A
female
age
36-40,
*epperraid
writes:My boyfriend and I have, what we and everyone else call the perfect relationship. Both of our last two relationships were not good. We were always the calm, rational one being yelled at, griped at, fought with, argued with, exploded on etc. On top of that we have a complete and total belief in honesty. Neither of us are judgmental in the slightest, so anything told will be rationally discussed or just accepted depending. We are also so alike. We have the same types of parents, same roots of our issues and insecurities, same issues and insecurities, same beliefs, values, views, personality, we are both 1/2 crazy, spontaneous, fun, optimistic, adventurous experience junkies and 1/2 responsible, relaxed, able to buckle down, and put premium on parenting. The big thing for me is he is a father (no mom), of a two year old. We get along very well, I love him. But since I was young been compiling a non-negotiable list of dos and donts for raising my children. Never thought I would find someone who did / believed in these exact ones. He does them (believes in doing them later). He is also as sensitive, empathetic, compassionate and insightful as me (and as manipulative, dark and other less positive qualities as me)....We have gotten each other over most of our deep seated fears or concerns (same ones), and focused our dreams and goals (same ones). Both laidback and up to try anything. We NEVER argue, fight or yell. BUT... we live in different states (I just quit my job so we can find a house in his with his son). We spent every weekend together in his state. The last month we spent every minute of every day in mine... it was amazing and we talked sometimes for days, never getting bored. He gave me a ring he wears that means a lot to him. He told me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and despite being so in love, he is not scared because he is so sure and secure in our relationship. I never let anyone in like that, but I felt the same. We knew more about one another than anyone and loved everything we found. After the month, went to his state for a few days and came back (to get my place sublet, get my last paychecks and expense reports, pack up my car for when he finds a place).A few days after I did he did a 180. Suddenly he was cold, distant, never talked on phone (he used to wake up super early to call me before work), when we did talk it wasn't him. He wasn't being honest or upfront. And when I asked him he said that because I had insomnia for 3/4 days there and started to get weird sights, he was annoyed cause I stressed him by making him feel he wasn't moving quick enough for me not to go crazy. And that we didn't need to talk all the time (he is the one who used to call dozens of times a day and talk for hours) to the point it was like 15-20 minutes all day. I felt it was more but he just snapped at me and raised his voice (never done this).I didn't get it. How did he change? Did I do something? I went crazy for days wondering this (but I didn't want to stress him out so I was nice and friendly on the phone - didn't like not being honest either). One day, I was talking to my friend and said, 'he is like me, the only thing that could do this to me is if it was a guy distracting me, but that would only happen in my case in a bad bad relationship' ... sure enough he told me that afternoon the reason he was so distracted and weird was because he ran into his ex-girlfriend and was in love with her ... and with me.I couldn't believe it. He was basically trying to get me to say why I should be with the boyfriend whose son loves me (mutual hate with his ex.... same with the rest of his family cause she is not a nice person -or as good looking if you think thats it). , who I was moving for / quit my job for, who made me more certain of love more strong than I have ever known? Everyone around us came to us for relationship help and envied what we had.... I told him I wouldn't compete for my own boyfriend so he should choose. He told me she said the same, told him I didn't care what she said, I was his girlfriend... Told him if he thinks he may, in any small way, want to be with her in the future, wants to be with her more than me, thinks there is anything at all that makes him want to be with her (he loves her own son), then he should go because I would be fine (lie but I sold it).He chose me over and over and said he remembered in this convo how amazing I was and we were, and how rare and perfect it was....then he said conversation over (it wasn't for me, still had some feelings to process and questions to ask, a few of which have yet to be answered). I told him how much it hurt that he made me feel so bad and worried (one conversation after which he said I stressed him out was like us breaking up 'dont know how I feel' 'don't want to hurt you' repeated over and over with long pauses)during that time, cause I didn't need more held inside... he told me not to make him feel bad (if your actions make you feel bad, maybe you shouldn't be doing them). He said he blocked his ex... don't know if he did or not.My main problem is how can someone go from the crazy in love we still were when I left his state, to sitting, in love with, someone a few days later?? I realize a lot of people have feelings for exes. Most don't admit them to their partners. But I just feel like he and I doesn't love the same way. He also cheated on that ex when he was mad with his previous ex and said my insomnia made him mad this time. I don't feel really that safe, even though he didn't cheat, how can you want to start a family with someone and then fall in love with someone else?
View related questions:
ex girlfriend, his ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 October 2012):
 Its clear he was never over his ex to begin with before he started a relationship with you and that you have both just moved way to quickly in the relationship without giving each other space. In this post you fail to mention that he had a death scare and that is what caused your insomnia, knowing that minor detail will help others see why he was distant with you and wasn't there for you, he was fighting his own demons at the time and he probably needed you there for him. Death is a scary thing to face for anybody.
As for your relationship now, he really does not know what or who he wants and my best advice to you would be to sit down and have a long talk with him and ask him all off these questions, he obviously is still in love with his ex and this needs to be addressed.
|
