A
female
age
41-50,
*ystifiedme
writes:Hi,I've been with my partner for 5 years. When we argue he goes into silent mode and just wont talk. We were in a really great place in our relationship two nights ago and then it all fell apart. We were invited to my sisters and he said he wasn't in the mood, I was...he threatened to go to bed if I brought it up again...and he followed through. I told him I wanted to stay up and have a good night and he said will you do that baby...so I went to my sisters.Next thing he's on the phone asking did I take the bottle of wine with me...which I had...and he started shouting saying well bring it back down...I thought he was going to bed and wouldn't be up again. obviously I had taken the wine...Afraid he was trying to control me, simply because I did what I wanted to do...I aksed him to come get it instead. Long story short he called me and told me I wasn't welcome in our house anymore, don't bother coming back! lol I was amazed!Of course I did go back...it's my home too. But he is now just ignoring me and I don't know if we are split up or not. What should I do? I have sent him an email in work asking him wether he has split with me or what...to which he is just ignoring me...I can see he is online and I tried to initiate a chat and he chagned his status to busy! He could just go on ignoring me for days.It sounds ridiculous doesn't it...but I am really really stuck!Please if anyone thinks they can help! I could really use the advice.thanks so much.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (30 June 2008):
 Thanks for the update from caveman land! I was hoping that things would go well for you this weekend; he did realize that he needed to do the right thing, and that's great. It was my pleasure to be your cyber-girl friend, the one who tries to help as best she can, and keep you focused on the end goal. Which it sounds like you are! Maybe this will all turn out to be very healthy for your relationship, if he realizes that you and he need to communicate better.
One of the things that I've learned about my guy is that he wants to be appreciated, and that means that you acknowledge all he's doing to make your life together better. It's simple things, like clearing out the garage, or fixing the leaky tap, that we might take for granted. But tell him that you noticed and that you think he did a good job and thank him for all he's doing, and he'll be happy and glow with pride for an hour or two. Sometimes it's the simple stuff we forget. Everyone wants to feel cherished, and loved, and cared for, even cavemen. ;)
Good luck with your talk, and I hope to see you round DearCupid! It's kind of addicting, I've found.
A
female
reader, mystifiedme +, writes (30 June 2008):
mystifiedme is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTisha...a little update from the land of caveman and mystied woman!
Well I stuck by my guns and my sister stayed over. I was just as you adviced and was civil to him the whole time. He was lovely to my sister...they get on well.
We had a big concert to go to and whilst out our little sister came down with a bad fever and wanted to go home...so knowing she needed to be with someone I called my partner and said can he look after her...which God love him he did...she hasn't left the house since so we have been minding her and getting on really well together also.
So it looks like everything is ok. I still think we need to have our little talk...so I'm gonna arrange for us to go on a date nad talk it out.
Looking positive though.
Thanks for all your advice...it was like having a wee guardian on my shoulder as I went through the abyss! lol
I was so angry on Friday when I thought he was trying to say my sister couldn't stay here! But it just goes to show...you have to stand up fo rwhat youthink is right and he may just come around to it!
Relationships?! Who needs them...can't live with them or without them! lol
Thank you again and again!!!
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A
female
reader, mystifiedme +, writes (26 June 2008):
mystifiedme is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell all hell let loose there!
he can go feck himself tisha!
I am going agead with my plans and to that he said well there you go again putting everyone ahead of me....as usual you care more about others!!!!!!
MY SISTER?!??!?!?!
I've really had enough now!!!!
Ima way to get ready for a good night out and a fun day tomorrow!!!
Thanks for your last message it really helped!
and yes I DO THINK HE'S PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE
Didn't mean to use caps there! lol
talk soon....I'll let you know how this goes...but it doesn't look good!
Im way to past caring!...nah I'm just really really angry..and he seems happy about that!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 June 2008):
Okay, now he's got me angry at him too. This is now getting ridiculous on his part. What sprang to mind today for me was the term 'passive-aggressive.' He's trying to control the situation by being so passive that you wind up having no choice but to do what he wants.
