A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone I’m in a situation and I don’t know what to do so I’m hoping for some good advice I’m in a relationship now for 6 years the past year or so he has made me feel worthless like I’m not good enough for him he makes no effort with how he looks he walks about with his trainers hanging off his feet holes in his clothes he gets s hair cut every 6 months whereas I dress nice hair and make up always done I’m only slim always wear perfume and deodorant he constantly stares at other women in front of me never makes any time for me anymore sits looking at porn on his phone on a night sleeps downstairs on a sofa bed we have sex once every 2 weeks and it’s boring I don’t know what to do I feel so down and fed up any advice greatly appreciated thank you
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2018): Leave him and feel the weight lifted off your shoulders.Get help before you date again for your self esteem issue.Also so you do not repeat the same mistake twice.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2018): If he ever loved you,now he doesnt anymore. He thinks watching porn and wanking to it is more pleasurable than making love to you. He is depressed so he doesnt take care of himself. If you leave him he wouldnt care less. Now the big question is do you want to waste the best years of your life with him? I hope not.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (4 October 2018):
 If you have spoken to him and told him you are unhappy with how things are and he is still not doing anything to change, then you have to realize there are two people in this relationship but you only have the power to change ONE of them - and that is YOU.
Why are you putting up with being treated so casually? People can only treat us as we ALLOW them to treat us. Why SHOULD he change if you put up with him being as he is?
Tell him what needs to change and how (be specific as many people do not understand a general "I am not happy" or "You need to treat me better". Tell him "I want us to share a bed" or "I want you to stop eyeing up other women in front of me" or whatever specific things you want. It is HIS choice then to either change or risk losing you, just as it is YOUR choice to stay or show you value yourself enough to know you deserve better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2018): [EDIT]
Corrections:
"Did you walk into your house one-day, and he was just there; so you decided to keep him out of pity?"
"You're a peach, who has cast her pearls before swine!"
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2018): You have described a bum, or a poor homeless man. Is he gainfully-employed? How does he getaway with bi-annual haircuts? In six-months, my hair is practically down past my shoulders!!! Does he shave and shower? Did you walk into you house one-day, and he was just there; so you decided to keep him out of pity?
He watches porn and sleeps downstairs, rather than with you.
He blatantly and shamelessly sits there, in full view. Watching porn?
You do realize you're just a roommate with benefits, don't you?
Oh, sweetheart, please read your post back to yourself. Twice, no...three times!
Read it aloud. Now think!!!
Why have you been with this guy for the last six years? You've come to DC for advice. I think you've anticipated what most of our answers would be like. Now, you've been let-down and put-down enough; so you're not going to get that from me. I shoot from the hip; so I won't sugarcoat my response either.
HOWEVER...Girlfriend, what is wrong with you??? This is where I'd place my hands on your shoulders, and stare dead-straight into your eyeballs!
Do you think there is going to be some mystical supernatural incantation we can give you; that you can speak over your boyfriend to magically-transform him from a bum into a decent respectful loving-man? That happens only in fairy-tales. You're in a nightmare!
I can offer you two words that should make him disappear.
GET OUT!!!
You can also add the F-word in the middle, for a more dramatic flair!
I think what you want is for someone to tell you to leave your boyfriend. Then you're going to gather a little nerve, turnaround, and talk yourself out of it. Like you've done over and over, the past miserable six years. You probably lose your nerve, fearing the prospect of being alone.
Do think having a lousy bum for a boyfriend is better than having no man at all? You can do bad all by yourself, sister!
Who told you that you couldn't do better? Did he tell you that?
Did you fall-down doubled-over in hysterical-laughter? Did you pee your pants a little-bit?
Gosh, I hope so!
Never stop making yourself presentable and lovely. You should always do that; because that's your style, and normal beauty-routine. You have class. You're a respectable woman, and you look nice all the time. He knows you're passive, inhumanly-tolerant, and very insecure. Your peach, who has cast her pearls before swine!
He can pretty much rule over the roost, and walk all over you. You'll just cower or weep a little; but do nothing about it. I can hear the clock ticking!
