A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a question that I need both male and female point of views on:My fiancé in the beginning of our relationship went around my back and began to be unfaithful. He had a second phone to do all his "dirty work" on. I noticed a change in his personality that raised all kinds of red flags. So I looked into things. I found out about a lot of different women he was chatting with as well as ones he was meeting up with. I kept it a secret to him that I knew about it all and would pop up questions to see if he would be man enough to FINALLY confess of his wrong doings. Well.. that blew up in my face when he continued to live a lie and lie to me while looking into my eyes. It hurt yes. Ive always told him that if he wants to be with someone else to just leave me before doing that. And also said if he ever did something he shouldn't of done in a relationship to please grow some testicles by confessing to me what he did. It's MUCH worse to find out infidelity by yourself on top of being lied to about it when you ask them about it. My question is this. With all that hes put me through over a year ago he gets very upset at me that im not over it by now. He says because he has changed and stopped doing all he used to do in the past which he says he did for me. I should be completely over it. I told him that its not that easy when the person you swear is your soulmate just hurt you time after time after time NINE different times on top of him lying about it. Am I wrong???
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2014): I am sad that you have to take this journey. From what you write, it sounds like you WANT to forgive him, you WANT what you had back, you WANT to continue in this relationship. No matter how many people tell you he is a lying cheating untrustworthy man, you WANT to believe he has changed...now.... and isn't that man anymore. I can not tell you that he hasn't changed, because I don't really know. What I can tell you, from my experience, is that at some point, you will need to make a decision. And that is to either trust him, or not trust him. IF you are currently secretly checking his phone or his computer, if you are secretly snooping whenever you can, if you are secretly searching for evidence, because you are hoping you don't find any..... if you get that really sick feeling when he doesn't answer your phone call or your text for quite some time: IF you are doing this now, you will HAVE to stop or it will destroy you. It will utterly destroy your soul and sanity. SO, at some point, you have to decide that you will not trust him again, and end this relationship. OR decide that you WILL trust him and stop snooping. Stop worrying, BELIEVE that he has changed, believe that he doesn't want to hurt you, believe that he loves you more now than he did back then. Believe that he only cheated on you before because he was weak in character and didn't know if his relationship with you would work out. believe that things are different now. Your question really was, should you be 'over it' as he claims. I can tell you, NO, you shouldn't necessarily be over it. It can take years... and even then, you will likely never be 100% over it. In my experience I never learned to really trust again. Once the trust was gone, it was gone.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI will give him credit that he has changed after it FINALLY hitting him that what he was doing to me was wrong. He has tried very hard to prove it to me that he wont ever hurt me again. My problem is currently trying to believe the words that he says to me because he told me back then that he would never hurt me in our relationship.. that I mean the world to him..and no other woman out there is worth his time but me. He said all this while he WAS doing the unthinkable. So when he says it to me now, when he really may mean it, it makes it difficult to believe due to his past actions. I tell him its like "the boy that cried wolf".
The actions he did due that were wrong were:
Chatting with other woman online which then turned into phone calls to them & them calling him.... photo exchanges... him sleeping with his ex (his twin sons mother) which makes it harder on me knowing that he HAS to deal with her for the rest of his life due to having the kids with her. Him having a second phone that he hid from me. And when I asked him about where his old phone went he lied to me while looking me right in my eyes. It killed me cuz at the time I knew the truth & knew that he was lying to me right to my face.
