A
female
age
41-50,
*utterflyfly
writes:I work with people.. I've known this customer for 3 years. He is in his 60s, retired after a highly paid job, and we've always had a cordial relationship. He is a very nice man who's always had time for other people and he was one of my favorite acquaintances. Recently (6 months ago) his wife of 44 years died and he's been devastated. I expressed my outmost sympathy when I found out, and we'd established to have a coffee together at some point to talk. That never happened, but since then he comes daily to my work and we have a 10min chat. Since his wife died he has become more or less a wreck, I mean his personal appearance had to suffer, his grooming etc, to the effect of my manager getting worried of 'such a type of man’ stalking me. I've had no problem talking to him, because I have been knowing him for a long time and I know he is a respectable person, but I'm starting to get a little uncomfortable, I mean he is always coming and I kind of have to stop everything and give him 10 minutes. Sometimes he comes to me 3 times a day, to tell me his latest news (hospital trips, family visiting etc). He told me the doctor gave him some pills that make him hallucinate. He invited me for a drink next week and I feel like I owe him to accept it, but I feel a bit uncomfortable with it. Should I graciously refuse him? If he was at his best I would have been flattered to have been invited for a drink by him, no problems at all, but the way he is now I’m afraid to do something that might not be wise. The fact that he told me he takes pills that make him hallucinate worried me. What should I do?
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female
reader, Butterflyfly +, writes (8 August 2007):
Butterflyfly is verified as being by the original poster of the question hi skye, thank you for your advice, it makes sense and i dont feel guilty anymore for not wanting to meet him up. meanwhile ive done my best to subtly convey to him ( body language, mentioning i am sooo very busy etc) that im very uncomforable to meeting him up, at htis stage. i think he's got the message cos he didnt ask me again but in turn he offered to lend me some science fiction books that were his wife's favourites. it's all gettng abit creepy on one hand, on the other i think i understand his sorrow but i'd like to not be involved in it too much. i told himive never read a science fiction book but by all means i'll try when i'm not so busy. sometimes it's so hard to say no :). thaks once again for your post.
A
female
reader, skye +, writes (4 August 2007):
 Im sorry that you are in this horrible position. Here is a man you once liked, who is now merely a shadow of his former self. Alarm bells are ringing in your ears and personally I think you should listen to them.
I understand that you do not like seeing him this way and that you are concerned for his health and wellbeing, but you can not allow this to continue. Your manager is concerned for you in this situation, and Id say he has been very gracious by allowing you an extra 30 minutes per day off work to speak with this customer. He sounds like a compassionate man, so I would suggest speaking with him. He already knows the situation (his wifes death and your fondness of him coupled with his declining health and appearance) and will be sympathetic. Ask him to pop over next time you are speaking with this customer and join your chat. Perhaps between the both of you, he could be convinced to visit the doctor again for alternative medication. Perhaps even direct him towards grief counselling in the area. It sounds to me like his wifes death has hit him very hard and im not surprised after 44 years!
You have been an understanding friend to him up to now, but sometimes friends need to get "tough" to help. Ask your boss to back you, and do not go out with him. He is not ready. Help get his life back on track first.
Yake care and good luck,
Skye
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