Okay, what to do about your sister's visit. If it were me, I would proceed with the plans that have already been established. You'd talked about them, you'd set plans weeks ago, you get to stick to them. I would treat him with polite distance for the time your sister is there. Or treat him like a pouting child, if he's going to behave like one, he can expect to be treated like one. Obviously, this is going to be stressful for you, but I would stick my guns, I think. Carry out your already agreed on plan. After all, it is your house too. If he doesn't like it, as you said, he can remove himself from the situation.
Long-term is getting couples counseling. This is going to go nowhere unless you both are committed to working on it. And he's being a horses patootie at the moment.
I found an interesting discussion about passive-aggressives. Have a look and tell me if this sounds like your caveman.
http://www.angriesout.com/couples8.htm
Grrr. He's got me steamed at him too. But maybe that's what he's going for, you so angry you can't think straight. So, mystifiedme, take the biggest chill pill you can find (metaphorically) and just ignore him for the time being. Get on with your social plans with your sisters and do not let him push you out of the house just yet. That may come, but right now, do not let him mess up your plans.
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A
female
reader, mystifiedme +, writes (26 June 2008):
mystifiedme is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTisha..not good!!! After talking on email really openly yesterday I thought I might come home (although I didn't finish work to late...so that might be a reason), to him sitting up ready to talk. He knew I had my sister coming over to stay with us (from another country!!) and I repeatedly asked him through the week what are we gonna do about Thurs and fri night when my sisters here! He never responded to that.
So today I reminded him and said, babe what way will we work this...we can stay in my other sisters tonight but then all us girls are, as planned spending all day Friday in our house and staying over.
He said can you all just not stay Friday in my other sisters! Which is totally unreasonable...I'm staying out one night for him. I invited my isster here and have planned this say for weeks!
So I've gone from being/trying to be really understanding back to angry now and don't know what to do!
In my eyes if he's the one who needs space nad time then he should be taking it else where if theres no space here for him to take it!
If it was me!!! I'd have been away somewhere else last week!!!
5 days now Tisha and I have no idea how long this is going to go on!!!
My inner thoughts are saying "pack a bag and take yourself off somewhere else until you've had enough space...I've had enough of this!"
I just feel like he's takin the piss now...I feel like he's trying to enforce his superiority or control on me! Dramatic I know...but I am scared thats what he's doing...wether he knows it or not!
Feck what ma I gonna do?!!?!?!?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 June 2008):
How goes it with the caveman? I don't have any new advice, just wondering how things were going with you.
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A
female
reader, mystifiedme +, writes (25 June 2008):
mystifiedme is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYour letter is brilliant! lol I was laughing my leg off.
I'll definately give that a go tonight if he isn't asleep by the time i get home that is! Or he may have miraculously came out of his cave.
I did the test last night and got
ENFJ and then I couldn't get back onto the page I was looking ofr todya and had to do it again and got ESFJ and in true me form I can't tell which s more me!!! lol
My partner did it! He got INTJ!! You can even tell by glancing how very different we are...
I read his and some things are accurate about him but it definetly doesn't show how his humour is his manner...everyone just wants him to be more outgoing / social cause when he is the parties always better...but God love him...he doesn't really enjoy it! I on the other hand LOVE IT! lol
I was talking wiht my sister who is newly (thank God) reading self help books and she reminded me that we all want him to want to come out to our social events more often and find it hard to understand why he doesn't but we have to learn to accept him for who he is...which is what you were saying too...also she added the very valid point that it was the day after his birthday...he may have been a bit blue anyway and just wanting me to want to be wiht him!
Frik well when i thought about my birthday and hte fact it was a birthday weekend celebration I would have been furious if he chose to go somewhere else. So I can see how this started in his side...he has apologised by email, like i said about the way he behaved after I left! Which was my main concern!
Now all i need is ot get him ou of that cage and talking! Actually I wouldn't mind a hug too!!!
4 days now! lol
Depressing!
I still can't thank you enough!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (24 June 2008):
You're very welcome. I appreciate your very kind words!
Look, I've been there too. I've received the silent treatment and the unspoken resentment. But that was years ago, waaaayyyy back when I was your age or younger. :)
I'm really happy to hear that he's got a sense of humor. Or is it humour? Whatever it is, if he can crack some jokes and see the wacky funny side of this, you're in with a fighting chance.
