A
female
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anonymous
writes:I feel like I am being manipulated by a man who loves me a lot. I thought I was so deeply in love with him but gradually all the pleasure is seeping out of our relationship. He is changing his behaviour towards me, I think he is not aware of what he does but as he feels he loves me so much I should accept him as he comes. It is almost like he thinks I should be grateful to him for loving me so much. He is starting to be more selfish and less caring about my likes and is doing what he wants more. When he hits a point when he has behaved too badly he switches on the charm which of course works on me. The sex is fantastic and he is very interesting and confident which makes him very attractive to me - but I keep feeling like things are not right - not as they should be but every time I voice a dispproval he has a clever answer to just keep me there with him. Things are deteriorating and I dont want an ugly situation - I had one already - verbal only - I feel another will come - I dont want to take action but I dont want to experience another. If I face him with how I feel he will have all the right answers or he will say OK I will back off then and he knows that will be hard for me to accept. It is like he has me hooked - I feel for him but I also feel things are not right but I cannot do anything about it. I am hooked with a guy that has the power to make me so happy but he witholds it unless I reach a point where I feel he has behaved unaccpetably then he has the right words or actions to keep me in there. How do I handle this man? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou so much neonpinkngooey for your answer. It has helped me a lot to thonk of the situation differently and intelligently and since things have been better but that is the way with this guy - he just knows when he has pushed me too far and then turns on the charm that is why I feel manipulated. I do love him a lot - it is pure feeling - nothing to do with what I think about him - I just feel for him which is unlike any relationship I had before which was always worked out in my head as a good right way to go rather than how I felt which is why I feel so unsure about this man. I talk a lot on the phone with him and he just charms me but I also see so many things wrong with this guy but nothing so bad that I can say iit s unacceptable - he lies but only small ones to not hurt my feelings - if I ever want to know the truth to a big question I get total somtimes brutal honesty which is I very much appreciate. He womanises but that is his way - he tries to make everyone happy - men and women but that means telling women flattering things - he does it openly infront of me and I sometimes tell him I am jealous but it is not so bad that I can say he has done anything really wrong. He drinks and "smokes" a lot but he is really trying hard to cut back but sometimes he slips and he again does nothing really wrong but goes a bit cross eyed and is difficult to talk to. He is a character that I find very interesting. He has a strong sense of right and wrong in the way he deals with people that I respect a lot but it is mixed in with all these other things - The behaviour that I object to the most is the way when he feels like it he almost stops talking to me. I dont know why - it is like he is just being himself as though I am not there - he has nothing to say so he doesnt try to chat - he is with me and just dreams and smokes and it is like I am not there. Also at times he can snap at me in a really rude way - unecessarily rude and unreasonable - he can be generally rude - I think it is the smoking that lifts him to happy happy then drops him to irritable without him realising. He also has a terrible unreasonable temper -sometimes his brain locks onto a wrong idea and he just cannot let go - again could be the smoking effect. He does not mean to do anything wrong - he'll say he is tired or just looks at me and smiles and doesnt answer - when I make a point of saying how unhappy I am he switches on the charm and always more than makes up for it or if he has a smoke he is over the top fun and happy. Reading back it does not sound so bad - he always asks me what I want to do and we do what I want - he does not go out with friends much - sex is fantastic but I have this parallel feeling of being unsure of him - I feel liike he is thinking things he would not tell me I feel like I am able to trust him - when I am with him I feel much better unless he is having a quiet time - but away from him I feel so suspicious of what is really going on in his mind. I think it is because he changes his behaviour so drastically not just with me but he can switch in the charm at any time if he meets someone. He goes from almost silent quiet with me to over the top laughing and joking with someone else - so it is as if he behaves as required at the time - so what is his genuine feeling? I know he loves me deeply but I feel he has an underlying plan that I am a part of but not the whole picture. Sorry this is so long but he is a complicated guy. I love hiim so much but I worry that if I committed to him he would not be the same person - he would stop turning on the charm and I would be so hurt. Sometimes I worry that this is a relationship that I have to experience that I cannot end until I have been deeply hurt. Sorry again for the length of this but can you understand my concerns and worries? I do appreciate brutal honesty. Maybe that is the key - I need honesty and I am not sure I am getting it but I love him too much to end it and I know he loves me and he does treat me so well in many ways but the most important thing for me - trust and honesty I feel are missing but I am not sure......
A
female
reader, neonpinkngooey  +, writes (17 June 2007):
 Well. now that you realize that you are being manipulated by him, it wouldn't be so hard to stop this pattern. i am a little confused about how he does things that you don't approve of. do you mean that he spends a lot of time with his friends instead of you, or that he never wants to do what you want to do when you are with him? you have a couple of choices. either you can learn to be just as independent as he is, and do what you want to do, with or without him. or, you can confront him. if he turns on his charm, don't give in; be a little stubborn. in this case, his answers should never be the right answer. no matter how he justifies his actions, you still have a reason for being upset. the fact of the matter is, he hurts your feelings, and there is no right answer or argument that can change that. rather, he can change his ways, or maybe you can make a compromise. if his only solution is "backing off" then maybe you should let him. in time, he will come around. there is no need to feel as if you can't survive without him.also, if he feels that you are somehow "lucky" to be with him, maybe you shouldn't dignify his ego. you should, in turn, make him feel lucky to have you.good luck!
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