A
female
age
30-35,
*y problem
writes:i am 21 i we've been in relation for around 8 months...he loves me so much...we were very happy ...and he told me many times that he watch porn i didnt care because it didnt show any change in our relationship...recently i saw him watching nude pics of other girls and watching videos of nude girls....i am feeling very insecure about this...and he lost interest in me i feel...but he loves me that i know....i tried stopping him from watching that...then he got very angry on me and said he wont talk to me at all...later he was fine..and now i am getting hurt and depressed i asked him to stop that for me...he said he cant stop that ....what should i do???i love him loads...every time i satisfy him i never expect him to satisfy me...even he didn't show any interest in doing so...i didnt bother...i m not even worried about my pleasure ...i want him to stop
View related questions:
depressed, insecure, porn Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, badbunny23  +, writes (16 May 2013):
Dear *y problem, Allow me to start of by saying that I am truly sorry you have to go through this in your relationship. You, like countless others, are facing one of the most ominous modern day “beasts” we have uprising in our world today. It's been stated that an approximated “seventy percent of men ranging from eighteen to thirty four watch porn at least once a month” (Chicago Tribune, Oprah Show). This growing form of a pandemic tends to uproot and destroy relationships through not only the disintegration of trust between both sides but also through the break down of any boundaries and allotted faithfulness. It outwardly demonstrates the deep seated obsession in the user for his/her need of constant sexual fulfillment to where it almost consumes every part of their person collectively. Men especially struggle with this subject because of their natural wiring for strong physical needs. Although it is commonly seen in every day life, trying to fix and almost control an addict is near impossible which is why I would like to offer you advice. In order to try to attempt to solve the problem I would recommend really taking the time to share your true feelings about it with your partner, present free help, and approaching him calmly. Though you may love someone, trying to almost fix them or gain control of an aspect in their life isn’t always the best way to go about a situation because they are an addict and porn to them is almost their “drug” (SRI-sexual recovery institute, Pornography Addiction). Addicts over time build a mentality toward their addiction as something they come to rely on that they cant live without. Because of this, they tend to react with great hostility (just as your boyfriend did according to you when you stated, “I tried stopping him from watching that...then he got very angry on me and said he wont talk to me at all.”) feeling you are almost threatening something they have convinced themselves that they need. The person you are trying to communicate with may feel you are trying to control them hence leading to an agitated response. Granted being in a relationship with an addict is emotionally taxing, extremely stressful, and also very painful since it tends to become an, “explosive issue” (Featherstone 82) with the persons involved destroying intimacy, relation, and genuine connection; but for the best outcome, avoiding trying to remove a persons imperfections is the best way to go about the problem. Regardless, you can strive to overcome these hard times through sharing your true feelings about it with your partner, present free help, and approaching him calmly. The easiest solution is finding free institutions (etc.) that offer help. “SRI” or the Sexual Recovery Institute is a very large corporation that has plenty of resources addicts can turn to in order to get better. Two of their most successful solutions they provide are their “12 Step Programs” and live chats (SRI-sexual recovery institute, Pornography Addiction). Presenting your partner with these will be extremely affective due to the fact that some of the worst cases of pornography addiction witnessed were slowly cured through “SRI”. Also it will give your boyfriend a sense of security because every live chat and many steps in the twelve-step program are confidential unless the persons permission is given otherwise. If you prefer leading with a more personal approach then going to your partner calmly and sharing your feelings in detail is also extremely affective as long as you avoid any sort of abrasive or harsh responses. This will show them you care and have their best interests at heart. In closing, after