A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:A bit of history. My boyfriend and I have been together over 2 years. When we first met I was living with my former boyfriend who was an alcoholic. It was a very unhealthy relationship to put it mildly. My current boyfriend and I met and became friends towards the end of this relationship. He would listen to me complain about my boyfriend and tell me I deserved better and shouldn't let him manipulate me in that manner, etc. When it became evident the relationship had no hope of surviving, I broke it off with my ex, though as we shared a lease we continued to live together for several months in seperate rooms. During this time, my current boyfriend and I started dating. He was everything I'd wanted. So sincere and caring, and the most honest person I thought I'd ever met. He had a way of challenging me, of being honest when he disagreed with me that still made me feel like he was on my side. He did little things for me all the time. If I had a bad day, he'd spend the whole next day doing something nice for me (picking me flowers, writing me notes, ect.) When I came home from work he looked happier than a puppy wagging his tail. He loved every minute he was with me and when I would go out with my friends or we were apart, he'd text me saying he loves me and hoped I was having a good time. The sex was phenomenal. I'd never felt completely compatible in that regard with anyone else. I was the happiest I'd ever been and thought I'd finally found the person I would be with forever. Throughout our relationship both of us have always been very active. I run 5 miles every day and he works out every day, though he does more competitively with his friends. The last few months everything has changed. His friends and his competitiveness seems to have become all that matters to him. Instead of being excited to see me now, he acts like he's disappointed when I come home because it means time away from his buddies or his activities. When he does things with me now, he's constantly texting or calling his buddies. We never have any alone time anymore even when we're alone. His interest in sex has declined too, and when I asked him about it he told me it's because he's stressed about family things but he refuses to talk to me about them. I went out of town for a weekend a couple weeks ago and told him before I left that I'd miss him. Instead of saying it back, he got angry and told me I needed to not be so dependent on him and a weekend apart was no big deal. When I try to talk to him about the growing separation between us he gets angry and tells me he "doesn't need another mother and get off his back". When I cry he gets angry and mocks me with fake sobs, then throws it in my face later that "all I ever do is cry". He's a completely different person and I'm utterly bewildered as to what has changed him. I stay in the relationship because I love him and because since I do not know what has changed in him. I can't understand if this is just a rough patch he's going through or if his true colors are being revealed. I don't want to leave him if this is just a hard time for him. And I don't want to be without him... though sometimes I wonder if I really love him or the person I thought he was. He's not only lost interest in me but everything that used to be important to him.. school, his career, his family.. all have taken a back seat to his competitiveness and his budddies. He's gone from being an incredibly motivated, funny, caring person to being the most selfish, angry person I know. I am so sad I cry nearly every day, though I try not to let him see or know that I'm crying anymore. I don't know what to do. I hope someone will read this rambling post in it's entirety and offer some suggestions. Please don't comment with just that I should leave him. I have my moments where I think that too... but the problem is I don't know how or why, so that doesn't help me much.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, bagsy81  +, writes (7 August 2008):
 Have you noticed a physical change in him? As in he is gaining a lot more bulk that you may have put down to the fact he is spending so much time at the gym with the guys? It COULD be possible that with the mood swings and anger coupled with yes to my previous question that he could be using steriods.Its a suggestion and I could be way off. It affects sex drive, personality and physicality - and depending on what type or the amount the reaction could be extreme.How ever what the lady before me said could also be true.I think right now you need to find your strength and do exactly what he is suggesting - be more independant! Choose a friend you sincerly trust, let them know everything and ask to do girls nights out, then stay over at hers instead of going home (let him know your plans) do this every so offten. At weekends make arrangements to do things that don't include him. This way your start to know if your preffer to be with out him and he will also see what life with out your caring looks like and see what happens. Good Luck and I hope you are ok XXX
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2008): Sorry you're going though this. A few possiblities come to mind(and it could be any of them combined)-
1) He's cheating, or thinking of cheating
2) He's suffering from depression/anxiety
3) He's the kind of guy who really enjoys the 'chase' and the early stage of the relationship but doesn't know how to handle the longer term. Of course, if that's true you can do the whole 'hard to get' thing but that can get real tiring...
4) He has an abusive personality that he hid from you initially.
His behaviour is very odd and if it changed without anything obvious from the outside causing it (like major bereavement, job loss...), I'd really wonder if there wasn't someone else in the picture... He might be feeling guilt, confusion or irritation at his situation which is making him act cold... or get depressed.
My major suggestion, however this turns out:
Take great care of yourself. Don't buy into any criticism, snide comments or subtly abusive messages he may give - they are HIS problem, not your fault. So don't not blame yourself in any way for what has happened here. The loving thing for him to do if there were a problem would be to honestly talk it through with you. Cutting you off cold is just cruel. So really look to the rest of your life as much as you can for suppport, nurturing and growth while you come through this. You will win all round if you do this, whatever ends up happening.
Turn to your friends, your family, everyone in your life you trust (and build up those relationships as much as you can) to keep your self esteem high and to help you keep perspective.
In any event, if it's what you want, I think the greatest chance you have of saving your relationship is by looking after yourself and not letting this drag you down. By the time you've done that, you can better work out what you want for the future....
Take care, I give this advise as was in a similar (utterly baffling, horrible and painful) situation with a guy who drove me into the ground, I really wish you all the best. To be honest I never really understood what was going on with that guy, I don't know if I ever will, but now it's over (nearly 3 years past) he suddenly can't apologise enough for his terrible behaviour (which he could never admit at the time). Whether this apology means anything whatsoever is a different matter of course.... and I have moved on now anyway :-)
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