A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I had a huge fight last night about porn. I dont mind he viewing porn but I saw he was viewing porn on everyday basis on his computer. I asked him why does he like porn and he told me , he doesnt know himself. He actually told me that before he met me he was alone for 5 years and he is a man and he likes it.. therefore he wont stop. He said it with such an anger and it did make me upset. We have great sex and I am extremely comfortable with my body and I am confident. Lately is just seems like an addiction. He also claims he sees porn when parking his car! He the explained he doesnt get off but he just likes looking at it, just to do it.. When asked he just seems defensive and I cannot descrie to him how I feel.. How can I talk to him without getting upset. By the way he is 45 years old and I am 25. So, clearly is more of a habit I think. Im open to any ideas or suggestions.
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male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (11 February 2011):
 This question has run its course and is now closed to further contributions.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionListen I can write as much as I want to if you don't want to write on this post is fine... and I don't know what program you started on psychology... you know what... if somebody is asking for advice... the want to be heard an not judged... it figures you are empathetic whatsover... opinions are like assholes.. everybody has one... you don't have to reply if you don't want to.. it is a choice... have a great time posting! I can't await for your next response we need people like you
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female
reader, charliesdevil73 +, writes (11 February 2011):
 Yes, I did read your post correctly. I understand you admit that at first it didn't bother and now it does. But here's where I see you having the problem (and I'm not saying he doesn't have a problem by looking at it just to look at it, but I think his problem stems from yours).
!. He's a man, men look at porn more than women do. Female bodies are designed to attract the male eye. In many species the male is more beautiful but in ours women are. And since we are more pleasing to look at, men WILL do it.
2. Refer to eyeswideopen's post. You are contradicting yourself, which is the truth and which is the lie? If you lie on here, how do we not know you are lying about what is happening between you and your man.
3. If he feels the need to look at porn more often that he did, he is not getting something from you that he once did. Porn is not all about sex, it can be due to stress. Maybe you are nagging him too much on this subject and it is stressing him out. Therefore, he feels the need to masturbate at least once a day.
4. How can you feel confident about your body if you're bothered by porn? Those two go hand in hand for almost every woman. And, if you aren't as confident as you say you are, your man will see it. He sees you don't like your body as much, you seem less sexy in his as you once did when you were confident and again he turns to porn.
And about the psych degree, "sweetheart", I am not upset you go to school for psychology. I started a psychology program and stopped it becasue I didn't believe in generalizing and throwing people into groups when it comes to what is right and what is wrong. You OBVIOUSLY feel it is ok to generalize. And, that is the other problem that is leading to his so called porn addiction. It's not the words you say, it's how you say them. Have you ever stopped to consider how he is hearing your words when you talk to him about porn, wait, I mean fight about it? Yes, you fight. He probably feels like less of a man for having a fight start over something he deems perfectly normal and something he's been doing since he was a teen.
Lastly, if you don't want advice, don't post on here. Maybe you're not reading the headline careful enough at the top of the page....it says dearcupid.org relationship ADVICE.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (10 February 2011):
 "We have great sex" and then "a person is ignoring you and they want to watch porn instead of having sex with you"...so which is it???
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionApparently you didn't read my post very carefully I do admit at first it didn't. Bother me but now it does. You shouldn't get upset because I go to school for psychology... and sweetheart I wouldn't be open to advice... I don't understand what the big issue is... if a person is ignoring you and they want to watch porn instead of having sex with you that is a problem.. and by the way he leaves the pages open is not like I'm looking at the history to complain...
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female
reader, charliesdevil73 +, writes (10 February 2011):
I agree with two of the previously posted answers. Like miamine, I also think you need to update your post since you obviously have a problem with porn. You say you are ok with it yet you look at his internet history. Even if he leaves these so called trails of his history it doesn't give you the right to look at them. Either you really aren't ok with porn and are too scared to say something to your man or there is another problem in this relationship.
Also, just because you are going for a degree in psychology doesn't make you an expert on porn. Psychology tends to generalize things. For example, I was told I was an alcoholic because I had more than two drinks per week on average. Porn on a daily basis if not obsessed over is normal for some people. Just because it's not normal for society doesn't mean psychologists should deem it inappropriate. Every person has a different level of normal because every person is different. So stop hiding behind statistics you learned at school and admit you have a problem with porn.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLet me specify before people get assumptions... I didn't mind at first but know it has becomed obnoxious... I'm not snopping he lives with me in my mothers house! He leaves his trails behind in the computer... there is a problem if a male tends to do it everyday on some obssesive level. I'm pursuing a degree in psychology especially on abnormal behavior.. by the way miamine... you really should know I have read.. some of your answers and unless you have an education on psychology... you should pause and think before answering... I understand you are proporn...but some people tend to carry off their porn fetish a li bit too much.. check statistics... in the u.s.a alone half of married people will end up divorcing by the end of the year! One of those reasons believe it or not porn!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): Hey, you should move on. You say you are ok with porn but it's evident you aren't and then you say you don't know why he looks at it? Why do you think men look at naked women?! Hint: don't think too hard. Snooping about his computer, and the like, all point to a big lack of trust. What's the point unless you like drawn out negative break ups?
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (10 February 2011):
 No idea's nor suggestions. You said yourself, you don't mind him watching porn, so I can't understand why you keep asking him questions, why you're checking on his computer and why you're here complaining.You say nothing about his porn usage causing your relationship problems nor spoiling your sex life. Looking at pornography every day does not classify as addiction, it's normal for some people.Don't understand the bit about porn in the car. I also don't understand why you are fighting. You don't mind porn right, he likes it, so what is there to fight about?You don't seem to have any problems, neither does your partner. If there is something specific troubling you, please clarify and update your post.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): its a problem...
i would run, it is only going to get worse!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): Why are you fighting with him about it? He admitted he looks at it and enjoys it and isn't going to stop. What's there to fight about? He's truthfull about his habits and now defensive and angry b/c you are trying to change him. Stop trying to change him and if you don't like him and all his habits, leave, find someone who has a lifestyle you approve of. Checking his computer, prying, accusations and fights will just make things worse or even lead to him being secretive.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): I don't understand the "parking his car" bit... he "sees porn" or he looks at it when he's parking (or parked in) his car...
A little porn everyday is OK, a LOT of porn every day, probably not, unless it is NOT effecting your sexual relationship.
Have you tried looking at porn together? IF not, try it!
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female
reader, TheAnonymousGal +, writes (10 February 2011):
 Does he even want to stop looking at it? It seems like he thinks you're the one with the problem. If that's the case, there's really no way you can talk to him about it without getting upset (which was your original question). Unless one of you changes your views, the topic is always going to be one that one or both of you finds upsetting.
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