So let's rewrite the note to him. Envelope should have a funny address written on it. "Dear Mr. Cave Man. MY Cave Man."
"Halloooo, you in there. Yes, you, the one that I love. The only one I want to be with. Yes, that's you.
"Look, things are going all wrong between us. I know I don't like it and I know you don't either.
"So because I love you and want to work things out, I'm prepared for you to have your time to yourself. But I think we both will be happier when we can talk about what's going on, what's going wrong, what we both want and don't want to happen.
"I'll be waiting for you when you're ready to come out.
"I love you."
What's the worst that could happen from this note? The worst is that he doesn't read it, so prepare yourself for that. But from what you've written, I think he will. He has to go to the toilet at some point, doesn't he? ;)
And when he emerges from the cave, do your very best not to give him the silent resentment treatment in revenge or go out and ignore him. I know it's tempting, I know that you want him to feel what you went through. But you have to let it go, if you want to work this out with him. Seriously.
You've got some work ahead of you, and it will be better if you both start off on it with a positive frame of mind. Spoonful of sugar and all that kind of thing.
I really have my fingers crossed for you to succeed here.
PS I scored as an ENFP. You?
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A
female
reader, mystifiedme +, writes (24 June 2008):
mystifiedme is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think you're some sort of Angel!
Thank you! Can't believe I managed to get usch great advice.
All your points make good sense to me.
Especially the couples counselling...
the in his cave recharging his batteries has stopped me in my tracks of feeling sorry for myself for coming home to yet another night of silence and distance.
Its selfish to just think I want to sort this out now...without considering yeah...does he need this space and the outcome maybe better for both of us?....
Can't believe you got me a link to a Myers-Briggs test...excellent! Thank you!
I have had it done before and yes am a phenomenal extrovert...not in a bad way...I'm an actress (unemployed and not chasing it this last year! yikes...and there lyith the reason I want to go one way and he just doesn't!)
I think we need to get counselling to go any further.
Don't think he'll go for it though.
we have emailed to eachother today...adn God love him he's still being really funny at times in his email, but I can tell he's really hurt...even if I can't for the life of me see how that's my fault...he can't see how I don't get that I was in the wrong! I don't!! He is assuming I just prefered to be else where that night...wrong I really didn't.
I am also then assuming(according to him), that he was jealous..he said he wasn't...jsut upset that I (in his eyes), couldn't wait to get away from him!
And round and round we go! Circles all the way! lol
I do think we need professional help!
But thank you! Thank you for your time!
You've been so kind!!!!
best if luck to you!!!!!!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (24 June 2008):
Thanks again for your latest update. I'm happy to give my time and thoughts to you if you find the advice useful.
This answer might seem a bit disjointed because I jotted down notes of things I wanted to cover and they might not be in a really cohesive order.
First of all, you two have now gotten into an established pattern of behavior. You want to go out and socialize; he doesn't get the same enjoyment out of it as you do. Maybe you're the extrovert type of person who gets energy from being with other people. I'm more of an extrovert too, I recharge my batteries by interacting with other people. I like parties and social events and chatting and laughing and just generally being loud and soaking up the positive energy of other people. He sounds like an introvert; he can be social and hanging out with people, but when it comes time to recharge his batteries, he'd rather be by himself or just be quiet with you.
So you like to go out and be social; he prefers to stay home and spend time with himself and you. This will naturally lead to tension, unless you work out a compromise.
At the risk of dragging in some amateur psychology, there's an interesting personality assessment called the Myers-Briggs. There's no right or wrong personality in this assessment, it's just a way of delineating how you see the world. When I took it ages ago in the workplace, it was useful to see how other people's types varied from mine. It was used as a tool to learn how to communicate with co-workers. If you learned that your boss was an introvert and preferred information in a certain order, well then, if you wanted to get something approved it was NOT a good idea to corral him in the hallway and try to paint a word picture.
