A
male
age
36-40,
*taliano1188
writes:So I've been dating this guy for about a year now. We have a great relationship. We travel together, care for each other, everything seems fine, but underneath there is something haunting me. He is much older than me. I'm a 20 year old guy, and he is 44, so as you can see age doesn't matter to me at all. The one thing that bugs me is before he and I met, he had just broken up with his ex of about 10 years. That's A LOT if history together. They actually still live together. They both have new boyfriends, and have separate rooms, but are still very much involved with each others' lives. Like best friends. I knew this when we started dating, but i wasn't aware of the extent of it. My bf says that his ex is going to be moving to the east coast in a few months, but he has been saying that since the day we got together. Oh and i failed to mention that they also have domestic partnership together. I've been asking him to get a move on with getting rid of the that and he still has yet to start! THEY BROKE UP A YEAR AND A HALF AGO!!! For some reason my bf isn't ready to tell his family that him and i are together. I opened up my family and friends to him, and moved 400 miles away from home to be with him, and now I'm in this crappy situation. Last night is when i first got very upset about it all. I was walking past my window at my house when i saw my bf drive by in his car for some reason, and his ex was with him. So i called him and he said he was going out to dinner with his family. Why is it that he gets to take his ex to dinner with his family and not me? He claims that his family knows that they are broken up, but why do they run around like they are some cute couple!? Every time i approach him about it, he says I'm being selfish, and not looking at it through his point of view. I'm ALWAYS wrong when it comes to this topic! He is looking for a new house right now and even mentioned that if his ex wasn't ready to move to the east coast by the time he bought his house that maybe his ex could rent a room from him. To me, i think it was COMPLETELY inappropriate to even suggest it. Please help me out here! I need some advice. I don't want to leave him, but I want him to complete his relationship with his ex. There is something in their past that he is not ready to let go of, and until he does i don't feel like their is much room for me. Any advice?Thanks!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2009): sorry you're feeling so down at the moment. The thought that comes to mind for me is 'if you lay on the floor son't be surprised when people walk on you'. You have shown this guy you're commitment to him (moving 400 miles, introducing family etc) he's showing you very little.
I'm not going to suggest leaving him but what about looking at the situation a little differently? Let's assume that him and his ex are just very good friends who happen to no longer be in love with each other, but value to good qualities each has. That's fine, no problem there is there? I think we can grow apart and its lovely if we can remain friends. So tell your man you are fine with his friendship (even if you're not) The issue here is really why he excludes you from family events, why can't you all go? You as his partner and the ex as a family friend? Put that to him and explain that you feel hurt and unimportant to him. It's not about being selfish but about feeling valued. If he really cannot see things from your point of view i would start excluding him from things in my life maybe a taste of his own medicine will help him to see.
Good luck i hope everything works out right for you.
A
female
reader, Jayney Y  +, writes (3 August 2009):
 Hi there,
He thinks you're being selfish? OK, sometimes couples have domestic arrangements which involve joint finances, or they are still friends and don't want to rock the boat, however, when they become involved with someone new, it's time to move on. In taking his ex to family gatherings, there could be two reasons, one is that his family all know his ex and he's in his comfort zone with that familiarity, or, much less innocent, that he actually hopes to get back together with the ex so keeps including him in the sort of things they did together before the broke up. Either way, he's diminishing your relationship by doing that.
It doesn't really sound like their relationship is fully over, (sorry, I know you don't want to hear that but I think you already worked that one out for yourself). After a whole year together, you have every right to be wanting a certain amount of exclusivity with him. How does his ex's new partner feel about their arrangements?
My advice would be - if you are feeling taken for granted and his actions are making you uncomfortable, try to leave the relationship if you can. It really sounds as though he's showing a lack of respect for you and not taking the relationship with you too seriously. Good luck :)
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