A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My bf and I have been dating for almost 2 years. Before we dated, we were best friends and we shared the same group of friends. But when we started dating, our friends became resentful because my bf would spend a lot of time with me. I ended up losing all those friends but they still loved my bf. For a while he stopped being friends with that group of guys because of how I felt and how they talked about/treated me. Recently I got a text from one of the guys who treated me terribly, he apologized and said that he missed my boyfriend and wanted to hang out with him. My bf and I had a very long conversation about it and he revealed to me that he pretty much felt trapped, that he felt bad that he had to ditch his friends to make me feel better. I told him that he should go hang out with his friends, but he insisted that he would not become friends with them again unless they included me. Now, I know they would never want me around again, but I feel bad that my bf has lost friends because of me. So today when he was about to come over, I lied to him and told him that I was going to visit some family for the day, (so he could be with his friends). I just feel terrible because he has made me so dependent upon him for everything. I also lost a lot of girlfriends because they got into drinking and drugs and I didn't want to be around that, so I pretty much only have him.I know it's selfish of me to say this, but I'm becoming resentful towards him for having so many friends that he can't keep up with them all.. he's so popular that he feels bad when he can't keep everyone happy..I don't have anyone, and he makes me feel bad that he has to spend so much time on me. He said he didn't know what the right answer was, because if he is with me, other people are mad, and if he's with them, i'm upset. I try my best not to get upset, but it's hard when the person you're supposed to depend on isn't there. I mean, when/if we were to get married and have kids, he'd never be home so that he could please everyone else.. I want him to have friends even if I can't, because one of us deserves to be happy. I just wish i had someone to talk to that understood where I was coming from, that I had to sacrifice a lot to be in this relationship, including a relationship with my grandmother. I just don't know what I'm doing... I love him and he's a wonderful to me, but he doesn't quite understand why I get so lonely. Am I being selfish by wanting him to be with me?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2011): You should develop your own network of social contacts so he's not the only friend or relationship in your life. if it's just you and him, in the beginning this may sound romantic but over time you'll end up getting sick of each other and get on each other's nerves. if you have your own separate lives, then when you are spending time together you both have new things to talk about and keep up with which keeps things fresh.from your posting it's not clear to me if you're the one smothering him or he's the one smothering you. He's the one giving up friends, but you also talk of sacrificing a lot to be in this relationship. it does sound like both of you are starting to feel smotheredmaybe it's both of you who need to take a step back from each other.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2011): A few of your sentences stand out to me:"I don't have anyone, and he makes me feel bad that he has to spend so much time on me. ""I just feel terrible because he has made me so dependent upon him for everything. ""I try my best not to get upset, but it's hard when the person you're supposed to depend on isn't there. ""I had to sacrifice a lot to be in this relationship,"First of all, you're not supposed to be depending on him. You are an adult, not a child and he's not your parent. You need to be more independent. you need to find your own friends and have a life of your own. Too many times people use romantic relationships as emotional crutches to avoid dealing with their own personal issues, or expecting their partners to make things better for them. This makes for an unhealthy relationship because it wears down the other partner eventually. And then you're back to square one which is your core issues are still there but now your partner is no longer able to solve them for you so you're back to being distressed. It sounds like your issue is a lack of fulfilling relationships. whether it's from communication weaknesses or shyness or social anxiety, you need to find out what it is in you that makes it so that you don't have friends of your own. You shouldn't be looking to your boyfriend to fulfill ALL your emotional needs - to be your only social and emotional outlet.Also you say that HE made YOU dependent on him. How is this his fault if you're the one who's clinging to him and he's the one having to give up his friends so as to not upset you? You say you sacrificed a lot to be in this relationship. Maybe you shouldn't have sacrificed so much if it makes you feel that therefore this relationship has to be your entire life in order to be "worth" the sacrifice?It sounds like you're making your world revolve around your relationship and one person i.e. your boyfriend. This is unhealthy. A balanced person draws happiness and emotional well-being from many sources in life - many different relationships with friends and family, hobbies and other interests and passions or worthy causes, work or career..a romantic relationship is just one of those things that enhances your life. It should not be the one and ONLY thing you've got going for you or your world will collapse. that's way too much responsibility to put on any one person (i.e. your boyfriend) and not realistic. No person can live up to such pressure and will fail you eventually.You need to be more emotionally independent or else you will smother him and choke the life out of him and he'll end up resenting you (and resentment is a big killer of love) and the more he resents you the more you will feel abandoned and thus the more distressed you'll feel.At the end of the day, we are all responsible for our own emotional health. We all have our own baggage, it's our responsibility to work on our issues and not expect our partners to take care of our baggage for us. Don't make someone else responsible for your mental/emotional health, that's unfair to them and there's no way they can keep up over the long term.get out there and learn to make new friends of your own and forge an identity of your own that doesn't include being part of a couple, and you'll find yourself feeling much more stable and happy and your relationship will ease up and you'll be able to just enjoy each other's company more without the pressure.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2011): I understand how you feel, my boyfriend has also made me feel dependent on him. I honestly think it was a power issues because it was his only way to control me. However, if I must be honest in this subject I do have to admit that I was also guilty of letting me become this way. I gave him that control be I subconsciously felt more secure and protected in this role.As time passes now, we've been together for 4 years, I am starting to resent him. I realise now that feelings change as the years go by and partners become less dedicated and motivated to please you and be around you. He also has more friends than I do and sometimes I would resent that because he would basically use me as a scapegoat for why he couldn't see them as much. They ended up blaming me for not seeing him as much. Only did I realise while he had gone on exchange how better things were, because I was forced to fend for myself. I started putting more effort into talking to people and meeting new people.It started to feel quite good and self rewarding.I think you should distance yourself a little bit because being so close to someone can make you lose your identity and could be disastrous if/when things start to go sour.So put more effort in planning activities, see him less. I hope things work out for you
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