A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi. So i'm sure this has been discussed countless times, but i still feel the need to get my situation out there and hear your opinions on it...So i have this guy in my life, he's my trainer of sorts, and i see him a couple times a week. He's wayyyyy older than i am (i'' 23, he'/ 56), and married, has grown up kids. His younger son is somewhere round my age. And i'm definitely crushing on him. And i'm very confused. And the weird thing is, it doesn't just feel like a stupid crush, but more like one of these situations when you feel like you know a person in and out without really "knowing" them. He's an amazing person, i feel like he has an old soul (sorry if that sounds stupid, but its the best way to describe it), and he just fascinates me. He's very affectionate towards me, has called me beautiful in casual conversations and is also constantly touching me. He's never been inapropriate in the least, more like putting his arm around my shoulders while explaining something etc. Never rude nor anything. He also trusts me with some of his most important stuff - thats all i want to say- and seems to really care about me, not necessairily in a romantic way. But i also catch him looking at me a lot, like while having drinks in a bar with the team or just when we're in a room together. And i just don't know what to do...Last night we were at a bar with some mutual friends and a song came on, he just came over to me and asked me to dance with him. And we danced and it was a really sweet moment, because it was very genuine and he sang the lyrics of the song into my ear and now i feel like i live in a stupid soap opera. Sorry for ranting. Anyway, does anyone have sinilar experiences?Or Advice?
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female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (23 September 2016):
When I was twenty I had a huge crush on my much older, married, martial arts instructor. I tend to have a thing for older men, and he had the bonus of still being in awesome shape, which to me is like the best of both worlds. Anyway, he once brought me and a couple of other students to this big martial arts convention and we were in the car singing to the same songs, and the entire day, I swear, the chemistry between me and him was electric.
Then the next day, when he offered extra classes for students who want to brush up their technique or just for those who are passionate, he came up to me, looking a bit nervous and told me that he might have been imagining it, but that he felt there was something developing between us. I'm ashamed to admit it but my first internal reaction was HELL YESS HE IS RETURNING MY FEELINGS. But I contained myself and said that he wasn't wrong.
Then he said, and I remember this very clearly: "Look, I'm going to be honest here and admit I'm attracted to you. A man of my age has no business being attracted to someone your age, especially when they're married, but it happens. I wanted to apologize for acting on it by flirting with you. It's not professional and you should always be able to trust the person who is teaching you. It also wasn't fair to my wife or and I'm going to stop doing that and focus on improving my relationship with her."
And then he asked me if I thought I could still come to his classes or if I wanted to be scheduled in with someone else, if I felt uncomfortable.
I told him I would keep my distance and keep it professional. After a while, my crush on him faded, but I grew respect for how he handled the situation.
He taught me a very important lesson that day, which is that attraction can happen to anyone, but in the end, you make a choice. My guy chose his marriage and family. Your guy is choosing to indulge himself and see if he can have you as the side dish.
Let me ask you one thing. If this guy betrays his marriage and everything it stands for for something with someone who could have been his kid, would you think that's sweet or would you think that's a pretty disgusting thing to do? I would lose all respect for the man.
Imagine yourself being not as young as you are now, being married and having your husband cheat on you with a young woman who is the same age as your daughter.
A
male
reader, wherelifewouldtakeus  +, writes (23 September 2016):
 He has fallen for you, this isn't going to end well by any means. you are way to young to get evolve in a gigantic cluster mess like the one about to unfold.
sometimes closeness sparks feelings. There are feelings involved here definitely. Unfortunately this relationship is completely inappropriate on the counts that he is married.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2016): You say that he isn't being inappropriate. I've seen nothing other but him behaving in an inappropriate way. Really? Imagine this from his point of view. He fancies you and he wants something to happen I think. You are the same age as his youngest son. He is putting his arm around you while he explains something. Creepy and inappropriate.He dances with you and sings romantic lyrics into your ear. Creepy and inappropriate. HE KNOWS HE IS BEING INAPPROPRIATE. Luckily for him, you don't seem to see it.Imagine that one day you are married and you have been married a long time. Imagine that you have had children with your husband. Then imagine you find him putting his arm around a young woman who is the same age as your youngest child. Imagine him dancing with her and singing romantic lyrics into her ear. Do you know what? I bet you anything you like, that, in that scenario, you would most definitely be calling that behaviour inappropriate. VERY inappropriate indeed. I say this in the nicest possible way.... PLEASE grow up. PLEASE wake up and smell the coffee. He is playing you and loving every minute. Yes he fancies you. Would maybe even run away with you. I hope to God he doesn't for your sake because in your infatuated befuddled state, you would probably agree. Don't think it would take you long to regret it, especially when a lovely, young woman shows up who finds him fascinating. What a douche he is.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (20 September 2016):
 It really is tough to fall for someone who is married, but please do not go there. I think the best thing that you can do is create distance between you both. He probably loves the idea off being with someone half his age, but he is married and it would be wrong. It would either split a family up or else it would leave you heartbroken if you became the other woman. Am sure that is not what you want. If you create some distance hopefully this crush will disappear, I wish you luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2016): No one can tell you how you must feel; we can only advise you on how to behave. He's married and that makes him unavailable to your advances. He has a wife, and you should put yourself in her place. Think of how you'd feel if some random female is disrespecting your marriage and after your husband. Not to mention she would have every right to bash you should you step out of line and attempt to destroy her marriage.