you share your true feelings about it with your partner, present free help, and approach him calmly, I think there is always that possibility in my opinion that he could remain the same by choice while ignoring all the steps you have made to help. Unfortunately if this is the case I would recommend considering ending the relationship altogether. Although this is a hard and scary thing to do, it might take a step like that to show him how serious it is for him to choose either losing you or ending his addiction. If you choose to continue to be with someone that is willing to hurt you over his own selfish tendencies then you will come out being the only one damaged and torn apart. Nothing is worth letting someone use you as a door mat and disregard your feelings when you can find someone that would treasure you and hold you above himself. It is also very possible that the best-case scenario comes out of taking my advice. You could soon have a healthy and happy relationship where the problem is removed causing you both to grow even closer. Whatever the outcome, I just wish you the best and ask you to take care of yourself. You are precious the way you were made and any guy will be lucky to have you.I Hope it all Goes well!Resources-www.sexualrecovery.com/pornography-addiction.phpSRI contact # 888-619-6731
A
female
reader, spreadinglove4u +, writes (16 May 2013):
Dear my problem, Many of us have problems in our relationships, nobody is perfect. I repeat, nobody is perfect. I think it is a great thing that your boyfriend is able to tell you that he watches porn. I know that was not easy for him to do. Your boyfriends battle with pornography is a battle many fight in fact, “70% of men 18-24 watch porn monthly.” (unitedfamiliesinternational.wordpress.com) You mention you have become insecure about him looking at naked women, please know even the women that your boyfriend is looking at on the computer are not perfect. The men and women in the porn industry are also insecure and have their own problems.We all have strengths and weaknesses. I fear you love for your boyfriend has caused stress and depression in your own life by your own choice. I would like to share this definition of love with you “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment”( 1 John 4:18). You are feeling "insecure" and "depressed" and I believe this has been formed because you are very eager to please your boyfriend.It is not our job to "fix" people and their problems, it is our job to love them. But in order to love others, we must love ourselves. It is hard for me to find in this letter where you mention any love or concerns for yourself. I want to help you and I hope I can.Pornography destroys many homes every single day. It is an addiction for some and they fight everyday. It sounds like you care more if you're boyfriend stops, then he does. I say this gently and lovingly, stop trying to make him stop. “Every second 28,258 users are viewing porn” (unitedfamiliesinternational.wordpress.com ). Your boyfriend is not the only one who has fallen into the trap of this addiction. Have you attempted to find out what void he has in his life? A reason why your boyfriend has lost focused on you may be because “many men [who] become addicted to pornography lose their freedom. They feel trapped, out of control, and in despair.” ( Kastleman 1) I encourage you to find out why his viewing of pornography have affected the way he treats you. What addiction or struggles do you have in your own life that prevent you from loving yourself? Does your boyfriend bring out the best in you? If your answer is no, then I ask you to take sometime to decide if he should still be in your life. "He lost interest in me i feel" does your boyfriend make you feel beautiful for who you are? Healing is available for you, only if you want it. You have choices and you are not alone. If necessary, are you willing to leave this man to focus on taking care of yourself? If your answer is yes, know that this will not be easy but you will be closer to loving yourself. A step towards loving yourself can be surrounding yourself with family, and friends who will lift you up higher with honesty, love, and encouragement.If you are unable to leave him you must communicate what is on your heart. His actions are negatively affecting your soul and spirit. If he does not show growth in his life and in your relationship together then I fear you will remain where you are. Your boyfriend may also need help and it also available for him. I don't know about his background but I encourage you to find out so that he may also heal. With great love, Diana
...............................
