| A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Hey, I am worried about my boyfriend's loyalty. I could be totally off and maybe you guys can help me see clearly what is going on here?Well we both use Whatsapp and I noticed that he was last seen on it early this morning at 3 a.m. I was asleep as usual. I don't normally check his times. In fact, this is the first time I have because he seemed preoccupied lately. I thought it was stress due to the pandemic and what not but now I am not so sure?Would you all consider this to be a red flag? I mean, what committed male goes onto a messaging app at 3 in the morning? And why? I know he wakes up sometimes to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night but to go on an app seems rather odd. I don't want to ask him outright cause he might lie or get angry with me for checking up. But I am in a bind now. I do not know what to do or think? Should I keep watching to see if he keeps doing it? My last boyfriend cheated on me and it took me years to get over the betrayal, with therapy etc. And it took me a long time to trust this guy. Is this a case of spider senses tingling? Or is it me being totally paranoid because of what happened in the past? I don't want to go through being blind sided again. And in the beginning I resisted. He pursued me. Please help?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2021): Well, I guess the old adage "once bitten, twice shy" applies in this case. If you think it's unusual for him to be on WhatsApp at 3am; first you'd have to actually know what he is up-to before you can accuse him of anything wrong. If he did get-up to go to the bathroom, it's not unusual for phone-addicts to check their messages every waking-moment. If you're of a suspicious nature, you're going to be paranoid every time he uses his phone without disclosing why, and/or with whom he's making contact. Just because he's a guy, it must be assumed he's cheating? WhatsApp is active 24/7, and people are up all hours of the night! Does he have any friends?
You are in a new relationship. If you haven't gotten over the last one, even after undergoing therapy; then you committed to this relationship too soon. He's not responsible for your paranoia and insecurities. Those are your issues to deal with. Snooping and spying on his phone was going to create a trigger. You would think the worst before you assumed otherwise. Are you able to trust anyone?
You've already crossed the line by spying on his phone. You're going to go nuts with suspicion, and continue rationalizing or justifying even more spying; which is intrusive-behavior, and violating his right to privacy. Even if he's cheating, you're not his wife. Cheating-boyfriends shouldn't drive you to a therapist. They're replaceable. You kick them to the curb and move on!
You may as well ask him why he waited to go on WhatsApp at 3am while you were asleep? Aren't you usually asleep at that hour? Is he on phone-restriction at 3am? He's a grown-man! If his phone is on shutdown when he's spending time with you, he has to check his phone sometime. It's usually a force of habit. I can't be exactly sure he isn't up to no-good; but you've admitted you have trust-issues. You're mostly afraid to admit you snooped; because you know he'll lock you out of his phone! Phone-snooping is a hard habit to break, and I'm sure it started with your ex! This wasn't just some random solitary act!
First, apologize for the snooping; then admit your paranoia comes from being burnt before. Explain fear and paranoia got the better of you. That doesn't excuse you, you owe him a confession; and that might be a fair exchange for an explanation as to what he's up-to. If you don't trust him, you wouldn't believe him if he swore on a stack of bibles that it is all totally innocent. If he is cheating, what are you going to do about it? Have another emotional collapse? That would be proof you weren't ready to get into another relationship; and you have yet to get-over your last one. He doesn't deserve to be punished for your past boyfriend's transgressions.
Once you spy on people, you'll be tempted to do it again, again, and again. You'll jump to all kinds of conclusions without any solid-evidence to confirm if your suspicions are even accurate. You've come this far; you might as well confront him, and get this out in the open. Then be adult enough to deal with whatever comes of it.
Living in paranoia and the fear of what "might happen" will inoculate you against ever trusting anyone. It will destroy one relationships after another. He has no reason to trust you; if he can't earn any trust whatsoever from you.
Insecurities kill relationships!
A
male
reader, I'm ANDY  +, writes (6 March 2021):
 Be happy and talk with him about it patiently when probably
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A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (6 March 2021):
 Personally i don't think that you are fully over being cheated on in your past relationship, and you have carried these insecurities in to this relationship.
I don't think its a red flag, you saw that he checked whatsapp, nearly everyone has got this app on their phone. I think if was being devious he would have turned the setting off that shows when you were last online.
I have many what's app groups, at least 3 groups to do with work, a family one, plus many more. If i can't sleep for what ever reason i often have a brouse around whatsapp, reading old massages and funny joke video clips.
Stop looking for reasons that he is cheating, everyone is different and he is not the guy that cheated on you.
Trust is one of the most important factors that bind a relationship together, without trust a relationship is doomed. If you want this relationship to work then you are going to have to start trusting him. If you keep suspecting him everytime he picks up his phone it will be a slippery slope downhill and you will drive yourself up the wall.
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