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female
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*otalblamblam
writes: Hi, I've got a problem that has been developing over the past year.I met a man almost exactly a year ago who I 'clicked' with like I haven't done with anybody before. We have the same taste in music, art, everything really. There are a few problems though- I'm 18, he's 44. The age difference doesn't bother us in the slightest as I am very mature for my age. The other thing is that he's married, and although we aren't having an affair I feel as though it could go that way. I don't want to be the girl who broke up a marriage but I think if anything happenned I would be too selfish to resist as I am developing strong feelings for him. I think he is towards me too. Please help- I don't want anyone to get hurt here, needless of all to lose one of my closest friends!thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2005): I used to totally agree with all the answers above until .... one day it happened to me. He had been cheated on by his wife and ever since, they lived together "for the sake of the kids", he was the nicest and most respectful colleague I had ever met, always carrying that sadness over him. Way too old for me as well. But somehow I knew I could trust him, I really did trust him with my heart. Came the day he had to leave the country again, relocating to the other side of the world. It was very hard, thank heaven there was technology to help us stay in touch on a daily basis and here we are .... years later and really together now for the rest of life. I realize very well he will be gone long before me, but we stuck together through good and bad for all these years, and God knows it really has been incredibly hard at times, but it has been worth it and it will be worth it. For good and bad, and in total respect for one another. No lies ever, but only communication. My only advice to you is follow your heart .... but if you decide to go for it, then be sure you are going all the way and that you will never decide to break up the commitment and that this is your choice for lifetime, with no looking back. Make sure you really think this through before causing any irreversible damage.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2005): Young lady, many more will come your way. Take your time to choose. I walked this path before - i dated a married man. It is the worse kind of relationship there ever can be. Please, don't make the same mistake i made.
All the best to you
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2005): I have to be honest and blunt with you. I sure hope you don't allow this to go any further. Good, decent, giving women NEVER mess with another woman's man. If you consider having an affair with this married man, get on your crash helmet and hold onto your heart because you'll be hitting some major bumps on this thrill ride. It will be worse if you sleep with him because suddenly you will become blinded by love (and this will happen), I'll predict you'll be seeing clearly when you're spending the majority of your Saturday nights alone waiting to see if he can sneak out and see you.
We have to remember, he's not going to leave his wife because right now he could have the best of both worlds! The excitement of an affair with you and the security of marriage with his wife and being the wonderful daddy to his kids, is tempting for this guy. And what of the wife and kids? From where I'm sitting here, the big red flag is that, if he pushes for an affair with you, then HE has no concern about the feelings of his wife and kids. How selfish is that of him? What does that tell you about this guy? If this man really has the character you attribute to him, then there is no way in hell, he could bear to do this to his family. The lies, deceit, and maneuvering would tear him apart. You are playing with fire here and please, realize, that the stakes are high. Are you willing to break up a perfectly fine family, create pain, loss and devastation ALL because you may "be too selfish to resist?" Resist, girl...it'll be the most smartest, most human, self-respecting thing you could ever do for yourself. Determine your life priorities and really take a long, hard look at your moral ideals and values. Breaking up a family will not be a proud, honorable moment for you and you will forever have to live with that.
Statistics show, only about 1 percent of married men who have affairs behind their wife's back, actually leave her.
So the chances of him eventually walking away from his wife and family are slim to none. Don't aloow yourself to be used and manipulated..put an end to this. I truly don't want to see you get hurt so do yourself a favor and stop to this friendship, now. You deserve better than putting up with someone else's leftovers. Make the best decision for you...and remember that old saying "once a cheater, always a cheater". He could end up doing this to you someday. And one final sobering thought: any love you find with this man will be forever tainted because something as wonderful & as beautiful as love does not exist side by side with deceit. Take care and I sincerely hope you make the right decision for YOU. Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2005): I don't think you would have posted this question if you were really comfortable with where your association with this man is leading.The first thing that strikes me about your question is that *no one* except teenagers writes, "I'm very mature for my age". Can you picture a 30-year-old in a relationship with a 60-year-old saying "There's a least a generation between us, but I'm a very mature 30"? No, saying you're mature is like claiming to be cool. If you have to claim you are, then it ain't so. This is like the flashing red light that warns "Extremely unbalanced relationship ahead!"Of *course* you're falling for each other... now. You're young, at the peak of your attractiveness and fertility and relatively inexperienced. He's stable, mature, a good provider. Biology says, "Go for it!" All fine, except... In about 10 years you're going to be thinking that you're almost ready for a baby, and he's almost going to be ready for retirement! It can never work out happily in the long run for you both. By all means, be friends if you feel you have so much in common, but don't allow yourself to be alone with him. The inevitable attraction is going to topple one or both of you over, and it will be heartbreak for everyone, particularly his wife.I'm female and 44, by the way, and if I found myself falling for an 18-year-old lad (even a "very mature" one), I'd slap myself silly.
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reader, HappyTimeHarry +, writes (28 August 2005):
If you don't want anyone to get hurt, don't let it become an affair. If you're afraid it will become an affair, remove yourself as much as you need to. You can be friends from a distance, and maybe meet only occaisonally. Even if you do this, you'll be dancing with temptation. You're walking a fine line, and no one is getting hurt now. If you want to step out of this all as painlessly as possible, then just gradually phase yourself out of this guys life via excuses until you're removed without hurting him or risking hurting his family. If it was my friend, I'd probably walk that line, flirting with disaster along the way until it all caved in. I understand if you don't want to lose a close friend. Just keep it platonic, and always remind yourself why.
"All that you need is in your soul" Lynyrd Skynyrd
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female
reader, Anastasia  +, writes (28 August 2005):
 My advice is this...walk away from this now. He is married and no matter what awful things he says about his wife..it does not change that fact that he is married. You are young and I am sure beautiful, there are alot of younger guys than him with your maturity. If you continue ...I guarantee you that you will be woman who broke up the marriage whether you like it or not. And the people who are going to get hurt the most are you and his wife. Just the fact that this flirtation has gone on for a year is not right. He is married. It does not feel good for a wife to find out that her husband has a best friend ...with perky boobs and a nice body. Despite that that is not all to you....that is what she is going to see ...because she is his wife. YOu don't want that to happen. Think of his wife and his family. And think of yourself too..what goes around comes around and you don't want bad karma coming back to haunt you if you allow this to go any further. I know this sounds harsh...and I am sorry but I have been on both ends of this stick and I know all too well the trauma that comes with both sides. As a wife...if is awful and heartwrenching and the outsider side...it made me feel cheap and after his wife found out and I saw her pain...I felt like the most awful human being on earth. If I could have punished myself in someway I would have. You don't want to feel like that. You don't have to take my advice if you don't want to...but I thought I would be honest in answering you and not buffer and cushion anything
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