A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend that I am in love with told me he is going to spend a couple of months in his country. He has been dropping subtle hints to me that he might get an arranged marriage but he NEVER told me directly. He has to respect his family and go through with it so there is no possible way for us to be together. (I guess he doesn’t love me that much to fight for us either). Before he left we slept together. Then all of a sudden the next few days before he left he was being extremely rude and nasty to me (calling me names, hanging up the phone me) and I just did not understand why because it came out of nowhere! Then he left, I decided to contact his close friend to find out the real situation behind this because I felt he was hiding alot of information from me. His friend told me everything... that he has been talking to the girl who he is being arranged to marry for months now and he is getting married! In fact, he got invited to the wedding, I was in complete shock!!! I was so depressed because my boyfriend did not have the decency to even tell this to me to my face. I feel so hurt, betrayed and played!! He has been talking to this girl for months and he did not even try to break off our relationship. I feel like I have been just used for his amusement and for sex. My best friend was upset that this happened to me, so she said she would help me out. She is from his country as well and decided to call a phone number from his country that I had from him. She called the # up and found out more information. My boyfriend is getting married to his cousin and she is very young!! That got me even more sick to my stomach, I couldn't believe this! However, my friend explained to me that in their culture some families do this to protect their status, wealth, and to get family over to the US etc. My friend told the person all about his past relationships and how he has went out and used girls here in America. This person knows the bride and she said she would tell all this information to her. When we called back, the bride is extremely upset because she did not know anything about his past relationships or of me! But there is nothing the bride can do because the marriage has already been arranged. I understand what she is going through… I mean who wouldn't be upset if they found out their future husband is doing all of this.I feel horrible for the bride, because I didn't want this to happen. She is now depressed and I feel like I ruined their marriage. On the other hand, I want him to suffer because he lied to me and his future bride in the worst possible way. Marriage and relationships are supposed to be built on trust and obviously he has no consideration for that or for us. He is so nasty, I bet his plan is to marry her then stay with her for a few months. Then come back to the US and continue to go out with me like if he never got married. When she finally gets here through sponsorship then what? He’s just going to dump me. I just want to know is this the right thing that I did? Was it my place to do this and tell these things to the bride? I feel horrible… like I ruined their marriage but I am upset too because I was clueless. She needs to know the truth instead of living a lie. I am scared that my boyfriend (now ex!!) is going to come back and find out that I said this information to her. He might try to seek revenge on me too, because I’m not allowed to date (due to culture) and my parents will kill me if they find out! How should I handle that situation? Please help, thanks!
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best friend, cousin, depressed, revenge, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2008): I don't think you should have got anybody involved.It was
between you and him.I mean,of course,the bride to be deserved to know what she was getting into,but I think it
would have been better if you just left as soon as he changed,i.e his behavior.Because most likely,he wouldn't have told you what was going on.But you're right,he should
have had the decency to let you go before he got into this
arranged marriage.
A
female
reader, aphexinfinite  +, writes (16 July 2008):
 well you had your right to express how you felt..and the bride did deserve to know what she was getting into i bet it wouldnt of been long before she found out anyway but i think that if he returns you should chuck him and never speak to him again you can do so much better than him..yes he may seek revenge but hopefully he wont find out..and dont let him threaten you dont let him have power..walk away from this messy situation dont get wrapped up in it..their is no right or wrong answer for telling his bride we all make choices whether their right or wrong its how we learn from them that counts..thats my opinion hope it helps xx
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A
male
reader, OhLawdWhat DoIDo +, writes (16 July 2008):
 Oh dear. It really would have been wise to approach this situation a lot more delicately. Infact it would have been a good move to come to this website to get advice BEFORE you go through with your actions and then ask if you made the right choice. Your fate has already been sealed so to speak.
There is a chance a lot of people are going to get hurt by your actions although that was a premeditated risk you took. Revenge is a sweet dish with a bitter aftertaste. I wouldnt be surprised if he tries to hurt your family by telling them of your relationship with him, especially when he seems like such a dubious and cunning character to begin with. Yup, its pain and misery for everyone! Hoorah!
Did you make the right choice? I'm not sure although sadly I doubt it. There is little you can do about it now anyway so you'll just have to ride this out.
Fingers crossed!
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