A
female
age
30-35,
*ioletray
writes:I started dating a guy just over a month ago, things were very exciting the first couple of weeks, I got the butterflies and could tell he was really nervous when we had our first couple of dates (even though we knew each other about 10 years ago)He's 33 and has been single for 4 years, his longest relationship has been 6 months. He's a vegetarian bit literally just loves on eggs and salad. I think he may actually have an eating disorder. And he never has energy. On our third little date I met his parents briefly! Then we went for a meal that I had to ask to be taken on! First two dates had been coffee and a walk. I have found over the few weeks that he doesn't ask many questions to find things out about me.. He hasn't even asked what I do within my job role! I stayed at his a fortnight ago and accidentally left my contact lenses there so asked if he could drop them off one day when he had time (he drives past mine every day for work). I had to wait two weeks for him to bring them though, and even then I had to remind him. He also stayed at mine one night recently and as I had to go to work early the following morning I entrusted him with the housekey so he could get a lay in. I said he could post my key and I would pick up my spare from dads that night. He texted later in the morn and said he still had my key and would like to see me after work n hand me the key (quite sweet) at about 5 pm I messaged him and he said he was at his parents (who live a 2 min drive away from my work) but that he was headed home soon. By the time I was able to reply and ask him to meet me at my work quick (he has to drive past) so I could grab key he told me he was already back at his. I thought that was a bit odd, surely he would have made an effort to give me the key or at least stuck with original plan!? He came round to mine a couple nights ago and came to the pub to meet some of my mates, I presumed he would stay over but he said he was heading back home. There's lots of other little things that played on mind such as one day before he left mine he asked for a quickie! He's quite sifficult to converse and have a laugh with. And prior to a meal we were meant to have with his mates he said he was paying for my meal as the sex after would be payment! (I ended up saying no to the meal). I said he better be joking but he didn't answer me and I couldn't work out the look on his face. So I have reached a point that although he is a fairly nice man, very good looking he is not the one for me. I still think that maybe I haven't given him a good enough chance!!What do people think of this? What do you think his motives could be? Is he just lacking confidence or is he some sort of manipulator or narcissist?! And I don't know the best way to end it! Awkward with it being Xmas! Thanks guys
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female
reader, violetray +, writes (29 December 2017):
violetray is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys, I think I just needed people to confirm what I've thought. In the past my judgement/ideas/opinions have always been questioned by people, even those that were meat to nurture. So I find it difficult to go with my gut at times. I did wonder if he might be autistic but he has so many friends, but they're the fake looking people and just give banter all the time from what I know, so can't converse on a deeper level!
I have my key back and it was going to take a while to meet him for a coffee and say what was going on so unfortunately it was done by text. If we had spent more time together I would have definitely made more of an effort to say to his face.
Thanks for your help :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2017): Your description of him goes over as he could be a bit of a crackpot. He's just weird. Attractive-people seem to get-over a bit; for some reason, it's easier to dump someone who is plain or average. I'm not implying you're superficial, I'm just making an observation.
I'm very uncomfortable that you gave him your house key. If he hasn't been able to maintain a long-term relationship; that's surely an indication he has some issues to deal with.
Perhaps his peculiarity may be attributed to autism or possibly some undiscovered personality-disorder; but I'm more inclined to believe he's just offbeat and socially-awkward. That's common in a lot of people; since articulate people with good interactive-skills come at a premium these days. That being due to technology and total reliance on digital devices as the primary means of communication.
Don't assign yourself the task of fixing men. They should come factory-equipped with social-skills, solid-character, self-confidence, and good-manners. Provided you've got your act together. If you aren't, it wouldn't matter!
Some very sweet geeky or nerdy guys just suck at it! If you can get past the weirdness, they can be so totally adorable. Not in your friend's case. Something is off. Perhaps malnutrition, or a vitamin-deficiency where vital proteins are missing from his diet. The brain needs proteins for proper synaptic-function. You also need many sources of vitamins and minerals; because the body can only draw energy when given sufficient fuel. He's a man, and we need a lot of fuel!
Women are more selective and discerning than ever before; so if you don't come across right, you just miss-out. That's because I think women are realizing it's better to duck a bullet on the first sign of red-flags! I'm the same way!
I think you've given him a fair chance; but by the length of your post, you're feeling a great deal of trepidation. Go with your gut, girlfriend!
You have no obligation to stick it out with him only because you feel sorry for him; and/or it's tougher to dump a cutie. Personality counts above looks! It's no fun talking to yourself; while dragging conversation out of someone sitting there like a bump on a log! If you ask him to do something like promptly return your key, he should justify your trust.
It's best not to waste his or your time; if you've concluded he's not for you. Don't let guilt or pity override better judgment. Better now than waiting until he's deeply-attached or infatuated with you. Then he might become a stalker or general irritant.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2017): Yep, totally lacking in social skills. He doesn't seem to know how to converse, it's almost as if he's going through the motions until he gets sex.
Narcissists and manipulators have an abundance of charm and social skills, so no, he definitely isn't one of those!
He doesn't seem to behave in a logical way, at least logical to you and me.
It's never easy to finish something but I would suggest meeting for a coffee again and at first admitting that it's not easy to say, but that there isn't the spark there that you thought there was, sorry.
Not nice to do, but it will be so much better once it's done.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (28 December 2017):
 I think you summarized nicely and accurately when you said "although he is a fairly nice man, very good looking he is not the one for me". You have already decided that he is not for you so why give him more chances? You know if your heart you will only get more of what you have already had, which will just re-affirm what you already know - that he is not for you.
Look into the future. A year, 5 years, 10 years. Can you imagine living with this man and his "quirks"? By that time you would probably also be feeling unloved (he probably would still not know anything about you which you had not chosen to TELL him, as he would not have asked), and his lack of energy (probably due in no small part to his diet) would be taking its toll on you as well.
Sweetheart, you know he is NOT FOR YOU. Finish things cleanly but kindly, and move on to someone who doesn't have so many issues. You know you deserve more.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (28 December 2017):
 OP,
There is a reason this guy has been single so long and that his longest relationship has been 6 months. He is lacking in social skills A LOT.
I think you need to look at all these red flags and let him know that you don't really feel a romantic connection so you rather end it now than drag it out.
(make sure you get your key back first!)
I don't think he is a manipulator or narcissist - he could be on the Autism spectrum as he seems to be kind of off in the social cues and skills. Nothing you write makes me thin he is a manipulator or narcissist at all... Just a really awkward person.
And... NOT a suitable match for you.
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