A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together more than two years. He is willing to do almost anything for me, pick up bits of shopping, help me out if I'm not feeling well, looks after my cat when I'm on vacation, etc.I try to assist him in many ways, too, with a gift of money for birthday, etc (and no, he's never asked me for money) or getting little items to furnish his new apartment. I enjoy doing it, and especially since I am better off financially than he is.He's an intelligent man. BUT he gets involved in politics - has worked on campaigns in the past - and has a passion to see justice done. Very commendable. The problem is, he can be extremely judgmental concerning people he thinks (or who have in fact)acted in ways that are, well, horrendous. I don't blame him for that, but what I DO find very hard to take is that he will go on and on about it.If I try to tell him he might be mistaken about someone's motives or behavior, he doesn't want to hear it and tells me I don't understand. He got into an argument with someone yesterday at church (I wasn't there) and now has written this guy off. (I personally can't imagine the man behaving the way my bf says he did. I intend to ask his version of what happened, provided he i willing to tell me so that I can better understand). My bf also tells me I never believe what he tells me: that I always want to check it out for myself. Which is true. I do. I always have done so throughout my life. Right now I'm thoroughly fed up. I need - so does he - a cooling-off period for the next few days.I'm not saying I'm blameless in all this. I can be argumentative, and judgmental. I have to find a better way to deal with it - probably better not to bring it up in the first place; but when he gets so long-winded it can be hard to take - he doesn't listen.Okay, that's enough. Any reflections would be appreciated.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2009): He sounds bright but close minded.
The close minded part means you can never have a discussion about issues, hearing both sides, weighing up the arguments - it's them trying to convince you that they are right.
That can be wearying.
I don't have an answer for you. I do want to say that the way you tackle contentious issues and try to think for yourself is great. Maybe he's not used to that in women? *ponders*
Good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2009): Tisha and Anonymous, thank you both very much for your responses.Both of us are older: I just celebrated my 70th (most people think me a lot younger, LOL) and he just turned 67. He is a nice man, and as you both said, quite set in his ideas. Part of it is that like many guys, he doesn't have men friends to discuss politics with so I sometimes hear it.By the way, my husband of 28 years who died 10 years ago, was almost the opposite, much quieter - but equally thoughtful and considerate. Even so, I notice some similar negative behavior on my part then, as now.........can only say I'm working on it......I think its important for me to learn to acknowledge and appreciate his passion for justice, while at the same time setting limits after he's done his share of sounding off. Equally important for me is to recognize that its not up to me to change him! When I attempt to, things become unhappy for us both.I have a good, practical, therapist and we had one joint session. My therapist is someone I do trust (but I do have numerous good friends, and am very active). He has given me some helpful insights into how to deal with all this. Needless to say, I'll be talking with the therapist next week on his return from vacation.I don't really wish to split up with this guy. We see each other on average about once a week, and talk on the phone daily (at one time he lived with me while waiting to get his own apartment, and now that he has, its better).If you don't mind I'll print your responses for talking points when I see him (therapist) next time. A final note: my young orange tabby cat (neutered male) had been staying with my bf for a couple weeks while I had work done in my apartment. During that time, we took the cat to his vet for a check up (he's fine) and for nail clipping. However, my cat has been unsettled since returning here - animals know when "their people" are arguing - and both cat and bf get on very well indeed. They're bonded. This morning early when I wouldn't get out of bed to give my cat his breakfast (after he'd been nudging me to get up), he smacked me hard on my head! THAT earned him a squirt of the water bottle.......humans are not the only ones who can be stubborn and wilful......anyway, that little contretemps is now sorted out.Again, your responses are much appreciated!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 August 2009):
 I saw your plea on the new post. Right, what came to mind when I saw this question is the word "fanatic." I read a great definition of "fanatic" recently: someone who won't change his mind, and who won't change the subject. Sound a bit like your man?
I really think he's fairly set in his ways, if he's not willing to even entertain an opposing viewpoint, or that there are different perspectives of looking at things.
If you want to stay with him, I'd suggest learning debate tactics, rhetoric and logic. You might be able to at least concede a point or two. But I doubt you'll change his point of view.
He sounds rigid and inflexible, frankly. And to "write someone off" because they hold a different viewpoint? Very extreme. Immature, even.
You might try some shock therapy and submerge him in a different culture where people have a completely different world view. Like L.A.? (I'm joking here, sheesh)
Maybe you can discuss this with him--not politics themselves, but the way he approaches the discussion or debate and the way you'd like to be able to communicate with him. Perhaps you can get him to agree to disagree? That is what most civilized nations are built on, opposing views coming together and finding common ground and compromise so that society may best be served. Otherwise, you get a lot of people running around fighting all the time. Not a pretty thought.
Passion is good. Fanaticism, not so good. You have to determine where that line actually lies and suggest to him that he's waaaaaay over that line. Maybe change the news channel you watch for a month. I find watching the BBC world news very interesting because they aren't looking at the news from our usual American-centric point of view. You also hear a lot more about other parts of the world. And thankfully, less about Michael Jackson.
I guess the point is to make him realize that there is some benefit to listening to an alternate point of view. I just honestly don't know how to do that for you. Role-playing? Make him assume the persona of someone who holds a different view of the world and argue from that standpoint? You know, play one side of a debate team, then make him switch sides. It might be instructive for him. I doubt it, but it's worth a try.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2009): Either accept him for who he is and his beliefs or move on as it sounds like he is so staunch in his opinions he is never going to change. He sounds like one of the good guys...cut him a break, give him a little credit (namely TRUST) and enjoy the fun things about a relationship! Life is too short! If you can't get over this and there's no reasoning, I'm afraid you're banging your head against a brick wall! I know your problems are real and I'm sorry your finding it hard, but try to put it into perspective...at least he has passion - much better than a wet lettuce who doesn't have an opinion or compassion for anything or anyone!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2009): I'm the woman who posted this question. Is there anyone else who would care to offer feedback?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2009): Perhaps I should have mentioned that my bf gets "hot under the collar" mainly about various people in local and national politics. For example, Madeleine Albright who he thought condoned genocide when Clinton was President and spoke of her in four-letter words to the extent that I told him I had heard enough about the woman, and he was driving me mad going on and on. This was a year or two ago when the Washington National Cathedral sponsored a seminar on women's rights in developing countries, and Ms. Albright was the keynote speaker. He was very upset and disapproved of the Cathedral for having invited her.
Whie I do follow current affairs and do take an interest, I don't always remember such things or get as involved as he tends to do.
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A
female
reader, Jolin  +, writes (18 August 2009):
 i think, when it comes to a boyfriend stuff..you can't be that hard, girl..
i am also an argumentative person..but in the OFFICE
to the man i love, well NO
If you frankly said to your boyfriend that you would check the story ..that means you didnt trust him. That's why he's upset. well, i am not saying that what you were doing is wrong..but LETTING him now that you would check the story...is not an appropriate decision IF you dont want the dispute inccured in your relationship.
Men has their own pride, we - women - must respect it.. trust me. If you want to keep him, you can't be that dominant. This doesnt mean that you become obidient girl, and follow whatever he said..but, you can't be so opposite to a boyfriend.
Talk calmly..he'll understand..
Compare this:
1. tell him that you are just worried if he will be sued, that why you hope him to be more careful and patient when dealing with unpleasant people.. (indeed, these people are not unpleasant..it's just a trick! LOL!)
and
2. saying you r gonna check his story out?
the result is same rite? but the first one show the love & affection :)
From what you wrote, i think he's a nice person.. well, just do a make up kiss to your man..okay? ;)
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