A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 months and were friends for a long time before that. He says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and even though i love him and he is an amazing person there are a couple of things that are royally pissing me off... 1. He refuses to get a job, he won't even get a part time job while he tries to find a better one. 2. He has goals but refuses to go after them, blaming a peanut allergy and saying that he has job offers coming from out of the province but doesn't take them because he doesn't want to be too far from me. and 3. He is the most argumentative SOB on the planet. If I try to discuss any problem I have with things he gets defensive and starts a fight, turning everything over on me. I don't know what to do anymore, I'm at the end of my rope. How do I talk to him and get the results I need? I am NOT supporting him for my entire life. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2011): ahh the old "peanut allergy" excuse. Tell him to man up and you're not going to spend the rest of your life with a useless lay about. If that doesn't work throw him out and tell him he is going to have to make some dramatic changes before you'll see him again. Realise that you might not see him again if you do that, but that it will mean you did the right thing.
A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (31 March 2011):
There are two ways to address this issue
1. The take-action way:
Stop financing anything he wants that does not directly benefit you. Divide everything into 50/50. He wants new clothes, fine he can buy them himself. He wants to do/go somewhere? Fine, he can pay for it himself. Dinner? 50/50. He needs to feel it in his pocket. He needs the urgency of money in order to do something about it. He's living comfortably this way, why would he want to work? Change the circumstances and put your foot down.
When in an argument, always stay calm and NEVER, I repeat, NEVER take the bait. Because that is what he does. He gets you offended and angry so he can point a finger at you and tell you how unreasonable you are. You need to be ridiculously calm and reasonable so the only ugly behavior standing out is his. People get worn out by this approach very quickly, I know from experience.
2. The speech way:
When he talks to you about wanting to spend the rest of his life with you, tell him that this is not going to happen unless he learns to stand on his own legs and create his own income. If he gets angry, you tell him you want him to get a job instead of talking about it and you want him to reach his goals instead of talking about reaching them. Tell him that right now he isn't someone you can depend on and that if you two are to have a future, this needs to change immediately.
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