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age
36-40,
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writes: We've known eachother for nearly 5 months, but in fairness we've only met a couple of times. So in person we still have much to know about eachother. However, our chats on facebook got us very close, which we ended up having a couple of dates. After I confessed me feelings, because I felt like nothing much was happening, he drifted away. Eventually told me that he likes me very much, but isnt ready for any kind of relationship or dating with anyone. He said he had rushed into relationships before, and they ended terribly, whether they cheated on him, stole his money etc. His last relationship ended just before Christmas. And he said he's had enough of all the drama and wants sometime to himself. He said he would like to date me, but he knows he'd get attached to me, and then before long we would be a couple. So he's holding back his feelings from me. He also said he thinks he's confused as to what he wants, and needs more time. As he is 34 he tells me that he feels pressured into rushing and finding someone because everyone else he knows is either married or has kids. So he wants to take his time with the next girl. But of course, he doesnt want to loose my friendship either. Questions that run in my head, is there still a chance? I like him very much, and I know im a good person, but he doesnt know that yet. Do I carry on meeting him as a friend until we do get to know eachother more? Or do I just move on and date others? You know what they say, if you remain friends...thats all we ever will be, but I want more than that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2014): I think you're going back and forth about this.
You may not understand you're not giving him space. You've never had that choice. He never intended any commitment. You were just someone to chat with during his idle times alone. Maybe he thinks he could get together for sex at some point. He fed you a lot of bait to gain your trust.
Testing your gullibility and hoping your dumb.
Predators are always on line, looking for naive lonely young girls they think aren't very bright. He's a well-practiced player.
He offered you a lot of disclaimers and left himself plenty of escape hatches by telling you he's not looking for a relationship. That means, sex is always an option; but commitment is not!
Find yourself some healthy distraction. You've put too much of your time into this guy. You're stuck.
Threatening the guy that you're moving on isn't going to shock him into suddenly going out with you; because he's afraid to lose you. He does not care! He never did.
You're slowly creeping away, looking over your shoulder waiting for a sign he's going to stop you. He isn't!
He's already talking to other women he figures are dumb enough to fall for his schemes. You came here, because you were suspicious. Smart move!
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (26 March 2014):
 Don't wait for him, it's the worst thing you can put yourself through and it's a waste of your time. If he's ever going to come back (and I doubt very much that he will) he will do it of his own volition and you pining and waiting for him wont make a bit of difference, it will just make you look desperate and needy.
You are young, there is a big world waiting for you and you might meet the man of your dreams next week, next year or in ten years...what you don't do is hang your hopes on someone who is clearly running in the other direction.
You need to teach yourself that not every guy you meet should be a perfect fit, most early meetings fail to make it to long term...you need to decide how you wish to be treated by men and stick to that.
Flaky guys remain like that their whole lives and you are wise if you give them a miss.
I wish I was your age again with the wisdom of what I know now...Oh how differently I'd play it.
Don't let this play on your mind...forget him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI suppose so, I should have put more details up but he was misleading, he told me not in person that he didnt want commitments. But then was telling me "I should one day take you here, and one day there". Like he wanted to date me! Even implied me staying over his one day! And then in person kept with the no. I said to him I think your confused with what you want, and he said "Yea I think I am". I told him I was moving on so he could have his space, but...I do wonder if he ever will come back after his time away.
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (26 March 2014):
No it's not contradictory to want to get to know someone as a friend, but this guy confused you because he's probably been sweet talking you through facebook and texts but up close and personal, he backed off and went the no relationship route. It could be that when he met you, he just wasn't that into you but maybe thought you'd make a good friend...that IS allowed!!
You felt rejected and you probably don't want to be 'just friends'...that IS allowed too!!
Now you have both cut ties, he's accepted your 'I don't want to be just friends' so it is how it is.
He didn't really need to say sorry, he just needed to be honest...and he was.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your responses. Its upset me to think he has ignored me ever since i said I wanted to move on. I was expecting at least a sorry message, or some goodbye. I wont forget his last words on that meet up "I want to get to know you more and hang out, but I just dont want to date anyone". Contradictory don't you think :(
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2014): My dear, I'm not going to let you go away feeling low. This is a learning experience that will teach you how to protect your feelings. We all want someone special and to feel cared for.
