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female
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anonymous
writes: i'm losing my sex drive and i have no idea why. It's also getting to the point where my boyfriend is asking me questions as to what is going on and i have no real answer for him, we have discussed it and he told me that he would ideally like to have sex twice a day which, i know, is a bit much but at the same time i want to satisfly ( sorry crap speller) him and keep him happy because i love him to absolute bits and i know he loves me but whenever he comes onto me , which is quite a bit, i feel like sometimes we can't have a cuddle without it leading to sex.I just think enough already and then i feel guilty because it's like i don't find him attractive anymore, (i do), and i would completely hate it if it was the other way round. We are also into different fetishes and being advanterous ( again crap at spelling)and where i do enjoy these things with him, i could do with a little less of it and have loving sex more often and i don't know how tell him that without making him feel like a giant perv, which i don't think at all, he's so loving towards me, he always listens when i talk and other than the sex issue, we have an amazing relationship.We moved in together about 1 year and ahalf ago is this normal?
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female
reader, stina  +, writes (13 September 2006):
 Hello Anon,
A lot of times girls don't have a good sex drive because they are on birth control. Maybe this is what's happened with you. And it really doesn't have to fade as soon as you start taking birth control, either - it could be up to a few months before you experience this (terrible) side effect.
What I suggest is that you try doing it more often, even if you're not in the mood. It's a fact that when people do it more often, then they are going to *want* to do it more often. Also I suggest that you mentally plan when you are going to have sex so that you make sure you do it - it will make both of you very happy! And since you are both into fetishes perhaps it would be a good idea to introduce porn? Seeing other people would surely help you guys get in the mood if you are comfortable with the idea. Something else that might make you want to do it more is if you *feel* sexy when you are thinking about having sex. It will make you feel better and will turn your partner on more.
But then again people just turn out to have different sex drives naturally. If you try the above and nothing changes, then this might be the 'problem.' If this is the case, just talk with him about it. Try to work out a happy medium between the both of you.
And something else I thought is that maybe you don't have the drive as much as him because he wants to include fetishes/adventure in his sex when you don't want it that often. That might just be a turn off to you and make you not want to do it as often.
If you want to try and have more have 'loving' sex, I suggest the next time he brings up doing it in an "unloving" way, that you tell him you'd rather just love *each other*. That you just want to be with him and get lost in the moment with him and nothing else. Stay positive, then there's no reason for him to feel like a perv, let alone anything else. He might actually feel flattered that you don't 'need' to have anything else but him.
I hope my suggestions help, this can be a very frustrating problem to address. Once you do, you'll both feel much better. Take care.
A
female
reader, Angel_A +, writes (13 September 2006):
 Hi chick,
I don't think there is any abnormal about either of you - it's just that you both have different needs and somehow need to reach a compromise so that you're both getting what you need from the relationship.
Sex twice a day to me sounds great! but even I must admit that after a while that that could become quite predictable, and you're right, sometimes a cuddle and a hug is all you really need.
The only way it to communicate - and to talk to him about how you feel. Reassure him how much you love him, but that sometimes you're starting to feel under pressure - perhaps he can't read your signals so if you approach him and say "cuddle me" that could be a code word that a cuddle is all you want! lol. Sounds silly, but it may help him think about what you want.
Maybe you can encourage him to "relieve" himself from time to time, again reassuring him it's not that you don't desire him but that you don't have the same sex drive that he has, and you're finding it difficult right now to get totally into the sex due to feeling tired etc.
Ref his fetishes, do you think he's being a bit over the top in order to impress you or keep you interested? Why not set up an evening with candelight and soft music to try and encourage a softer mood/atmosphere and maybe start by giving him/or him giving you a sensual massage - this may show him how much you enjoy taking it slowly and gently as opposed to in more extreme ways.
Good luck x
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