A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Okay, I am quite confused. My boyfriend proposed to me right after we got back together after our third break up. Then four months later he's having all of these doubts about us, how he thinks he has missed out on experiencing his late teenage/early adulthood years (we got together when he was fourteen and now hes twenty). So we take a break so he can think about things.Then he says nevermind, everythings fine two days later. Now, a week has passed by with both of us swearing we're going to try harder to keep the relationship together (He's always with his friends, and our relationship has no excitement; it's stale). So, a week goes by and nothing gets better than he tells me the thought that he's missed out on things has not gone away. Then he talks about checking out other girls more. Then he says how he doesn't know how to fix things and I say I don't either! Then he says hes not ready to get married. So we break off the engagement. But he won't break up with me and he's going back and forth. He says he loves me but half of him wants to be single. Is this fair to me? NO. I guess my question is, why won't he break it off with me if he feels that way? We've broken up three times before but it's always been me that's done the breaking up. He's never been like this before; he's always been so committed to me. I am just so confused! Why won't he break up with me? Is he scared to be alone or does he really want to be with me? It seems he's just scared, but what do I do? I mean, I don't want to be the one to break up AGAIN!
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female
reader, wonderingcat  +, writes (13 March 2009):
 You are his pacifier! So if you want him to wake up as an adult, you need to leave him so he can figure out what he wants in life. Tell him that he is right. Tell him to go out there and explore, just do it without you.
In the meantime, you go out and explore too! Are you into arts? Sports? Travel? Do the things that you are interested in, or would like to learn more, on your own (or ask some female friends to go with you). The arts community is usually a very small one (be it on theater/performance, indie music/films, etc etc etc) and often, you will find the most interesting and very unique smart people in there. If you like something "light" yet requires a lot of energy and good coordination, join a salsa dancing club/school. Do all these things on your own, without him. Your intentions will not be for getting a date there, but more for broadening your horizon and enriching your mind.
You will be so busy with these extra activities that you will not have time to be "confused", or even to be "pre-occupied" with thoughts on him.
Good luck
Cat
A
female
reader, jessica04 +, writes (13 March 2009):
 Honey, just break it off with him. If he doesn't even know if he wants to be with you AFTER proposing, then he has no business continuing a relationship with you.
Give him all the space he needs, and in the mean time, don't feel bad if you start to move on with your life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2009): You need to take the initiative and just walk away. This isnt fair to you, you cant spend your life in limbo! My guess is your right, he just doesnt want to be alone. But you CAN NOT be his 'back burner girl' for when he is done experiencing life. Thats bullsh*t. He has to give you the opportunity to move on if you are not what he wants. Remember, this isnt fair to YOU. You have to protect your heart. Good luck.
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