Here's one online tool I found through google. I'm sure there are many others.
http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp
It might be useful if the two of you took this assessment and compared results. I remember being told that in a relationship, it was usually smoother if you and your partner differed only in one or two aspects. Three or four were likely to lead to conflict.
On to the trust issue. It sounds like you have not been cheating to me, frankly. You've been in other relationships but not when you were actively dating him, right? But you did leave him years ago, which may have left some wounds that haven't healed for him. The thing of it is, to my mind, that is HIS problem that he needs to work through himself. He makes it your problem by punishing you for past deeds or feelings that you have since moved on from. So to deal with this, you're going to have to remind him that your feelings for him are loving and strong and you are not planning on cheating, that you have no desire to leave him. But if he carries on with the distrust and snide comments then your feelings may change.
The different life goals and the "crush" on the lifestyle not the guy that you reported is actually a big concern for me. In most successful couples (I mean success to mean a stable relationship, not monetary or material wealth) there is a mutual goal of a certain lifestyle. Either you've attained it or are both working toward it. Where you live, how you live, what you want to do with your time and energy and resources, these should be generally agreed on. It's rarely 100% agreement but it should be a majority ruling. (I think 100% agreement might actually be kind of boring. But maybe very effective? Whoops, that's another tangent. Never mind.) So you had a crush on a lifestyle, not really the guy. But this man represented something you found desirable in terms of how life was to be lived.
We all make choices in life, some little, some big, and we wind up with some regrets for the options that couldn't or wouldn't become reality because of the path chosen. I sometimes regret not going to university in California; things would have turned out differently for me. But I did make a choice and things have happened as a result of where I went to school. There will always be the 'What If' questions, I think, but if you're having too many of these popping up, maybe that's a sign that the wrong path was selected. Time for a detour? I don't know, only you can determine that for yourself.
So let's get back to some concrete ideas for you. I think that you two do need to have this candid and open conversation about the big picture. He needs to let go of your past, and stop punishing you for it. He is entitled to his feelings, as are you, but what is done with them should not be hurtful for no good reason to the other partner. You need to realize that his need for some solitary time is real and valid and deserves respect and understanding.
It sounds like you really do love him and want to make things work. Does he? If so, then maybe the best thing you two can do is to go into couples counseling to work through some of these issues. I'm not an expert in this area, you're getting the opinion of a woman who has observed a lot of things and has formulated some ideas about relationships, but this kind of opinion can only go so far.
I hope I've given you some food for thought, and that he has come out of his cave (where he recharges his batteries) and is willing to try to work on this relationship with you, together, so that it can flourish and be joyful and mutually satisfactory for you both.
Good luck with the next steps!
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A
female
reader, mystifiedme +, writes (24 June 2008):
mystifiedme is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Tisha. I can't believe your generousity of time and spirit in replying to my request for help!!! Such wise words too!!!
The trust issue is from a past hurt, I had left him when we were young and went straight into a relationship with his friend...many many years later we got back together. I was in a realy bad place in my life at that time, when we had originally split up.
When we got back together though alarm bells rang when he refused to let me see my best friend anymore because we had once dated during the time I was not with my partner...this was a really short relationship which proved beyond a doubt that me nad my friend were just that great friends! So I thought it was more important to fight for our relationship adn lost a friend...lost a lot for a time because none of my other friends could understand what I was doing.
We are very different as in I love to socialise and he really doesn't. Everyone loves his company, but he prefers to sit in and only og out when he has to. So we had identified in the past that we have to be able to respect the others needs and I had to be strong and go out even if he doesn't wnt to...which was hard for me..cause I always feel like when I do say I'm going somewhere without him..that he's in a bit of a huff with me.
2 years ago I tried to leave him...I saw my options for life as a single successful woman and I tried to leave. In the process I got a crush on someone else...more I got a crush on his lifestyle and wnated it for myself...not the guy..if that makes sense? But obviously my partner...who it has to be said can read me like a book...new i was having feelings for soemone else. When I had split from my partner I kissed the other guy. Weeks later I couldn't do it...I couldn't leave...it was too hard imagining life without my partner...too hard to split up all that we had shared and made as "ours". He's jsut a part of the family now...to leave would be like loosing a member of the family for all of us!