You have to take the risk, or you will never find anyone.
We all have to learn how to hold back our feelings to be sure who we're giving them to, and if it is worth the trouble. I don't want you to leave the site feeling like you've done anything wrong, or with a heavy heart. You're young and you'll meet someone else. It's only a matter of time.
Just be careful how you start falling; because guys say nice things to you and sweep you off you feet with messages and calls; but they don't show up until they think sex is on the agenda. Don't sit waiting for your phone to ring.
Expect only a lot of meaningless words so he won't look like a dick. You'd be better off deleting him and blocking him so he can't upset you. He's given you the "I don't want to get hurt" excuse. He'll play on your feelings until he gets you in bed. He just wants to make sure he can jet after the deed is done, and you're not hunting him down.
Well, you don't want to get hurt either.
GO COMPLETE NO CONTACT FROM HERE!
You're inexperienced, maybe a little naive; but you're not dumb.
He isn't going to be the last guy that tries to get-over. If you hold back, and wait to see where the guy is coming from before attaching your feelings; you'll know beforehand if the guy is just trying to get you in the sack. That's okay if that's what you both want; but you want more. So you have to be more careful. That's all.
You'll be fine.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (25 March 2014):
Well it's a good thing, forget him and keep your chin up x
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell Ive done the right thing and told him im moving on, and he hasnt replied to me since..
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2014): It really gets me when these guys don't just tell the truth and show some balls when they ditch a woman. What a bunch of wussys!!!
All that crap about getting hurt, protecting his feelings, is all bullsh*t.
He just wanted to date you, maybe have sex, and that's it. All that sensitive stuff about how he could love you and get attached; is only to leave the option open, and not rule out the possibility of sex.
Guys who really care about you stick around. They don't have phone-relationships with you. They actually take you out, date you, and treat you very special. They prove what they feel with their actions. Not a lot of text messages and hollow promises.
You have to learn to read men by their actions and behavior.
Being online and using social media is an easy way to keep
you at a safe-distance, and offers him an easy escape.
He can sweet-talk you, and lie through his teeth in a long-winded text message. Spout all sorts of sweet phrases and not mean a single-syllable of it. You'll lap it all up, and you've hardly even seen the jerk.
You want more? Then you'll have to find it somewhere else!
Stop swallowing a ton of online/text messaged bullsh*t.
Facebook-romances are about as real as bargain-bin romance novels. They're just as cheesy!
Facebook is just another social medium to spread online flirtations; to see who's game for a quick hookup. Guys reel you in with long conversations. Special messages, they tell you their phony secrets, listen to you intently, and size you up for a sucker.
Get out and meet guys. Make yourself available.
Don't form feelings over devices. That is so desperate!
Wait until he asks you out on dates.
I used the plural...D-A-T-E-S!!! If a guy doesn't ask you out for a "second" AND "third" date. He's not that into you. Phone calls and messages are not dates. Hugging your grandfather is more personal and meaningful.
Wait and see how much time he spends with you face-to-face/ in-person; before assuming he likes you at all. Not fall for a bunch of sappy-sweet babble over the phone, or in his messages.
You want more? You'll have to find guys who want the same thing.
They show it by actually spending their time WITH YOU! NOT SHOOTING MESSAGES AT YOU!!!
Sorry! Had to be tough.
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (24 March 2014):
Sadly he has given every excuse possible to let you know he doesn't want to date you and you need to take him at his word.
He's come out of one relationship and does not want to get into another at this time and I think he's been very fair and honest with you.
Sometimes we have a hard time accepting that someone just doesn't want to date us (however nice we are). He's had a couple of dates and he isn't beating down your door so you just need to drop it for now.
Stay friends if you want to but date other people, because he probably will too. If he wanted to get to know you better, he would have made more dates but he's backed off and all the excuses he gave you are probably just a nice way of saying
'You arn't for me'
Don't get upset, it just happens that way sometimes and it doesn't mean you arn't attractive or worthy of a relationship, he just doesn't want it to be with him.
Keep your chin up.
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