A
female
age
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*dognon
writes:I have a problem, i am completely and totally against porn, i just cant accept it and i cant accept my boyfriend looking at it. I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years and he has always known how upset it feel about it, i have tried to understand the concept of it but i just cant accept it. He has always promised me he would never look at it, and that he doesnt look at it ever, and i told him to always tell me the truth because if i found out that he has lied or looked at it i would be so hurt, recently i just caught him out, with a history of porn on his computer that he forgot to delete, i went into hysterics, im so hurt i dont know why i am so hurt, i wish i was the type that could enjoy it too, or the type of girlfriend who doesnt mind or finds it funny, but i cant!!, i dont know whats wrong with me. I cant stop crying about it when i think of what he has done, i can only think of it in a way as mental cheating and it disturbs me so much.i dont know what to do know, i know its such a common thing, and i know its stupid to feel the way i do but i cant help it....i feel that he new how much this would hurt me and did it and lied about it....i love him so much but im hurting so much atm that i dont know if i want to be with him anymore and that if he cant accept how i feel then maybe we shouldnt be together...?help my mind is to hurt to think straight
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female
reader, cdognon +, writes (16 June 2009):
cdognon is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to everybody for your answers,
to MA-KS your story breaks my heart, i feel as though my own pain is bad enough, to go through the things you are going through would absolutely break me....how are you coping with it? im glad that there is someone who can relate to my feelings, i feel as though im going down the road of paranoia, its been a bit over a week, and my boyfriend and i are trying to work things out except its all i can think about, and i can only think well if he has lied to me for 5 years, then he will definately lie to me again, i cant trust him at all now, i just dont understand love anymore... i would never do anything to hurt him because i love him and if he can hurt me so easily for so long, then maybe it isnt love that he is feeling for me...everything he says to me i second guess... like when he says i love you the only thing i can think is how?? when you did all this??
to the person who says i am the problem, he got into a relationship knowing what he was getting himself into within the first few weeks i made it clear how i felt about porn, if he couldnt do right by me then he should have been upfront and told me, then he could have found a girlfriend who liked that stuff. life would be some much easier right now if i had known straight away, without him making me believe he was someone he is not, he always told me he wasnt like other disgusting guys.
why should you look at porn if you are in a loving relationship?? shouldnt the love of your life be on your mind? not some fake boobed bimbo?? fair enough if your single... or if you have never had sex but if sex is great then why must men have to look at pictures of other women?? that defeats the purpose of devoting yourself to the one you love...
i have spoken to many people about this, and majority of the girls i have spoken to have admitted they would be quite upset if they found out there boyfriends did this (however most say they wouldnt break up with there boyfriends), so i am not crazy. And the funny thing is at first the boys i speak to say im an idiot but then i get my point across and then all of a sudden they start saying hey... i kinda see what you mean, i believe if your girlfriend is going to be upset by such a selfish act then why do it?
To the person who said not to set my boyfriend up to lie.
- i did not set him up, he set himself up, i have been completely honest about the way i feel so why cant he to, he knew how i felt from the first few weeks so he should have got out then, or confessed. It really isnt that hard to be honest and loyal, i have been doing it my whole relationship, never told a lie to him ( i mean a serious ones - not white lies like noooo your breath doesnt smelll....=) )
To the people that recommend sexy pictures
- i have now done this, he says he has been using pictures of me often, now i have been nice enough to make an effort even though he has hurt me, time will tell if he is a keeper...
thank you all for your answers once again, it does help
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2009): I know how you feel. I have just began the on-line divorce. Because of my husbands use of porn, putting in credit card numbers, buying books, web cam, live chat, you name it I have seen it on his computer for the past 3 years and I can not take it any more.
I am heart broken, I am loosing my home, just shut down my real esate business 2 weeks ago and struggling terribly.
I am just plain sick because he says he loves me and its not me. He says I am beutiful all time. Every since we met 14 years ago.
We get along great, sex and all. It just unreal. He still just said this morning that he don't want to do this divorce, but he won't stop looking and acting upon porn.
He just keeps telling lies and I keep busting him everytime and then hell is on!
We have been going to marriage counseling thru the VA, from my husbands x-military benefits and they ain't worth a shit. No help at all. Just take this fucking pill. Screw that.
If I was You demand that he stops. If he don't stop, Run. Run like hell. Because it will make You a mad person, trust me.
It only gets worse.
I wish You all the luck in the world.
I don't want to see anyone go thru what I am going thru and what I have already been thru.
I could write a book, because its been going on for a very long time, but I just kept trying to keep my faith in him. But can't no more.
And the last time I caught him jacking off in our living room while I was just in the next room on March 7,09 at
3 am. in the morning to a little teenager, that was it.
I moved out the next day.
I will pray for you. Good luck, I will be thinking of you and your journey with this battle. Believe me, its a battle.
MA-KS
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2009): Your feelings are ok, nobody should ever be lambasted over their feelings. Porn is exactly like mental cheating, I understand totally how you feel. Your boyfriend is having sex with others ...in his mind.
You and your boyfriend need to come to some understanding about this otherwise it WILL wreck your relationship. If he is unable to stop doing this, and no, it is not a necessity to have porn, are you able to compromise? If neither of you can budge, then you need to get out of the relationship and find a man that is agreeable to giving up porn for you.
It is true that most men will look at it, but some men do give it up if it upsets their girlfriends. Others will lie and continue .... all the while hiding it. Which is your boyfriend? You need to find out because you see the truth about this and it would be very hard for you to change the way you feel.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2009): The problem here is you, not him. Most every guy looks at porn every now and then. A lot of women do to the same. It is not a big deal. But you have made it a big deal and that is causing the issue.
You either need to get some help for yourself, to understand that this relatively normal behavior is not a problem or you need to find a new boyfriend who thinks the same way you do and will never look at porn. But there are a lot less of those types of guys out there than you might think.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2009): Buy a video camera and make him some sexy videos. Both problems solved.That may be the easy answer, but you need to realize that he is not watching porn to ONLY fantasize about other women. Because most men are visual, they learn from what they see. Part of the pleasure that he brings you is through exploring what others do and find what might turn him on and turn you on too. Controlling him and making him promise to not watch porn is not a heathly direction for either of you. Men who do not watch porn are the rare exception (I wouldn't trust a man who says that he doesn't watch porn and neither should you). Talk to him about why he is watching it. Perhaps there is something new he would like to try and perhaps both of you will be happier as a result.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2009): If porn is unacceptable to you then you should be with someone that doesn't look at porn and not set your current boyfriend up to lie about it. Most men look at porn and as long as it doesn't hurt your sex life then they don't have an addiction. He's not doing it to you, he's doing it to release tension and he likes looking at the female form. You are taking it so personally and making it like it has something to do with you. Either chill out or get out.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (7 June 2009):
Well it's no wonder he lied to you as he knew you would act like this.
I really think if you are this sensitive to porn use then you are going to have to ask your guys to just hide it really well.
90% of guys will look at porn at some point but if you just accept that and decide that you don't want to know about it then you might find it easier.
Whether you stay with this guy is up to you.
Calm down and take some time to think about whether it's worth losing him over this.
If you decide to stay with him though you have to just forgive and forget this. You can't keep bringing it up and going on about it as it's not fair. Just tell him to be more careful with his computer history from now on and leave it at that.
Good Luck!! xx
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