But the relationship even though we have great times together, we laugh a lot, its been daggered with snide comments which cut me to the core about this guy I kissed...although my partner makes out that this guy was my "boyfriend"! Really really toxic. When he used to say things like that I would cower inside and feel small but I recently began to say..you can't speak to me like that it hurts...
Problem then is there is a massive underlying problem in our relationship. He has been hurt nad doesn't trust me. I see a life without him as a completely different story career wise choices in where I live and how I live which I just can't have with him...cause he doesn't want those things.
Can we work through that? Especially when you can observe the absolute near impossible communication style that exists for us!
It will break my heart to loose this love...and it is love...but I really dont' want to stay in a relationship that could be toxic/abusive and God knows where I will be in 10-20 years...a weak woman? Divorced with kids? I don't want to mary him if theres a chance of either of those things happening to me!
Hope this gives you a clearer view of my background.
I will take your advice on offering him a chance to talk to me when he is ready.
Thanks again Tisha for your tiem and generousity!!!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (24 June 2008):
Thanks for your update! Sometimes it takes a little time for questions to get reviewed, so don't worry.
I did think there was more to the situation, so it was helpful to hear this and I'll do my best to offer suggestions for you. I'm glad that he actually did respond via email, and that he acknowledged it's toxic. That's at least something to work from.
A couple of my thoughts for you to consider.
You said that the issue for him was trust, and the issue for you is that you feel he's trying to control you. So there's some balancing thing going on here...
(I'm really hoping that you're not in an abusive relationship; by that I mean he's not attempting to control you or your behavior through verbal, physical or mental abuse. I really don't think that's the case here, but I just want to mention it as a possibility.)
He doesn't trust you completely. Why not? Does he feel that you've let him down in the past, or is he being a bit paranoid? Obviously this has been an issue for you two. Is he jealous for no real reason? This needs to be tackled by both of you if this relationship is going to survive the longterm. No trust, it's going nowhere.
He tries to control you. What does that mean, exactly? Is he trying to keep track of your movements and restrict who you can talk to? Or is it as simple as trying to keep you from doing things by behaving like a pouting child by holding his breath?
You two sound like you need to have a very frank exchange of views, but it has to be done in a loving context, with patience and a true desire to make things better on BOTH your parts. He has to be in this as much as you.
So I propose that you suggest this to him. You two sit and talk, but not about this particular incident. You two sit down and talk about how you're going to discuss problems in the future. Lay out some ground rules for each of you to follow, so that you have a kind of refereed fight, rather than this unworkable situation. At least it's unworkable for you, as it sounds like you always wind up apologizing first.
You could discuss hypothetical situations as examples, but try not to get into a battle about things that haven't happened yet!
He sounds like he needs a little time to get over being really angry. Settle on a reasonable time frame for him to be 'alone' until he calms down enough to discuss it rationally.
He needs to take the ultimatum of 'move out right now' right off the table unless he really does mean it. Saying it in anger, and not really meaning it in the bottom of your heart is a kind of emotional blackmail.
You need to learn to communicate your side of the story, without feeling defensive or aggressive. You clearly have a list of complaints about the way he's been handling the fighting or conflict. Can you tell him calmly how you're feeling?
With regard to this specific incident, you need to listen to his side of the story once he's willing to share it. It sounds to me that he might be feeling a little neglected. Did he expect you to join him early, and he's actually more angry about being rejected than about what you went and did for the evening?
I'd try another note, saying that you're willing to give him a reasonable amount of time, but that you're prepared to discuss this in a calm and loving manner, if he is. If he's not yet, then leave him alone.
I hesitate to suggest that you not apologize, let him stew a bit longer. That would be blowing this all out of proportion, and it seems to me that this incident already is. You two need to learn to fight nicely, with agreed on rules. I know this sounds crazy, but it works if you give it a try.
NOT ALLOWED: name calling; unreasonable requests; low blows; bringing up old, resolved issues; words like 'always' or 'never' or 'you make me feel...'; violence or not listening to the other partner
ALLOWED: honest expression of feelings; a small amount of pouting; words like 'when x happens, I feel...'
