A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm very upset with my boyfriend and I'm wondering if I'm overreacting or being a jerk. My grandfather was recently hospitalized and has been in and out of congestive heart failure. I am 20 and still living at home. My parents have decided to fly down to stay with him this upcoming week since he lives out of state and I am to stay at home to take care of our pets, the house, and my younger sister. I texted my boyfriend about what was happening and told him I had had a shitty day and that my Grandpa wasn't doing well. He only texted "Sorry" back. I explained that it was okay and that I've just been upset, but that I would be staying behind for the week and jokingly mentioned how the bright side was that we could get some alone time (He lives at home, too. We never ever have alone time.) I said it to cheer myself up more than anything and to try to find the proverbial silver lining. An hour later he messages me that no he can't come over at all because his uncle and aunt will be in town until Saturday. What really irks me is he has a horrible relationship with his family. He tells me all the time how he doesn't feel close to anyone in his family and that he is so glad to have me. He even lied to his Mom about how we met because he was afraid of how upset she might be. We met online. Don't get me wrong, my boyfriend is a good guy. He is very affectionate and loving while in person and we've been seeing each other for some time now. I just feel like he is being a little cold. He hasn't said anything nice like, "If you need anything, just let me know." And he just immediately shot down spending time with me in a time when I could really use some happiness. I'm so mad and hurt and I don't know how to approach this. He hates his family, but has to be with them every waking second while they visit? He can't make time for just a few hours? He can't offer me any kind words, at least? I'm not begging him to move in for the week. I just want a little love and support.I messaged him back "Fine." which is a very cold message if you know my texting lingo. He asked if I was mad and I just don't know what to say. I'm really pissed and upset about everything. Part of me wants to blow up on him and part of me doesn't. I just don't know if I'm being a jerk and overreacting or if my feelings are legitimate? I haven't messaged him in over an hour, another signal that I'm pissed. I usually reply pretty quickly. What should I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow, well first and foremost, thank you to the first two responders. I really appreciated your answers and they really helped me think through my situation. Abella, you really were on target with how I feel. I was really disappointed, but MooMum you make a good point in that sometimes people just don't know what to say or do. I didn't even think of that. After reading your responses about how I needed to just explain my feelings which were legit, I explained to him why I was upset and he did apologize a few times. So, we'll see how he acts from here on out and how everything unfolds between us. Thank you both. It is much appreciated.To anonymous: I don't really see how I'm manipulative? I think it is common sense to know that when someone comes to you with a serious problem, such as a dear family member possibly dying, they hope for more than a "Sorry" and a lack of support. I'm not being childish. I'm worn down, stressed out, and just wanted someone to give a crap. I didn't say I was fine. I replied "Fine" when he said he wouldn't be spending any time with me. I realize it is "not all about me", but excuse me for wanting my boyfriend to be there for me emotionally. I find your response insulting and offensive.
A
female
reader, Lucky786  +, writes (31 July 2011):
 I think - A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2011) is spot on. Excellent answer.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2011): You need to (a) stop playing mind games and being manipulative and passive aggressive, and (b) cut him some slack and realize that he cannot read your mind and know what exactly you want unless you say so, and that it's not all about you.
It's not fair to him that you're having in your mind a single specific "right" way that he should act or respond to you in a given situation, and yet not communicating this to him. So you texted him about your situation. How is he supposed to know exactly what you want him to say? He did express sympathy - he said "sorry." But you had decided that for some reason this isn't enough and you got mad at him yet without saying it but instead playing games by acting all pissy back at him.
it's being passive aggressive when you are obviously angry at someone, but pretending not to be, and yet hoping they will read your mind know that you're angry at them anyway.
you need to "man up" (or "woman up" rather) and speak the truth. If you're not "fine" then dont' say you are unless you sincerely want him to think that you are fine. If you don't want him to think that you're perfectly happy, then why do you tell him you are?
If you're angry at him, then tell him that. You don't have to explode at him or insult or hurt him or anything, just tell him calmly and in a neutral tone that you are hurt because you expected more from him. And then this leads into the discussion of whether it's fair on him or not and then you will know for sure what his intentions were when he texted you or why he didn't do what you were hoping. It's possible that this is just not his way of communicating. but if you just keep stewing in secret and playing mind games, this is very childish and will get you nowhere and scenes like this will play out again in the future.
it's very frustrating to be in a relationship with someone who won't tell you what their expectations are, cuts you no slack even though they don't tell you that they have narrow expectations for how you "should" be behaving or speaking in a given situation, and then indirectly punish you or behave all weird when you fail to read their mind, and *still* don't tell you what you did wrong. Don't be this kind of a partner.
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (31 July 2011):
 Some people worry about saying the wrong thing when someone they love has a sick relative. I struggled to know what to say when my cousin was dying recently. It could be that he's worried about saying the wrong thing so he's bascially saying nothing. You definately need to tell him that you really need his support cause he's not going to figure it out by himself. Tell him how you feel about the things he has said so far.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (31 July 2011):
 it is entirely reasonable that you are feeling stressed and in need of some empathy and support. Your grandfather is seriously ill with heart problems. Your parents are concerned and caring enough to visit him.
Your parents have asked you to accept the responsibility of taking on extra duties to look after things at home, while they are away. And you have accepted that responsibilty.
Of course you are stressed, and in need of some empathy and support.
So you turned to your boyfriend who you met online, but who lives close by.
And to give you some added support you suggested your boyfriend spend some time with you.
And he said no, as he has family visiting.
He has failed to recognise how much you would like some support and empathy right now. When he refused you replied, 'Fine'
There is no better way to send 'code' that YES you are not happy, you are disappointed. You asked and were refused, when you really needed him.
Be honest with him. Tell him. Otherwise your 'Fine' will fester into more.
If he really feels totally unable to get away at all then you may have to work on other strategies to give you support.
At the very least your boyfriend should have been able to to give you some verbal or written support. Is he trying to tell you that all his family are watching him 24/7 making it impossible to phone or text? Or even send you a virtual online 'best wishes' e-card? Even if a physical visit in person is not possible? Yes I find his response disappointing.
Some people seem to be happy to be friends in fair weather and run a mile or refuse to stick around when there is illness. It is not genuine friendship if they can't see you in the challenging times and prefer only the ''good weather'' days
If your boyfriend is adamant that he cannot see you then make a list of five things that you can turn to on days like this. Good healthy supportive things. Such as:
1. If you have a Wii have some fun exercising with that. Alternatively put on an exercise Dvd and do a work out.
2. Make some chocolate muffins and freeze them for use on the day your parents return.
3. Start a journal, writing your thoughts every day, it can be good therapy.
4. Pick up some good fiction at the library to read. I can happliy recommend Phillippa Gregory historicals - really good escape
5. Get some good bath products and some great magazines, plus some relaxing music playing just outside the bathroom - so the music wafts in, rather than takes over by being too close - and enjoy an uninterrupted 60 minute soak in the bathroom
Good luck and I hope your Bf realises that he could have handled this better
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