A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of almost 5.5 years seems to have a problem with the fact I'm close with my family. I have two sisters who I get along with really well, and I also get along with my parents great too. Therefore, I make an effort to see and spend time with all or some of them at least weekly. I am almost 30, and over the past 5/6 years my friends have slowly drifted away. There has been no fall out or anything, it's just that lots of them have their own husbands and children and they rarely want to do much any more. Therefore, aside from my two best friends who I see roughly every month, I see the majority of my friends about twice a year max. My boyfriend is the complete opposite, and he rarely sees his family but sees his friends (drinking buddies mainly) once or twice a week. However, he seems to think that his way is the right way for 'grown ups' and it's ridiculous that I see my family more than friends. He's basically told me that I'm acting like a child who hasn't flown the nest yet! I'm quite insulted by this, and it's awkward as any time we have a family gathering, he huffs and puffs about going to it and makes out like I should have outgrown these type of events by now. I usually end up going alone because he is busy, but my family are a little hurt that he never turns up to anything. My two sisters boyfriends love it and come to everything.Is it really so bad that I view my family as my friends as well? He's making me feel like a socially awkward loser who is hanging around with her parents because I don't have friends of my own.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2014): You just have to decide if, you plan on spending your future with this guy, can you out up with him refusing all family events and scoffing at you when you're perfectly happy ?I would give anything for my family to have meals together once a week - heck even ever again would make my life. I used to be like you and my family were so close, we would all turn up at someone's house and have impromptu get togethers or meals together.Sadly, a massive family rift means that doesn't happen, not everyone talks, it's painful. Friends are great but if you're lucky to have a family you actually genuinely love then nothing compares, they're always there for you.Make the most of them, personally you sound too good for this man. What happens when you have children and want your family round to share that joy, or you want to visit as a family. Is this just one of those occasions where you just grow apart? Who knows, if every other aspect of your relationship is good and you're happy then maybe you can carry on and just accept that it isn't his thing. It's just sad as your sisters bfs and the family all have a great time and he's excluding himself. I just can't reiterate enough how much your should savour your family time - you're very fortunate x
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 October 2014):
 Thank you for detailing, and sorry for having misunderstood.
Then no, seeing that you are so busy after work, and that you DO have other people beside your family members to complete your social landscape, and that you do not exclude on principle making new friends ( like the people at night class ) if you have the chance, then it all sounds pretty normal and balanced to me.
I guess, that , if everything else is fine in your relationship, ... this is one of those things you'll have to agree to disagree, and accept that you won't ever see eye to eye.
As a matter of fact , maybe something that you can use as leverage , or trading coin :) actually. If he totally stops citicizing / commenting negatively your " dependency "
( in his eyes ) from your folks- he is exhonerated from joining any family birthday or anniversary, he won't even be asked ( .. I sort of feel that that would be a lost battle anyway ... )
As for what's the difference between seeing childhood friends every week and seeing family every week, eh well, you do not realize that you are lucky, or luckier than average :).
Friends make family of the heart and of the mind - you CHOSE them, you cherrypicked them precisely because , for one reason or the other , it always feels good being around them, and you never, or very seldom, get tired .
Family members make a family of the blood, you just get what you get , and , quite often, you DO love them ( sadly, that's not a given either )... but loving someone to bits does not necessarily mean understanding them or enjoying their company or having fun with them.
Your birth family could even be people you'd die for- nevertheless not necessarily they fulfill your needs in terms of companionship / socialization.
That's a very , very common situation, particularly when there's a generation gap.
Maybe your bf can't wrap his head around the fact that you spend regular time with your relatives ... just because you genuinely like them a lot, no further motivation ( as it would be habit, respect, compassion, guilt, insecurity, social awkwardness etc. ) Because, your situation , without being totally exceptional....is far from a given, believe me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Cindy for your response.
