A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I come from a strict but very loving Indian family. I ended up in a relationship with a white male during lockdown 2020. So since June 2020 (had spoke online for months prior) we had been communicating. August 2020, he opened he had lied to me about living alone, he lives with his mother. I was upset as one day he had been really ill, so I was saying to ask family members to check in on you etc. We made up and promised no more lies. Beautiful relationship, he was my biggest support during a horrible time.November he got depressed and we split in December. After weeks of me helping him Christmas shopping for his family members, he told me he had lied , his mums partner lives with them and about other family set ups. We had a horrible few months , I carried on supporting him emotionally. We've made up now but I feel so vulnerable emotionally. I loved and adored this man, we even spoke about engagement and buying a house etc. It was my first real heartbreak. Trust is my biggest thing. I'm just unsure how to go forward? I love him and want him in my life as my man. I just can't say as my husband anymore...
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2021): Here's the thing. You're really upset about being lied to, and it has now become a thorn in your side. You can't get over it; but you put yourself through the agony of trying to maintain a relationship with a man you don't trust.
If you don't trust him, what's the point? Love cannot exist without trust. Otherwise, you're just friends. In this case, you're sitting on pins and needles waiting for the next lie to happen!
The problem with people who tell little lies when it isn't even necessary, is that they make you skeptical and unable to believe anything they say. You'll find yourself constantly testing his credibility, investigating him behind his back, and cross-examining him on everything he tells you.
Lying is a deal-breaker. Once you peg someone for a liar, you can't use love as an excuse for not letting them go.
You're deluding yourself into believing that you can forgive and handle the lying; for the sake of having somebody to love. You have no foundation of trust to set your love upon; that's tantamount to pouring it down a bottomless well. Too many heartbroken-women come to DC holding-on to guys who repeatedly lie or cheat on them; hoping for some miraculous answer to justify holding-on to him.
You don't know when he's lying or telling the truth. That's why you're here.
You're mature enough to make wise decisions. You're over 30, and you're not a naive schoolgirl. How can anyone tell you "how" to trust someone you tell us keeps lying to you...about things it makes no sense to lie about? Trust is based on facts and truth. No truth, no trust, no trust, no love!
Lying is becoming an acceptable alternative to telling the truth these days, and people are even willing to make you president; if you tell them the lies they want to hear! I'm not buying that! Are you?
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (6 March 2021):
 To help you understand what has happened here, I would like you to try something. Take a pristine clean sheet of writing paper. Put it on the table. Flawless, isn't it? Not a mark on it. Now take that piece of paper and scrunch it up as hard as you can into the smallest ball you can make of it. Once you have done that, smooth it out again as thoroughly as you can and put it on the table. Is it exactly the same as it was in the beginning? Of course it isn't. It is now full of marks (scars) from what happened to it and it will never look the same again, no matter how much you try to "heal" it.
This is what has happened to your relationship. You had a beautiful relationship, then your boyfriend screwed it up by lying to you. It will never be the same again because you will never trust him completely not to lie to you again because he has proved he is prepared to lie when it suits him.
If he has been breaking the truth to you bit by bit, I suspect there may be more - like a partner, or even a wife and children, not just his mum and her partner. Have you ever been to his house and met his mum? It doesn't sound like it. I would be highly suspicious in your shoes.
If you want a husband in your life but don't now see this man as husband material due to his deception, then why are you wasting time on having him as your "man"? While you are with him, it stops you moving on and finding someone you can trust, who will not deceive you or tell you lies.
Heartbreak is always painful, particularly the first time, but you will survive, you will grow from it and you will learn from it. If you stay with him, the lack of trust will eat away at your relationship and your self esteem; is that what you want for yourself?
You are worth better. Wish him well, explain he has destroyed the trust between you and move on.
I hope you find someone in the future who deserves your trust; this man does not.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (6 March 2021):
 At the end of the day he has lied to you and you are now having a problem moving forward.
I would imagine that you want a serious relationship with the outcome being marriage. As you say that you can't see him as your husband anymore then maybe its now time to walk away.
Even tho his lies where not that bad, at the end of the day a lie is a lie, and its a big thing for you. Trust is the biggest factor in a relationship, and he has crossed this barrier, so now you deem him untrustworthy.
You are now always going to suspect him, so on this basis i think that you should call it quits and move on.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (6 March 2021):
 If you can't see him as a potential husband anymore why waste your time on him? Even if he is nice and all, HE isn't what you are looking for.
He has lied about things that don't matter in the bigger picture, if he would lie about that... what else has he lied about?
I think you need to wish him well and move on.
You can't trust him because he isn't TRUSTWORTHY.
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