A
female
age
36-40,
*olo
writes:i've been with my boyfriend for nearly two and a half years,we've always had a great relationship but recently he's been hanging out with his mates 24/7 i wouldnt really have a problem with it but when i want to see him he's never around he's always off with them. we never even get any alone time because when he's 'done' with his mates its really late and i have an early start every morning, if i ring him he starts getting cheeky with me tellin me its his life and he'll do what he wants but all i'm askin for is a bit of time with him he makes it sound like a chore! its putting a real strain on the relationship as were always fighting! I want to give him an ultimatum but am scared incase it back fires!any tips?? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, penta  +, writes (21 September 2007):
 He knows where you are. If he wanted to be with you he'd work to be with you. You're not his priority right now, and you can't MAKE him change his priorities.
Let him know that you would prefer to be with someone who will make YOU a priority, and leave him to his mates. Then go find someone who deserves you, because clearly this guy doesn't.
A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (21 September 2007):
 Well, I am very mean when it comes to things like this...but you could always make it an open relationship, and then ask out one of the mates he hangs with. Let's see where their loyalities are.
If he is not giving you the attention you want, spearate yourself from him, and date other people that do want to give you attention.
-Frank B Kermit
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A
female
reader, rawkstar_247 +, writes (21 September 2007):
 My best advice would be to go with your gut instinct and not give him the ultimatum unless it is something you are actually prepared for. I had a friend who gave the ultimatum and he ended up saying, "Fine! If thats the way you want it, see ya' later!", which was not what she wanted at all and she regrets it to this day.
I get really frustrated when my fiancee doesn't understand that too. When he gets off work, he's never too tired to have people over or to go to so-and-so's house, but if I want to sit and watch a movie or have dinner or something (besides sex), he's "so tired". The best thing I've found is to just sit him down and tell him. My fiancee has a tendancy to get very defensive whenever you bring things up, so I've learned to preface all discussions with, "This isn't an attack on you in any way. We're in a relationship, and I feel it is my responsibility to be honest with you. I am just trying to tell you how I feel, so please bear with me." A lot of times, he doesn't want to hear what I have to say, and I just tell him, "Look. Do you care about me? If so, then you should care about the way I feel. And, if you're the one making me feel badly, you should definitely care enough to at least re-examine the situtaion and try to see things from my point of view."
A lot of times, guys don't seem to understand WHY we get pissed off. They automatically assume its because we're women and we just like to bitch and complain. Not so. Another thing I've found very effective is this: I try to make sure he's calm, and I tell him to honestly think about it. If it was the other way around...how would HE feel? Like if I wanted to go to strippers and see other men shake their stuff in my face, how comfortable would you be? Or if I never made time for you, but had loads of time for everyone else, how would that make you feel? Let him know that you aren't being irrational...you have a REASON.
Short of that, if you try different things and still get no reaction and no appreciation, maybe its time for the ultimatum. If he can't appreciate you or your feelings, then frankly, why bother? Everyone deserves to be appreciated!
Anyways, hope you find this at least a little helpful. Best of luck to you!
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A
female
reader, leanne.od  +, writes (20 September 2007):
 i went through the exact same with my ex, although i cam second to his mates, his car, his guitar... the lot.
anyway, ultimatiums are never good because you go back on your threat of splitting up. he'll say that you are trying to control him, that he has a life aside from you and you are just a part of his. when really he's probably been getting slack from his friends saying he's under the thumb, tight on the leash, you name it they'll have said it. aqnd true to bloke form, he'll listen them to them and expect you to understand.
unfortunately, there's no easy solution because he'll say friend's are for life and girlfriends come and go, so he can't let them down.
you need to decide if you can continue being second best to his friends as continuing in a relationship that has strainuous times, is not healthy.
best of luck
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