Your self-esteem has been trampled on by a sloppy mop-headed douche-bag showing his butt-crack. With heel-holes worn in his pants. He's boring in bed, and sits there pig-watching disgusting porn; while you put-up with it. I guess, because you don't have the nerve to kick him out. Vomit much?
The usual response is: "But I love him!" What can we say to that?
I would speculate he eats a lot of junk food, downs six packs of beer, leaves a mess around the house, doesn't help with chores; and you probably pay all, or most of the bills! You don't have a clue how to go about getting somebody like him out of your house. Please, don't cry. That's not my objective here.
Ask him to leave; or you leave. If he moved-in with you; you've got rights.
You get the biggest brutes in your family together, and you have them come-over to help you pack his things. While he's out. If the house is yours, or he doesn't have his name on the lease; you can have your brute body-guards hand him his bags, and escort him off the premises. Have them comeback to check on you for a few weeks. Get permission from the landlord to have your locks changed.
Inform your landlord that your boyfriend has been asked to leave. He is only allowed to comeback to get the remainder of his belongings.
If you feel the least-bit intimidated; get an order of protection from the police, and call them every-time he shows-up.
Or...you can read on and ponder over all the responses until you find one you like.
Don't compare yourself to sleazy porn actresses; when you have a boyfriend who fits the description you gave in your post. He's no prize. He's seems more like a curse!
Why you would even care that he looks at other women? Boggles the mind. For sure, they ain't looking back!
He's given you more than enough reason to breakup with him. I know you know better than to have any notion that you can "change him." No one here can advise you to do anything; but to get him out of your life. You will do that eventually.
I will say this. It's good that you're fed-up. Once you reach the last straw; you'll find the nerve, and he won't believe it. You'll catapult his bum to Scotland! You won't feel the least sorry for it!
I'm not making light of your predicament. A smile and some sound advice may do you good. I hope!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2018): I disagree with FA . Sure you can choose to think what you like but the abused could also chose to think the abuser loves them , the neglected can choose to think the one neglecting them cares but never learnt how to give attention, etc etc
At some point men have to take responsibility for the messages they send to their partners when they constantly ogle other women , view porn and get lazy with relationships
Long gone are the days when women were one hundred percent responsibilible for holding relationships together . Women have choices and power today and men are expected to put in Just as much work as us
You need to sit him down and be very very explicitl in what the issues are , give him one day to start making changes ( note I said start , not change completely , that may take a while ) if he doesn't want to put any effort into making you feel like he desires you and wants to be there he needs to hit the road and be single so you can meet someone who does.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2018): You should have a conversation with him and tell him exactly how you feel and what is bothering you. If he doesn't make an effort to hear you out and try to improve his behavior toward you and himself (take care of his appearance), then you should seriously consider that it's time to end this relationship.
Staring at other women is disrespectful to you and there is no reason why you would continue to put up with that. It also sounds as if he's addicted to porn and, like any addiction, this will not be an easy habit to break. Personally, I would I'd walk or show him the door.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (3 October 2018):
 I have some serious advice for you. It is very important, but it is going to sound harsh. So I hope you read through it without getting too offended. I'm not attacking you. I'm not excusing his poor behavior. I'm really trying to help you through this.
No one can make you feel. You choose how you feel. Now logically speaking, you know that you are a way better girlfriend than he deserves, but you allow his poor behavior to make you feel worthless. You need to actively reject those feelings.
examples:
If he is looking at porn you could think He thinks they are prettier than me or you could chose to think. He's too lazy to have great sex with me, he'd rather click and go.
He dresses poorly, you could think I'm not good enough for him to dress up. Or you could think, I'm not going to be seen with such a slob. I'll tell him to put on clean clothes.
He looks at another woman, you could think he likes her more, or you could think, He is actively choosing to be with me.
These are little thought exercises you can do to help your self perception. After all you know you are pretty great, why trust his perceptions?
a final note:
Your relationship is not in a good place. There are other things you can do to work on other problems. But to stick to your question, I'll leave it at this.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2018): Yes, you're in a situation, but not in a relationship!
Quietly make a plan to move out and then do it. Or surprise him one day when he comes home to find the locks changed and his stuff on the sidewalk. Or something in between. But say goodbye to him.
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