A
female
age
41-50,
*ngel29
writes:I have a pressing issue. I am with a loving man and we get along 95% of the time. He moved in with me last year and we are to be married next year. Here's the thing. When it's good it's good, when it's bad it's horrible! We fight about the kids, he says they are not disciplined and because they had no male figure, and grew up with a single parent, they won't get the male figure thing or the learn to take care of their own. Of course this was a screaming match at a resteraunt. This is our major fight. He stepped in and he stepped up because their father didn't. He says when I answer question I snap my head and get snippy, I say it's because that's in my nature to move my head when I'm disagreeing and am made to feel like I have no sense, or when I'm asked the same question three different ways, like it's not going to have the same answer. I know this is long, but he's looking for apartments because I would rather walk away then get into it with him. Help me make a decision before we end it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2009): So you would rather drop the subject and stop arguing, and he would rather have a good row about it? Is that what you mean? If so, then maybe you could try to find some middle ground.
This argument you had about your kids, is this something you argue about a lot? Is it a big issue in the relationship? It is clearly something that is bothering him a lot, and he obviously wants to talk about it. But I think he's going about it the wrong way by starting a screaming match!
Do you think you could sit together and calmly discuss whatever is troubling you both? It is possible to talk about tricky subjects without arguing. Maybe you could ask him to tell you what is bothering him, and listen to what he says. Try not to interrupt, or get defensive. Try to listen and understand where he is coning from. After, you swap. YOU tell him how YOU feel. And hes has to listen without interrupting, and do his best to see it from your perspective.
Also, try to stick to the subject. It can be very tempting to start making personal insults or criticisms, or bringing up irrelevant things. But really, try to stay focussed on what you are discussing.
This can be difficult. But you both need to agree to this. There's no point you listening to him if he's not willing to listen to you too. That wouldn't be very fair!
I do agree with you not wanting to get into a fight in the restaurant. In those situations, I think it is best to try and leave it until you have both calmed down a bit, and are in a position where you can talk properly.
If he is seriously thinking about leaving because of this, then there must be something really bothering him. If possible, I would advise you to try and hear what he has to say. I know you might not want to get into it, but if it means that much to him, then it might be the only option. However, like I said before, this is a two-way thing, so your opinion on the whole matter is just as important as his.
I hope things are resolved between you, good luck. x
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