I guess maybe I've not explained myself too well. I don't only see my family socially at all. I also see my two very best friends every couple of weeks/ every month at least. We speak daily but work and location makes it harder to meet up that much. It is my extended group of friends (from school/uni - similar to the group of people he sees regularly) that has drifted apart. I also go out roughly once per week with my work colleagues, who I get on really well with but I wouldn't class them as good friends as such. Not yet anyway. And I am also competing a postgraduate degree at night school, so there are those people too, but I've only newly started that so those friendships have not properly developed yet.
My boyfriend's issue isn't that I don't have any friends, or that I expect him to accompany me to see my family every week (I usually go when he is at the pub with his mates), it's that he thinks I'm childish for WANTING to spend time with my family regularly. I only ask him/expect him to attend 'events' (birthdays etc) every once in a while, but he still won't go as he doesn't understand why those things matter to me.
I fully understand that he's not a family person, and I don't expect him to change, but what I don't like is the judgement I get from him because my social life is different to his. I am busy with friends/activities roughly 3 nights per week. The rest I see him or spend some time on my own/study, and that's enough for me.
He seems to think I should cut back on seeing my family and actively seek out new friends as in his opinion it's not healthy to see them for lunch or dinner once per week, whereas I'm happy with the situation and just wish he'd accept that and at least try to attend some of the bigger events.
Maybe it's much more of an unusual situation than I think, but I don't believe that seeing my family every week is any different to him meeting his childhood friends every Friday and Saturday night...
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (1 October 2014):
What about .. something in between ?. Half family , half friends ?
I think it's fantastic that you are so close to your family , and that you all get along so well and enjoy each other's company. It's even enviable ! Maybe your bf's family is the kind of family... which give no joy to its members, so to stay in speaking terms they have to take each other in small doses. So he won't even understand where you are coming from, and in a way, that's a bit sad.
But, in a way, I sort of see where he is coming from too... I mean, family only ( or,90% of the times ) ? Isn't it a bit insular, limited, cramping ?...
Don't you know all about each other and each other 's pasts, likes , dislikes, preferences and quirks ?... Is that enough ?..
I don't know, man is a social animal. And variety is the spice of life. I think one of the best blessings in life is finding people that's DIFFERENT from you, that can teach you / show you / tell you / learn from you new things, and new thoughts, and new interests which you would not know without them- and you still you feel close to them even of they come from different places, backgrounds, social class, experiences- different LIVES from the one you lived , and live , within your family.
Don't you ever feel you ALSO want to branch out a bit ? don't you ever get tired of, say, repeating old family jokes, or talking about your relatives and their daily business ? Isn't every Sunday pretty much just as the one before and the one after ?...
Sure, ritual and tradition is comforting, reassuring, protective. It gives you strength, it makes a warm, pleasant cocoon around you.
But, to tell you the honest truth, although I repeat , in a world of feuding, dysfunctional families, probably you only have to be praised and envied- yeah, I find it a little bit strange too that that's ENOUGH, that's all you crave and need as company.
Now, old friends may drift apart because of contingencies or life choices or.... just because, but you can always make new friends. There's always room for MORE people with compatible mindsets, for MORE kindred spirits. It's a big enrichment of any life, I think, so ... don't be lazy and do not give up seeking them out , just because you are comfy at home :)
( And no, IMO, if you see your " friends " twice a year- then they aren't even friends, they are social acquaintances. Unless they live in other countries/ continents, of course ).
As for your bf, do not presure him if he does not want to join your family reunions. It's not his thing and he made it very clear. That does not make it a mean guy, just someone who has different social habits than you.
Plus, if you think that your parents and sisters and their boyfriends are great company and a barrel of laughs... well, do not feel offended ( nor surprised ) if your bf might not feel exactly the same. I mean, YOU find them interesting or entertaining - maybe your bf does not , maybe you are the only one of the family he likes. Everybody has different tastes in re. to people. The fact he does not have fun around them does not mean that he hates them or disrespect them or looks down on them. He just has other people whom he feels happier being with.
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