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*onym
writes:Hi everyone, I am one of the agony aunts and I do hope that I have managed to be of some help to those I have responded to, if not or if so, I am happy to receive criticism or thanks.But I do have a question, I know what advice I would give "me" but I would like some general ideas. I want have these very strong feelings for this man, but the problem is that he is married. Now I know what I would tell someone, and I have myself given you another illustration of a similar sitiuation I was in, and I did nothing about it purely cos he was married and I dont think he felt the same about me, but this time I cant seem to control it, whenever I see him, my eyes are on him, he seems to occupy most of my thinking. Everytime he is near me, I feel "chemistry", I know he has some feelings for me, but its the fact that he is now back with his wife. Its not lust either, its a sort of feeling deeper than most feelings. Its annoying me, I want to tell him, but I know, I shouldnt, if I dont tell him, it will eat away at me every single day I see him, if I do tell him, World War III may start!!! HELP ME! I welcome all your honest advice. xXx Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2006): I am married and have what I would consider an all-too-typical relationship. It has its warts yet both of us place great weight on commitment and trust. We have weathered storms and I am confident that we will weather the storms to come. By storms I *don't* mean temptatations of infidelity, but the more mundane issues that can cause weaker marriages to fail.
I have a close friendship with a woman that has sparked a crisis of conscience. Boundaries have been established and acknowledged by both of us - we don't go near the fence. Except recently I have been curious to see what was on the other side of the fence. I can't see through it from the safety of my half, so I climbed atop the fence. What I saw on the other side was a 600 foot drop to the ground. I also saw what looked like a soft landing area no bigger than a manhole cover.
I risked my relationship with this woman and told her about the fence analogy. It was a calculated risk because over the course of getting to know each other I had determined that the same thoughts (i.e. looking over the fence) had entered her mind, albeit fleetingly. Our friendship has survived the telling of the fence analogy, and after seeing what was on the other side I don't care to climb the fence again.
If you are dying of curiosity, but want to take that calculated risk, then you need more information. Craft statements and questions that will allow you to get into his mind without revealing your intentions for getting into his mind. I wish there some canned questions I could give you but there aren't (as far as I know). Before I asked any questions pertaining to the delicate subject I spent time sorting out my feelings and thoughts so that I wasn't tipping my hand. But as careful as I was, little hints still slipped out so that when I finally told her, she said that she had suspected that I wanted to discuss a heavy topic about our relationship.
I hope my experience has given you some insight to help you with your decision.
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female
reader, willywombat +, writes (2 May 2006):
 It is easy for us to sit here and judge you on the fact you are *in love* with a married man. But I strongly believe you are playing with fire if you tell him. Why voluntarily put yourself in a situation where the chances are you are gonna get badly emotionally hurt? Dont take the risk of him snubbing you as well. How will you feel if he knocks you back and then either 1. tells everyone in work or 2. knocks you back and you then have to face him every day feeling awkward and embarrassed or 3. his wife finds out and comes crashing down on you in work like a tonne of bricks????
Please do not put your emotional well-being at risk. Take a step back. In time these intense feelings WILL fade as they do with all crushes/infatuations sooner or later. Protect yourself and think twice before doing this.
xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2006): Please stay away. Think of the pain you will cause his wife and ultimately yourself. Second best to a man who could be happy to lie to his wife. Protect yourself from sure hurt, you'll only have a bit of him, when he can manage it. She'll cry when she finds out he's betrayed her, months of anguish. and you? you'll have broken a marriage, hurt another human being and spent hours wishing someone had told you it was a mistake. Please protect your heart. No NO NO
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reader, bonym +, writes (2 May 2006):
bonym is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hey guys, thanks for your replies, they are much appreciated. I will of course keep you updated on the situation but in the mean time, thanks for the comments!! Bless you both. xXx
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2006): Speaking from expereince as a married man on the recieving end of these feelings from a close colleague, and really good friend, i can say that he will be very happy for the comlpliment.
However after a couple of days (if he is anything like me), he will almost certainly start to feel guilty about his mixed feelings. And you have said you think he has reciprical feelings it will bw so so hard for him to restrain himself.
I think the best course of action for you to get over him is to follow the advice that i am trying to follow:
Deliberately and consciously make a list of all the things you don't like about her - even if they are tiny, trivial things. Next time you meet her, allow yourself to become more aware of these, let them grab your attention, let them annoy you. The reason this will work is that it is the process by which one falls out of love with someone - and if you do it consciously and deliberately, over a period of several weeks, you will fall out of love with this woman. You may then stay friends with her - but you won't be infatuated.
I know it is very hard for you, but i recomend a lot of deep thinking, about you, him, and his wife's feelings. If you got with him, wouldn't you feel guilty thatyou had commited adultary (sorry for the strong word)? As i said, i know this is a really difficult situation, especailly trying to cope with feelings, that have no mind of their own.
I wish you the best and hope this helps a little bit. Keep us updated, hopefully he won't have to go through what i am trying to deal with.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2006): I say tell him. Don't let it eat away at you. The worse that can happen is that he says he's flattered, but spoken for. At least you can finally get it off your chest. In fact, actually saying it just might give you some form of closure mentally.
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