He always says that hes going to have to go the rest of his life answering "all my questions about the past & that I will never be over it" I told him " my way to get over things is by talking thru them & getting answers to my questions" he says I ask him the same questions over & over (which is not true) But I then said " when you love someone & you have hurt them the way you have hurt me with all that you have done... I wouldn't care how MANY times you ask me the same questions or what questions you may have. I would be right there answering each & every one of them to be there for you to help you get thru the dark past. All your doing is making it worse where I cant talk to nobody about it & Im just holding in my rage. Your kicking me while Im down in other words" He gets all mad at me when I say that. Doesn't make sense why he does because I think it makes perfect sense. I know the man loves me due to his current actions of trying to prove himself but my problem is having the past haunt the back of my head still some. I want to believe all that he says or does but its just so difficult to at times. What can I do??? I want the "old us" back that made everyone sick to watch cuz we were SO happy & SO in love. It frustrates the hell outta me that Ive been trying just about everything to make it happen...but it hasn't yet.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2014): I have read your follow up. I feel so sad for you, as I have been in a similar situation, and it was a terrible place to be.I think you should consider now leaving the relationship. The first reason being because cheating is a deal-breaker. It is not acceptable and I know the long term pain, suffering and loss of trust. However, if your partner can truly see where he went wrong, and is really sorry, and is prepared to forever be making that wrong right, or for as long as YOU NEED - then it would understandable for you to consider staying.I don't know to what extent your partner cheated, but for me, if my partner slept with anyone else, I wouldn't stay no matter what. I have some understanding of what your partner is saying, in so far as, he wants his mistake to be forgiven, forgotten, and not to be an issue anymore, not to hurt you anymore. Unfortunately, you may have to get very tough with him, and tell him how IT IS.HE has WRONGED you, and HE needs to be fighting to keep you. It sounds like he isn't prepared to do that. One year is nothing! to be 'over it', and his lack of love and support is making your recovery slower, and maybe even hindering it. Tell him that the fact is, you are hurt, if he wants your relationship to continue, he has to realize that the pain you feel is BECAUSE YOU LOVE HIM, and it will always hurt. Tell him, he needs to understand that, and HELP HEAL your pain whenever you need it. He needs to allow you to talk and ask the same questions over and over again. Tell him it is part of the healing process and it will take time. Tell him the pain is so incredible, it will take a long time before you are over it. ASK him if he is prepared to do that. If he isn't, then LEAVE. Because: 1. He doesn't have the moral understanding of how BAD it is what he did. 2. You will most likely never fully trust him again, and it will eat away at your heart and soul to the point , as much as you love him you will also hate him for what he did to you.3. Loving feelings are stronger when there is TRUST, and without that TRUST, you will struggle to truly love him again.5. Cheating is a deal breaker. He isn't fixing it.6. He doesn't deserve you after what he did, so he needs to be FIGHTING to keep you. He needs to show you how valuable you are to him...that he will do anything to fix it..... continually.I hope you can communicate with him. Talk when you are calm, not emotional. Tell him what YOU need, then ASK if he is willing to give it to you. Decide what YOU MUST HAVE to recover from this, and if he won't give it to you, then do what you have to do, to LOOK AFTER YOURSELF, to LOVE yourself and to preserve your sanity.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat's where the problem arises "anonymous". He gets upset with me because its been almost a year since the last episode happened & he hates when I bring up the past and "throw it up in his face" as he says. When all Im trying to do is elevate any thoughts that arise in my head. Instead of going with assumptions, Id rather ask him any questions that pop up in my head. But that's when he snaps saying "here we go again!! Ive answered all the questions you've asked me in the past. Why do we have to go thru all this again???" and then a big fight happens. All I say is "all im doing is asking you for help thru all the hurt you put me thru. But all that you seem to do is turn your back on me when I need you the most." But whenever he needs me for anything... Im right there for him. Im to the point that I don't know what to do anymore. We used to be the absolute perfect couple. Never arguing..always "lovey dovey" and laughing having fun. Now ive kinda become a different woman since going thru all the pain hes delivered but I cant change back to "the woman he fell in love with" as he puts it unless Im able to talk my feelings over with him to try & get past it all. He must think I just love having all this junk stuck in my head with nobody to talk to about it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2014): I suggest to you (from my experience) that you both realize, that 'this' is now a part of your relationship. It happened, and it is never going to not have happened. You both need to realize that for as long as you love him, it will hurt. The hurt will never go away. never. It will ease, and you will handle it better and better, and learn not to think about it. But when you do recall this, while you still love him - it will hurt. It will not hurt any longer, when you no longer love him (which is not what either of you want). So, let him know that sometimes, you may need to bring it up. You need him to reassure you and give you that space, but that you will then drop it again and move on again. Over time, you will think about it less and less. It's a part of your relationship, now, that gets dealt with every now and again. He did it, he created it, he has to deal with it too. You may like the idea of forgetting it, and feeling like it never happened, but it did happen, and NOT denying it, but dealing with it - as required - is manageable and makes your relationship possible to continue and grow and deepen, and for trust to rebuild.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you "YouWish" What you replied did make me think. Yes I have been in the wrong with my reactions towards him after finding everything out. I did it all out of anger & hate. Ive taken a different path with my behavior to try to save what he & I have.
