded him that he needed me to continue to work at my job for the insurance, cause he was gonna have surgery... "oh yea.... hadn't thought of that"
He left me... with rent due and no way to pay. I told him if he really want to be married, then he needs to come back and help clean up the mess his poor decisions created.
BIG part of me is happy.... but I really am sad. How could he have been oh so fine as a boyfriend and of so horrid as a husband? Like night and day!
...............................
A
female
reader, BusDriver +, writes (14 October 2009):
BusDriver is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow... so much turmoil in so few months! 5 to be exact. This was so cyclic in nature. I recognized the pattern well. He left the home 5 times in 4 months. When he would start yelling and screaming at me I would put ear plugs in - and when that wasn't enough to keep him away from me, I put a dead bolt lock on the spare bedroom door and moved into there. This man would play America's Army (an online game)16-18 hours a day when he wasn't working! 4-6 hours on days he did work. He never served in the military, but this online interactive game puts people in combat mode or something. He never, ever took the trash out or put a new bag into the can. After 5 months of living there, he claimed he didn't know where they were kept. He never put a dish in the dishwasher and surely never emptied it when the dished were clean! He didn't lift a finger to do anything in our home. When I would cook, he turned his nose up to it. If I came in from work after 9pm (his bedtime) he would have a fit. If I woke in the middle of the night and couldn't sleep... well, I was expected to lay still until I did sleep. No light for reading, no playing a game on my cell phone - even in silent mode. Absolutely no TV! He walked out on his job 2 weeks ago. Last time he packed his stuff, he moved in with his sister an hour and a half away. His house is in major disrepair and no utilities. His preacher will assist him getting utilities... He picked up the washer and carried it downstairs, popped a hernia and had surgery today. His car died last Monday and now he has to walk everywhere... no job.
I was stunned when the minister called me and supported my husband when he suggested the following : I should quit MY job, move to the town his house is in, move into that rat-infested place, and we can both be without jobs.... together! I reminded him that he needed me to continue to work at my job for the insurance, cause he was gonna have surgery... "oh yea.... hadn't thought of that"
He left me... with rent due and no way to pay. I told him if he really want to be married, then he needs to come back and help clean up the mess his poor decisions created.
BIG part of me is happy.... but I really am sad. How could he have been oh so fine as a boyfriend and of so horrid as a husband? Like night and day!
...............................
A
male
reader, lionelhutz +, writes (4 August 2009):
I wish I could answer what happened but I don't know what to say. Perhaps he was simply putting his best foot forward to impress you but with marriage realized that was no longer necessary (as far as he was concerned). I don't know....
I would go back to the answers of your original question. If you can, you need to leave this man. If you are not happy now, who knows how worse it could get. Particularly from a man who seems depressed and claims to be in posession of a loaded firearm.
Best of luck!
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