A
female
reader, Three-pipe-problem +, writes (15 May 2013):
Dear *y problem,Of course, I am sorry that you are going through this. You need to know that you aren't alone; lots of couples today have problems with their partners watching porn. In fact, “huge numbers of divorce lawyers report that pornography is a big issue in divorce these days, which it never was before the advent of the internet” (McMahon 1). It can cause a lot of friction between couples and eradicate trust and boundaries. I would like to offer you some advice as someone who has lived with a person who was also dealing with addiction. You can help him to seek treatment and hopefully save your relationship by “get[ing] help for yourself first” (Hartney 1), approaching him in a non-threatening way, communicating, and rebuilding trust. Unfortunately, just telling him to stop, although you might have his best interests at heart, isn’t going to work because most addicts don’t want to stop, nor do they respond well to being told to stop. On the contrary, they might see it as criticism, nagging, or that someone is trying to control them. In fact, this may lead to their engaging in even more addictive behavior. Perhaps, understanding that addiction is usually a form of stress relief can give perspective on why more stress can act as a trigger that makes addicts want to give in to their compulsions. Being in a relationship with an addict can also be stressful on the addicts’ partner because, as Liza Featherstone writes in her article titled “You, Me, And PORN Make Three”, “porn-gazing-whether chronic or casual-can become an explosive issue for a couple, corroding intimacy and demolishing the sexual connection” (Featherstone 82). Never the less, you can persevere by “get[ing] help for yourself first” (Hartney 1), approaching him in a non-threatening way, communicating, and rebuilding trust. Surely, you need to “get help for yourself first” (Hartney 1), as stated in Elizabeth Hartney’s Article entitled “How to Help Addicts”. I think it’s truly a great thing that you realize that help is needed with this problem, but you may need more support than just some help that comes in the form of advice. Counselling can help you to deal with his addiction on a day-to-day basis. Addictions are not cured, addictions are treated, and the treatment doesn’t happen overnight; treating addiction takes time, patience, and a lot of help. Certainly, approaching him in a non-threatening way, e.g., not yelling, not name calling, and not belittling him, will increase the likelihood that he will be open to listening to what you have to say. Furthermore, he will be more willing to establish a line of communication if he doesn’t feel like he is being attacked or that he needs to be on the defensive. Communication is paramount because, as Regan McMahon’s writes in the article, “Porn addiction destroys relationships, lives”, ‘we are always on computers and it’s always available’, so keeping an ongoing dialog with someone will help him stay accountable for his actions. Lastly, rebuilding trust in both directions will be needed because relationships are built on trust and it isn’t healthy for you to feel that you have to police your partner.All in all, if after “get[ing] help for yourself first” (Hartney 1), approaching him in a non-threatening way, communicating, and rebuilding trust, you still find that he is still unwilling to deal with his addiction, I foresee that you might need to consider ending the relationship. As much as it may hurt, if he realizes that he stands to lose you and that there could be consequences for his continued abuse of porn, he might be more receptive to hearing that he has a problem and that it is causing you pain. Likewise, if you choose to continue on the same path without making any changes, there won’t be any incentive for him to want to change. On the other hand, having followed my advice, you might experience a healthier and equally enjoyed relationship in the future. Through better understanding of his addiction, willingness on both your parts, and with counseling for your support of his treatment, you can start down the road toward his recovery with the tools necessary for you to both combat his addiction. Being prepared with the necessary tools can make the difference between victory over the battles fought in the war against his addiction or surrendering to it without being armed.I wish you all the best! Works CitedRegan McMahon, Porn addiction destroys relationships, lives Liza Featherstone, You, Me, And PORN Make ThreeElizabeth Hartney, How to Support Someone with an Addiction
...............................