To "HoneyPie" Yes I do love the guy but I want to make sure that you are aware that im NOT trying to reform this guy into a man that I want as if hes a puppet. It was HIM that stepped back to take a look at the mess he had made & it was HIS decision to change for the better. Finally realizing what kind of woman I am & how much he honestly deep down is in love with me. I did not walk away from him because when it came time to finding every little thing out he was in that process of changing to the better man he is today. He knows what he did was incredibly wrong & he apologizes to me all the time for putting me thru all that heartache. He says the reason why he gets so upset & yells when it gets brought up is due to hearing how much he had hurt me & doesn't want to relive the situation. He wants to be over it (as well as he wants me to be over it ) due to wanting to move on in life & make things all better between us. I tell him that things cant get healed /better if the past isn't brought up to better understand why he did it & see where the relationship went wrong to make him give in to the other women as he did. I just want to make sure im doing things right. Ive gone to counseling & he said that he would go also to make things right between him & I.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (27 October 2014):
 I hate to break it to you, but any guy who tells a girl to "get over it" is still cheating or about to cheat.
You should take it a step further and be "over him", not just "over it". You actually ARE accepting his behavior by staying with him. No, I don't mean that there can't be reconciliation or forgiveness, but it doesn't just go away after it's done. It takes years to rebuild trust, and work and effort on both sides to do so.
What I mean is, his part is that he should be enthusiastic on rebuilding trust with you by both of you going to counseling, talking it through, reassuring you of his trustworthiness, and your part is that you take the effort every day to forgive him and to work towards rebuilding the damage. I'm not saying that it's your fault he cheated, because it's not. I'm saying that a relationship can't survive if the "wronged" partner is still emotionally bludgeoning the cheater if he's 100% putting his life into daily effort. It would never work if the cheater is honestly contrite, but the one cheated on lives to make him suffer. Can't work.
However, his "get over it" shows that he's not making any effort, but instead thinks you should swallow your feelings and he can put it under the rug so that he can go back to deceiving you at the earliest convenience.
He's your fiance? Umm, I wouldn't marry the guy.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 October 2014):
 In a way, I DO think you are wrong.
You ASSUME that because YOU love him he should change and be the man you WANT him to be, not who he is. YOUR BF was/is a man-whore. You knew and STAYED with him. Why not walk away when you found ALL that incriminating evidence? HIM confessing to YOU doesn't MAKE it better in any way, shape or form.
If cheating is a deal breaker for you, WHY stay? And don't say because I love him... Because that is not a good enough reason to put your health and future at risk. He isn't the only guy out there to date.
LOVING him is NOT going to fix him.
HE thinks you should "just" get over it, because DEEP down he doesn't think what he did was wrong at all. All he thinks was wrong was getting caught.
My guess is he hasn't really stopped this behavior, but he has found better ways to hide it.
And this is the guy you plan to marry? Do you think a ring on your finger, a pretty dress and some vows will make him stop and BE the man you WANT him to be? IF so, I think that is being delusional.
I'm sorry if I seem hard on you, but I don't understand how you can be so passive about all this.
YES, he did the cheating, YES he was the one lied to you, YES he is the one giving you FALSE hope - but YOU are the one staying. Which in his eyes means you will forgive and forget. At least till next time.
WANT more for yourself.
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A
female
reader, answerfromtheheart +, writes (26 October 2014):
 No, you are not wrong. He is not your soulmate and you should not be with him. But since you forgave him 9 different times you still need to be with him in order to learn the lesson you still didn't learn. I'm sorry that you will still need to go through pain. But you do.
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