RECOMMENDED: repeating what the partner has just shared with you back to the partner, so that you can demonstrate that you've understood the feeling; holding hands or touching during the discussion
I hope this helps somewhat and that you can learn some new techniques for handling these conflicts. I'm still a wee bit worried about the trust/control dynamic, but it may just need some honetst communication between you two to resolve.
All the best!
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A
female
reader, mystifiedme +, writes (23 June 2008):
mystifiedme is verified as being by the original poster of the questionoh I just noticed it's going to take a couple of hours...thats ok then! Phew!
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female
reader, mystifiedme +, writes (23 June 2008):
mystifiedme is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI wrote a big reply and I don't think it got posted...yikes...it was huge!!! lol
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female
reader, mystifiedme +, writes (23 June 2008):
mystifiedme is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTwo very good replies...very different but both acurate!
Tisha...you were right there is more to it...and just girl so were you the wine was just a way for him to start a fight.
He still isn't talking to me so he wrote me an email..explaining a bit...and askin him to give him space...i had already done what Tisha said and worte a wee note pleading htat he communicate with me and try to solve this. Although wish I had of seen the words you used first...much better put...
The background and more info is...
It was my sisters new boyfriend who was on the phone asking us to go up cause my sis had fallen asleep...he lives i another country and was over visiting and like the dummy I am I felt really guilty and sorry for him...it is this that has anoyed my partner! That I went to my sisters to sit and drink with her boyfriend!
In my defence I though the was really going to bed...but thought also he was trying to control me and manipulate me by going to bed because i asked him too many times to let the poor guy call down and have some company with us or for us to go up there.
I think the over riding issue here is trust! I don't think he trusts me...and for me...fear I'm afraid he's trying to control me or manipulate me.
Don;t know what to do still. After he wrote the email i came home and stayed out of his way but popped a wee note under the bedroom door to say please lets talk, its only fair that he here my side of the evenigns events...and he ignored it. So I worte my side of it all down and popped it under the door...he still hasn't got up to even pick it up!
As for how he reacts/communicates in the past...
He could huff forever...I have to break it by apologising...even if i dont' thik i should just becasue it feels like everything will crumble if i don't.
I'm stubborn...but he is a master at it!
But the miraculous thing is that he apologised in his email for the way he treated me, that he realised it was toxic and is sorry but you chose to be sitting havin a drink with some one else.
But thats not how i see it...I chose not to be a victim sitting down stairs feeling sorry for myself cause he would rather be in bed because i tried to get him to go out.
I hope this is clear...you know how it is there are so many levels to it its hard ot talk about it without ranting for ages and borign you all to tears.
Thanks so much for reading this and trying to help me!
Great advice!
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 June 2008):
So what has happened in the past when he finally does start communicating with you again? Does he just start as if nothing has happened? Or do you have a rip-roaring, air-clearing fight, and then work things out? Or do you have a calm discussion after he's calmed down enough to talk?
This is a bit puzzling to me, to be honest. After five years together, you should by now be able to discuss things that are bothering you with each other.
I suspect that the bottle of wine/going to your sister's house incident is not the real issue here. This was a 'last straw' event, there's been other things building up between you two that have not been addressed, I think, and his method of coping with them is to bottle them up until he just simply shuts down on you.
This is not a particularly mature way of handling conflict, as I'm sure you know, but maybe he doesn't know any other way of dealing with things.
It would help us to know how things have been resolved between you in the past, so we could give you some coaching on how to communicate most effectively with him. For now, I would simply write a note to him, and leave it where he can find it. I would write something along the lines of this:
"Dear Partner, I am writing to let you know that I am willing to discuss our issues in a calm and mature manner. I am saddened and frustrated by our inability to communicate effectively and I would like to take steps to resolve our conflict. I hope that you can find it within you to consider this note in the loving and positive spirit in which it was intended."
Then you need to be prepared to have as calm and loving and positive a conflict-resolution discussion as possible. You must be prepared to listen to his complaints, without challenging his feelings. You need to be willing to work on areas that he thinks need improvement. That is, of course, if he is willing to share these with you.
But I really think some more information from you would be helpful here for us to best give our opinions.
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