Crushes are totally innocent, as long as they remain in the fantasy world. If you can't control your feelings, than get out of the situation altogether. Better yet, practice some self-control. It's a lame excuse people give that they can't help themselves. Be that the case, they should outlaw marriage as a legal commitment; and just have a free-for-all.
You sometimes can't help what you feel, but you can control how you behave. When you know there are rules and boundaries. People marry because they've decided they have found the only person they want to be with. Someday you will want this for yourself. What goes around comes around.
Take what doesn't belong to you, and someone will take something you hold precious from you.
Imagine the karma for having an affair with a married-man.
Offering yourself up to be used. Never really having him for yourself. Always wondering if he'd ever leave his wife. Betraying a totally trusting wife who thinks her husband loves her. Destroying a family, which only amounts to satisfying a lust for someone you're off-limits too.
Crush as you please. He's somebody's husband. Respect that, and avoid all the drama. Some women can be totally vicious when it comes to protecting their families and their marriage. Test your luck.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 September 2016):
 "he's married" so sadly no matter how old he is or is not he is OFF LIMITS even if HE wants something he is MARRIED.
There was a time even in very prim and proper society that dancing with a man was nothing more than dancing, and he may be old enough to appreciate that. Maybe he just liked the song?
Some people (like myself) are just very friendly and flirty and mean NOTHING by it. He is my age so I can see it.
You have a mad crush and are setting yourself up for a world of hurt. Do not misinterpret his attentions as anything more than fun and games.... AND make it very clear to him that you RESPECT his MARRIAGE and his WIFE.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2016): Please don't go there.I am in your position. And it has been 3 years. I am in love with him now but he will never leave his wife and family.I am much younger than him. He tells me I am beautiful and sexy all the time. He is obsessed and fascinated by me. I make him feel young, alive and vital. And it is just a matter of time before my precious heart will be broken. He will NEVER be mine. And I always worry he is charming other girls too. These types of men are charmers and they will make you feel special. Like you are the only one. Like the connection you have has never happened before and is like no other. And that you are their soul mate. It is not true. They are looking for sex. An ego boost. Some fun on the side. A new adventure. Something to make them feel good about themselves and their lives. You are a distraction. They will never love you and value you for all the things you are. They are only interested in using you for all the things you can offer them. Please remove the fantasy from your head. You can still walk away. For me it is too late. I too saw the fantasy in the beginning. It swallowed me whole. I felt like we were in our own movie. And was swept away. By him. By the sex. By the promise if it becoming more. By the whole thing. Today it has destroyed my life. Much like an addiction. I struggle with my self esteem everyday. I feel useless. Not good enough. It is so hard having him cut you off when your time is up and rushing back to his real life. You always want more from him. More time. More love. More affection. More emotion. But he can never give it to you. You are chasing a dream. And it only hurts you. Because he will always have everything he wants. Not you. You will be begging for his time. Attention. You will feel like less. Not worthy. He might like you but that is all. And just realize it would be fleeting and you would only be a moment in time. Please save yourself the heart ache sweetie. The fantasy is beautiful. I know. And what a pull it has over us. But we must be real. We must be strong. Do not give in. You will regret it. It will hurt you in ways you never thought possible. Take care of yourself and love yourself enough to want better. Distract yourself with people who care. With your passions. Interests. Courses. Go out with girlfriends. You need to fill whatever void is in your life right now. You are attempting to put a band aid on some problem or emptiness in yourself or life. Do not use this married older man to self medicate. It is terrible having to hit rock bottom. It is hell. Never walk down that path. Not too late to turn around. Sorry for the bluntness but it needs to be said.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2016): This is a bit unclear. Are you crushing on the father or the son?
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (19 September 2016):
Unfortunately, I think this is all summed up to a crush. You do not know this person and this person is already committed to someone else. Truth be told you don't know anything about the guy, all you hear is what you tell yourself. You have a right to say no just as he does. There are a lot of guys around who are single and not committed, what's your excuse?
My advice is that you should turn back now before it is too late. This sort of story is written many times on this site and it never works out in favor of anyone. Your story, will not be any different.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (19 September 2016):
 There's no way he doesn't know it's inappropriate to dance with you and seductively song lyrics into your ear. He's cheating and making moves on you, but you must create space between you. Would you like your future husband doing this to another woman?
You limit your contact to professional only and let the crush fade.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (19 September 2016):
 My advice is to break this romantic infatuation you have by any means because it will lead you to waste most productive, fun and formative years to build a great relationship and trap you into a situation with no future. To break this, you may have to cut out all ties with this man ASAP. While he may have future after an affair with you if he manages to keep it secret from his wife, you on the other hand, will be heart broken and much older facing a shrinking pool of available men of quality with whom you can rebuild yourself. Prevent that from happening in the future by being decisive now.
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