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female
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anonymous
writes: After dating pretty seriously for a year, when both people think highly of one another and are (allegedly) still in love, but there are (allegedly) circumstantial factors that make the relationship impossible, can they go to being just friends? Should they?My bf broke up with me for reasons that sound so ridiculous that I wonder whether he even really knows why he wanted to break up, since it'd be really unlike him to lie about something, and if he were going to lie, you'd think he'd come up with something less bizarre. Since the break up almost a month ago, he's wanted to get back together at least once - a sentiment that lasted approximately one day before he got upset again. And there've been a couple of days where he sent angry 'stay away from me, you're ruining my life' emails, when he was really upset, honestly, for reasons I'm not sure really have anything to do with me. Now, he wants to stay friends. He went way over the top last weekend, to the point that the email couldn't be considered offensive because it was just too ridiculous to be taken seriously. I mean - the guy lost it. (He thought (wrongly) that I'd started seeing someone new already without telling him, even though I'd told him that since we'll see alot of each other whether we like it or not, I'd rather not hear about his new relationships from a third party and would prefer he just tell me himself.) The next day, he felt like a complete jerk; he asked to see me so he could apologize in person, and I know him well enough to know that he felt really terrible. He didn't know what happened - he'd never known he was capable of being like that, and he felt almost like he didn't recognize who it was that had been so uncontrollably emotional.He doesn't have anyone to talk to, though I know he needs it. He's got a lot of issues that have nothing to do with me, though some of them are tangentially related to me. He wants us to be friends, I think partly b/c he feels like he needs me.What do I do? I care about the guy a lot. After this weekend's display, I dont want to date him, even though I still have feelings for him and am very attracted to him. (It was just so over the top.) And I like spending time with him - we have fun together and we understand each other; we've always been great friends. But is it healthy? Can you really go from dating seriously to being 'best friends who do practically everything together but aren't dating only b/c they never make out or hook up, despite all the obvious sexual tension between them' in less than a month? (ps - for what it's worth, we're both in our 20s)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2006): It sounds to me like you have a clear perspective on things, but I'm not so sure about your ex. Some things that concern me are the hate emails (which are laced with blame for you ruining his life), the erratic over the top display over the weekend, and his off and on again need for you in his life. If you and your ex have always been great friends, then what was discussed before you plunged into a relationship, therefore taking your friendship to a completely different level? So, to try and answer your question, I don't see it as impossible for friends who take it to the dating level to get back to being friends. It will depend on how good of friends you really were, his reasons for wanting to maintain any relationship with you now, and most importantly it will depend on what you want. Do you see yourself being able to date and maintain a seperate life aside from being his friend again? He has already dumped you for crazy reasons, sent hate emails, and has confused a statement made to him to mean something untrue about you. I would take a long look at everything before making my decision. I think you would be better off not being friends for awhile, at least until you feel confident enough that he does honestly want to be your friend again and the crazyness revolving around your relationship has become something that is easily talked about by both of you.
A
female
reader, charlie432 +, writes (9 February 2006):
you can be friends. me and my bf of 2 years broke up a few months ago, 4 months ago I think. after the initial "i never want to speak to you again" arguments, and all of the other things we said, we are now best of mates, we totally understand each, and where we went wrong before, and we know that the relationship can't work again, so we've accepted it and moved on. he has a new gf, i have a new bf, and we all go out together. I don't like to see him and his new gf kissing mind! but i'll get over it. i'd prefer to have him as a friend than not at all. so it is possible, if you can be friends, go for it, don't think of your time together as wasted! charlie x
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