A
female
age
41-50,
*ntoniaLynn
writes:I need a guys point of view on this...what does he mean?Back in December a guy I had met through friends asked me if I wanted to start a band, as he plays guitar and I sing and am learning guitar. It was just an acoustic thing to play locally.We started practicing a lot and became great friends, writing songs, we had the same group of friends so we were together a lot. Finally it got to the point where we were spending days on end together and not even realizing it (while obviously all of our friends did). He started doing cute little things like kissing me when we were out and holding my hand between bars. About two months ago he finally asked me "out". Nothing has changed, actually only gotten better, now the band is just another one of the great things we do together. We see each other every day, he usually stays at my place and I will stay with him once or twice a week.He asked to have his parents over to my house. He introduces me to all of his friends, doesn't deny that we are together, but keeps saying he doesn't want to be in a relationship...ok this confuses me because he (...keep in mind, its usually when he's drunk, he's not one for expressing himself)...says that he thinks people are jealous of what we have and how great we are together, that we spend so much time together and hardly ever disagree. We have a couple of "couple" friends we go places with, like for a weekend, and are actually talking about going on a cruise in 6 months. He has a 9 month old little girl that he wants me there every time he gets her.Everything is really great...except...He's not affectionate to me at all. We have only ever had sex 2 times and we were both so drunk we barely remember. He lets me be affectionate to him, rub his shoulders, play with his hair, I'll give him a kiss on the cheek goodbye in the morning. But outside of that there is nothing anymore, not even the cute kisses and hand holding from a couple months ago. He has also made remarks that he doesn't care if he ever has sex again...weird thing to say i think.He says he loves that he can be himself with me, which I am really glad for. Yesterday he texted me and told me i am "seriously the best". And I recently found out he told a mutual friend the other weekend when we were away that he "could fall in love with me". So you see...I am getting all these mixed signals and I just don't even know where to go. Do I just keep waiting it out for him to figure out whatever is going on in his head (is he scared?). or is this the way its gonna be? How do I get him to express himself without scaring him. I know he was in bad relationships before, particularly with his daughters mother, he really was treated bad and I don't know what else I can do to help him understand I'm not like that. I don't want to pressure him at all...I just he was at least affectionate or something to show me that he cares...i guess I'm just confused with the mixed signals. What should I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2007): I am going through a similar thing with a guy who has a child and had a horrible relationship with the girl's mother, and she still treats him bad....my guess is he is afraid of getting you pregnant, he does not want to be saddled with another child and forced in a realtionship that he does not want right now.....having a kid is a huge responsibility both monetarily and emotionally and it changed his bachelor life forever.
I think all the signs are there that he is thinking of you as his girlfriend, the biggest one is he is talking 6 months down the road going on a trip with you.
I think you need to let him know your agenda is not to trap him into marriage by getting pregnant or by any other means, that you don't take that sort of thing lightly and you are an independent woman who can take care of herself and is not trying to fill an open position for husband or anything else for that matter....
You could also try not just falling into the pattern of seeing him nightly, as this is too much like playing house, make him work to have access to you and to make a date with you, guys need to feel like they are winning you over incrementally and that it is him you are into, not that you just have an open position, boyfriend to fill.
A
female
reader, FoxyR  +, writes (26 June 2007):
 hi
i'm not a guy but i have 5 brothers and i know how confusing they can be. My brothers sometimes act the same way. One minute they like someone the next they don't. Its a guy thing. What i think you should do is talk to him when he says you're "seriously the best" and when he compliments you, thats when you should pop the question and ask him whats going on.
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A
female
reader, AntoniaLynn +, writes (26 June 2007):
AntoniaLynn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnyone's help would be great...but especially an option from a guy would be great.
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