A
female
reader, pariscat +, writes (15 May 2013):
Dear *y problem, I’m sorry to read that you are having a difficult time in your relationship with your boyfriend. In your letter you wrote that you and your boyfriend love each other, and that‘s great. I understand how in love you can be with someone in just eight months. You wrote that the conflict in your relationship is that he watches porn, and that he won’t stop. In your letter you said that he actually told you that he watched porn, and that you didn’t care. The problem seems to have started after you actually saw your boyfriend in the act of watching porn. You wrote that you became insecure. It may have felt like he was cheating on you. Please keep in mind that those pictures are airbrushed and that those women are paid to create a fantasy. It’s not reality and no woman can compete with those fantasy images. It seems that you want to please your boyfriend even though he has lost any interest in pleasing you. You wrote that you have asked your boyfriend to stop watching porn but he has said that he can’t stop. It doesn’t seem to be an issue of him hiding the fact that he watches porn. He was up front with you about it. The issue seems to be that he can’t stop. Your boyfriend may need help in dealing with his inability to stop watching porn. It also seems that he takes his anger out on you which causes you to become depressed. Because you love your boyfriend, I’m sure that you want to help him. Before you can help your boyfriend you need to become strong and take care of yourself. The key phrase that caught my attention in your letter was “we were very happy.” Your relationship seems like it has caused you to become unhappy, insecure, depressed, and ignored. It seems that you are trying very hard to keep your boyfriend happy, but you are no longer happy yourself. Sometimes we can be so in love with someone that we will do anything or put up with anything just to be with them. We can end up doing things completely out of character and lose our own identity and happiness. Your boyfriend may have deeper issues that you are unaware of that keep him from not being able to stop. He needs to deal with his issues when he is ready to face them. You need to deal with your issues in order to reclaim your happiness. Finding your happiness and taking your life back may take time. First, you need to take a step back and look at your relationship with your boyfriend. Ask yourself when was the last time that you felt safe and happy with him? Ask yourself is this the way that you want to be treated in an ongoing relationship? Encourage him to get some counseling. It is ultimately his choice and you can’t force him. If you can, get counseling for yourself. Know that you are worthy of being respected in a relationship. You are worth the time and investment of getting help for your insecurities and depression that this relationship has caused you. As you seek advice from a counselor, it may encourage your boyfriend to do the same. But if he doesn’t move forward with you to create a positive change in your relationship, remember to just keep moving forward. It may mean that you have to end the relationship, but your wholeness and happiness are what’s important. You’re worth it! It will empower you to be your best and expect the best in your next relationship. Internet resources are a good way to connect to self help quickly. Just reading some information is a step in a positive direction. Two sources that may be of help to you are: Nancy Traver’s counseling site www.nancyscounselingcorner.com and www.healthyplace.com. Peace, Pariscat
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 May 2013):
 Nora is right. You knew about the porn from the beginning. And as long as it does not affect your relationship you are ok with it. This works for me too.
The title implies that the porn has started being a problem and he’s lost interest in you. The fact that you allow him to be a lazy lover and not pleasure you is on you. If he has NEVER shown interest in pleasing you, then it’s not the porn.
If you have asked him to stop because it bothers you and he has refused, you either have to accept it and cope or leave. There is no way you can make him stop for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (2 May 2013):
Yes you are in a very difficult situation as he was up front with you right from the begining when he told you he watched Porn and you accetped it as o k. However i do understand now how you feel.This is not a easy one to sort as you love him.Best thing for you to do would be go to a counsellor and get some advise as how to handle this.Hopefully his watching porn has NOT turned in a addition.You need help on this otherwise he will just get cross with you and you will get hurt Get the help sooner than later. Kind Wishes Nora B.
...............................
A
female
reader, NORA B +, writes (2 May 2013):
Yes you are in a very difficult situation as he was up front with you right from the begining when he told you he watched Porn and you accetped it as o k. However i do understand now how you feel.This is not a easy one to sort as you love him.Best thing for you to do would be go to a counsellor and get some advise as how to handle this.Hopefully his watching porn has NOT turned in a addition.You need help on this otherwise he will just get cross with you and you will get hurt Get the help sooner than later. Kind Wishes Nora B.
...............................
A
female
reader, NORA B +, writes (2 May 2013):
Yes you are in a very difficult situation as he was up front with you right from the begining when he told you he watched Porn and you accetped it as o k. However i do understand now how you feel.This is not a easy one to sort as you love him.Best thing for you to do would be go to a counsellor and get some advise as how to handle this.Hopefully his watching porn has NOT turned in a addition.You need help on this otherwise he will just get cross with you and you will get hurt Get the help sooner than later. Kind Wishes Nora B.
...............................
|
