A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have recently split up with my boyfriend but I'm really confused about what to do. I was in a relationship for 8 years with a guy who was really quite boring, we had nothing in common and my life was a bit mundane. After I split up with him I met the guy I've just split up with and he was really fun and exciting and different!We ended up doing some pretty crazy stuff that I never would have dreamed of doing before. I'm not proud of it to be honest. I took drugs with him, we drank a lot, sometimes we'd stay up all weekend just watching porn and taking drugs. We used to go to strip clubs, stuff like that. Honestly I don't know what I was thinking half the time. Looking back at it now I'm kind of ashamed.Well we were both as bad as one another, I encouraged this behaviour sometimes, he didn't always want to do this but I'd persuade him to get drugs or drink with me. We ended up wrecking our lives, I think the drink and drugs made us depressed in the end. I think my job suffered, I'm surprised I still have a job.I decided to clean my act up about a year ago and now I rarely drink and I never take drugs, I feel so much better. But my boyfriend is still the same. He ended up assaulting me, he was caught drink driving and he had cannabis in the car. He's in jail at the moment. He's lost his job and his drivers license. I don't condone his behaviour at all and I'm glad he's in jail because this will give him a reality check about how reckless he is.I know that he lead me down this really bad path and if I never met him I probably would never have even tried drugs. I was 27 when I met him and never tried anything up until then. But he wasn't half as bad as he is now. I think I really enjoyed the excitement and just made him even worse encouraging it all.He has helped me through some bad times in my life, stuff that happened before we started acting crazy. I was left in a lot of debt and I would have ended up homeless if he didn't help me. I'm grateful to him for lots of things. But he's turned in to a monster. He started hitting me and he became jealous, for no good reason. He was controlling and he's made no effort to clean himself up. He ended up scaring me.I know that it's my fault he ended up like this but because he assaulted me I've been told by everybody to keep away from him. I feel guilty because now he has nothing. I feel partly responsible for all of this mess. I know that I shouldn't be in a relationship with him but I want to try and help him as a friend. What should I do? I just feel a tremendous amount of guilt!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2015): Thank you for your replies. I know deep down that I should stay away from him and it was his own choice to act how he did. I've had a little think and I know that if I were in his place and the tables were turned I wouldn't be blaming him for how I behave. It's this thing in my mind that he's helped me out so much since I've known him but again if I were in a position to help somebody I would and wouldn't hold it against them. You're right that I'm lucky enough to not be an addict and when I put my mind to it I was able to stop. If I help him through everything and stand by him that would just be enabling him again. I think he needs this reality check and to be left alone to realise that he needs to change.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (18 February 2015):
 Dear OP,
I am MARRIED to a man who beat me up when he was drunk. NOT once. MORE than once. He’s been arrested for it twice. Once before I married him. The last arrest was my breaking point and I told him “you cannot come home unless you go to and complete rehab and are working a program 100%” He agreed and has been sober since January 5th 2015. Yes this is VERY recent so your post is very painful for me to answer but it’s my duty as an agony aunt to help others so here goes….
1. You have split up with him. This is good for you. It may be good for him too but that is NOT YOUR PROBLEM. HE is NOT YOUR CONCERN, YOUR PROBLEM or the issue. THE ISSUE is YOU.
2. Fun, exciting and different means doing wild and crazy things. You took drugs, you drank, you did things you are not proud of. Do NOT be ashamed. YOU did things as a learning process and a way to grow and mature. We all do things that we later decide are not right for us to be doing so we stop doing them. This is no different.
3. YOU have moved on from drinking and drugging because you do not have addiction issues. Many people do not. He clearly does. My husband is an addict. His drug of choice is alcohol and he cannot control himself with it. It’s a disease not a moral or ethical failing. I can’t cure his alcoholism any more than I can cure his GERD. All I can do is help him find appropriate help and take the actions himself.
4. Your boyfriend is suffering the consequences of his actions. He lost his job. He lost his driver’s license. He is in jail for DUI and possession and he did this to himself. YOU did not make him drink and drive. YOU did not put the stuff in his car, in his body. YOU did not put him behind the wheel and say “DRIVE”. YOU did not do this. HE DID IT
5. He helped you. That was nice of him. When I met my husband I had over 10k in debt. I had a house that was falling apart. He spent over 50k to rehab the house we both live in now and he paid off my debt. HUGE big deal. Trust me if I tell you had he NOT given up the alcohol he would still be sitting in jail and he would be preparing to divorce. I OWE HIM NOTHING. YOU owe your bf NOTHING. GET THIS straight. You can be grateful but you OWE HIM NOTHING.
6. He hit you (never acceptable do NOT use drugs and drinking as a rationale for explaining this abuse) He attempts to control you. He SCARES YOU….
Now PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE explain to me how you THINK this is YOUR FAULT? This is so NOT your fault and you need not have ANY guilt at all if you never contact him again. You can’t and should NOT be friends with him. YOU did not cause this. YOU cannot fix this.
WHAT YOU need is Al-ANON. http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/
You need to go to meetings to learn to detach from someone you care about who is drinking and drugging. You need to learn to let it go and be detached. IF you want to help him, give him a list of the local AA and NA groups around and let him fix himself.
Learn this if nothing else about OTHER people ‘NOT MY CIRCUS NOT MY MONKEYS’
Congrats on finding your sobriety. Now find your mental health. HE is not your problem YOU are. Use Al-anon as a jumping off point for figuring out yourself. It is NOT a replacement for therapy but it can help you get off the "stinking thinking' merry go round of "it's my fault and I feel guilty"
you are NOT at fault.
you should NOT feel guilty
you owe him NOTHING
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 February 2015):
 You write (and I quote)
"I know that it's my fault he ended up like this "
It's not. EVERY single adult are responsible for THEIR own action.
HE CHOSE to be controlling, HE choose to BEAT you. CHOICES, not something YOU "made" him do.
The drunks and drinking? My guess is you BOTH were a pretty BAD influence on each other, egging each other on to escalate stupid behavior. No wonder he ended up where he is today, and YOU got lucky. VERY lucky. Does that mean YOU owe him? I can't see why?
You really think he will come out wanting to be your "charity case"? I doubt it, if anything he will want to pick up where you two left off, and DRAG you down with him.
IF he is still using and you "HAVE" to help, then find him a program but don't expect it to work.
Your friends and family are not trying to meddle in your life, they are concerned for your safety and well being, and rightly so.
Why invite chaos into your life?
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (18 February 2015):
 It's his fault he's in jail. He messed up your life big time, and yet you still want to be in contact with him? Do you know how crazy that sounds?
Your first boyfriend was not suited to you, and neither is this guy. You need to find someone who has a bit more enthusiasm for life but has a sensible head on his shoulders too.
End things properly with this guy, and hang around with people who'll make your life better, not worse.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2015): Nothing.
Let's get this straight. You screwed up your life for a while taking drugs, getting drunk, almost losing your job, and getting beaten by this guy...and you think you owe him something after that...?
I'm a cop, and it still amazes me how women want to be around guys who have beaten them.
99.9% of the people I put in jail deserve to be there. He's a big boy who made his own big boy decisions. You have nothing to do with that. The only one making you feel guilty is you.
Luckily you got out of that lifestyle, and he wanted to stay the way he was. There's no reason to look back now. He doesn't need to become your project. People change when THEY DECIDE they need to change, not when YOU WANT to help change them.
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