A
female
age
,
*olitairestudy
writes:Hi, my partner of five years is 62 and I am 53 hence we have a lot of life experiences between us. When we first got together he told me a lot about his past and if I'm honest I was shocked as it consisted of 4 unplanned pregnancies, 3 abortions etc etc. (I was brought up a Catholic and I suppose had and still have different ideals and standards, however I did sleep with my intended husband at the time although I was careful and on the pill!!) (Double standards!) I cannot comprehend how anyone could be so irresponsible, they were all with different girls although they were all long term girlfriends 2 years or more(he didn't marry til he was 33)and his mother who is still with us knew all about them and still keeps in contact with them all. It is though I cannot escape from this past and although I don't bring any of this up at all it still feels as though I can't accept he is only wants me!! It's strange as he has never given me any reason to doubt him although I do find him a little flirtatious, (he denies this) Another thing that upsets me a little is that although I gather he was quite a stud in the bedroom department (he also has four children with his ex) he is now impotent and I feel disappointed and a bit cheated although he is very loving and wants constant cuddles and closeness. He also had a hurtful time with his ex over money issues and now is a commitment phobic saying he will never marry again I on the other hand feel this would seal our love (once a Catholic always a Catholic) and he shouldn't tar us all with the same brush as we're not all out for what we can get. Please can anyone shed any light on my mixed up feelings?? Thanks x
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female
reader, solitairestudy +, writes (26 September 2009):
solitairestudy is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks to all who answered......... I really appreciate your time....... All your answers gave me food for thought and I take them all on-board. At the moment I am suffering from anxiety and depression and I think sometimes this alters your perspective on things. x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2009): I'm not sure I should say this really but here it is I think you now feel like you have the "shitty end of the stick". i.e. It sounds like he's almost lived his life and you're getting the remnants - giving him cuddles when everyone else has had better. Personally I don't think you are going to be satisfied and I don't blame you. Also and I think this is more important still, he clearly has some different morals to you and to a woman this is a big deal, the results of which are still hanging around and you are being undermined and 'tested' in a way by them. 3 abortions is pretty heavy stuff in itself and this makes you feel like he does not care much about womens feelings and dignity - combined with being a flirt is likely to make you feel cautious and is also making you feel compromised. If you were given his background and his current sexual 'status' on paper and told to decide whether to meet him, would you? I wonder having read your post several times whether you lack the sense of self worth to be able to see this relationship with greater clarity. He doesn't make you happy - emotionally or sexually. Do you want to live out the rest of your days with this guy? Is it possible for you to get away from the situation for a few days on your own perhaps to have a think?
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003  +, writes (25 September 2009):
 Life does things to us. We make a lot of mistakes. You can't live to age 62 without stepping on a lot of toes.
The financial / commitment issues can be fixed with a pre-nup agreement, which if properly done is bullet-proofed. After the wedding, you two can do a post-nup, the same thing as the pre-nup; make it rock solid. A good lawyer can do that for you.
The abortions are an issue that likely had to do with his girlfriends not him. It doesn't seem he's the one that wanted them, but we're not sure.
His four children are the result of what I think is probably a marriage. Its a consequence of being married.
Impotence can be fixed if the two of you want to make the efforts to see the right people about it, including all the devices and pills that take care of it.
And finally, his mother keeps in contact with all the women of his life, because she loves him and therefore, loves all the women who loved him. She's a mom and mom's like doing little things like that.
Now as far as his past holding you back. Part of a relationship is accepting the fact that we find our partners where they are in life. It would seem he's not likely to make the same mistakes all over again.
If he's this affectionate with you, there appears to be an emotional bond there, perhaps a deeper emotional commitment.
Focusing on that emotional commitment is important. If he feels certain that there's a lot of trust between him and you, and there's a lot of acceptance; he'll come around to marrying you, if that's what you want.
He's probably at that stage where he wants companionship and if he could fix the impotency, I think he'd be happy to do more for you.
Of course this is all a matter of perspectives as well. As a Catholic you'd want to accept him, warts n all and let him look deep inside his heart, accept what he's done and through his act of contrition, save himself.
But that's his job, not yours.
We can't do everything for everyone. But from everything you've said, there's a deep and mutual attraction. It just needs a lot of work.
The solution to this is sitting down with him and explaining all of these lingering issues so that he can make the changes in himself, if he truly loves you, that will give you ample assurances that he only wants you from now on.
It seems that this is where he's at. If he's this affectionate, he loves you. And if he loves you, then making things right so you can be happy and content would be his number 1 priority.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2009): First talk to a doctor about his impotency and possible solutions. There's always the blue pill? Besides sex is more then penetration, you should know that at your age. There's plenty of action still to get in the bedroom. For example try toys etc.
"I gather he was quite a stud in the bedroom department (he also has four children with his ex) " Him having children doesn mean he's got talent in the bedroom, being a talented lover does not mean only you can have babies... ?
As for the miscarriages? They were ages ago weren't they? And he's gotten 4 children too, so him being irresponsible I doubt. Irresponsible would be running away from his kids and not even knowing if he has any!
And, it takes two people to get pregnant. Why put all the blame on him for the abortions? As I am aware, its the womans decision to have an abortion or not. As for the miscarriages, thats up to God to decide if a woman miscarries or not, and not reflecting on his irresponsibility.
And if I read this right, you are unsure if he wants only you? He's been with you for 5 years. Sounds to me like you are over thinking things! Get over it, be happy with yourself, and dont blame your insecurities on him.
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