A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I am new to this so very nervous. I really need some advice about my partner. I have been with him for just over a year and I feel like I can't do anything right.He mentally abuses me constantly..well this is what I'm guessing it is?! He will tell me everyday that I don't give a shit about him and I don't put any effort into the relationship. Saying constantly "just tell me, you don't want to be with me do you?" He tried to make me choose between him and my job and when I refused he told me it was because I didn't care about him! He tells me I'm cheating if I go to my friends,making me feel guilty as my time should be with him! ( I spend all my spare time with him to avoid an argument) every time he texts me, I try to word things right so not to upset him but what ever I write, is wrong! And again I am accused of not putting effort in or not wanting to be with him! He uses sex against me... that if I refuse it's clear to him that I don't want him! I'm crying writing this as can see how ridiculous it all sounds...why would anyone need advice on this! If this was one of my friends I know exactly what I would say...but I do actually love him. Help! Any advice would be great!!!
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (30 November 2018):
 Good, I’m glad to hear the update!
You will honestly find someone who treats you right and you’ll wonder what the hell you were doing staying with this guy for so long. He knows he can’t control you anymore so he has resorted to underhand name calling, only confirming the sort of man he is!
Good luck for the future.
A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (30 November 2018):
 Good for you OP! It isn't easy right now for you but things will get better just give it time. You did the right thing for yourself and saved yourself much hurt and pain that would have occurred had you stayed in the relationship. Just remember not to get weak and allow him back into your life. He may be calling you names now but don't be surprised if he tries to win you back by acting all sweet and promising to change. Controlling people can be very manipulative and persuasive when they want something. Don't fall for the sweet talk..stay strong. If it was me I would block him from any way of being able to reach you. You are going to be ok and you come out of this and one day you will look back on the whole situation and be glad that you walked away. Take care of yourself!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 November 2018):
 Good for you.
And remember any name he "calls" you, is not a reflection of you... but of him.
I would also find a big box and start putting ANYTHING that is his into it. If possible have a male friend/family member drop it off at his mom's house then CUT all contact if you haven't already.
All the best to you!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have asked him to leave , he's going to be staying at his mum's. I'm evil and a psycho apparantly but didn't expect anything less than name calling to be fair. He hates now I'm fighting back...I guess that's him losing his control over me? Xx
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (20 November 2018):
 Just because he has nowhere to else to live does not mean he cannot FIND somewhere else to live. However, he must realize you MEAN IT when you tell him he has to go.
Check out with Citizens' Advice what your legal rights are and how to go about getting him out of your house. A solicitor's letter should improve his focus.
If he starts trying to talk you round, simply walk away and say "This is not up for discussion".
If you really want him out, you CAN do it. You ARE strong enough. Make plans and stick to your guns. The minute he is gone, get your locks changed.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 November 2018):
Give him 30 days to find another place and then EVICT him (if he has MAIL going to your place you might NEED to evict him - so DO figure out what the LEGAL process is.)
Once you get the ball rolling it might get "easier for you.
It's really not ANYONE's fault that you two ended up not being as well suited as you had hoped, HE made the choice to give up his apartment (rental I guess?) you didn't "MAKE" him do that! And you don't OWE him to suck up this treatment because he is pulling the "woe is me, I have no place to go" card. Tell him you want him out BEFORE Christmas, then go down to CITY HALL (usually where you have to file for an eviction) and get the paperwork started, should be around $30-50? (from what I have heard).
This isn't going to get better and the SOONER he is out the door the better. YES, I know it's hard to kick someone out. I don't envy you, but you NEED to do this or he will suck the "life" out of you.
And sorry, it's NOT really your problem that he hasn't anywhere to go. Giving him 30 days (or whatever an eviction notice tells you to give him) is pretty generous consider how he has treated you.
I think you can call his behavior/abuse style - gas-lighting. Look it up. It might enlighten you.
YOU can do this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much. This post is exactly what I needed. I felt like I was going mad and it was all my fault (as that is what I am made to feel everyday) however much effort I made..it was never good enough!
He is in my house...this is the problem I have...he just talks me round when I ask him to leave and when you love someone that's very easily done. He tells me he gave up his flat to live with me...so obv that's my fault too that he has No whwhee
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 November 2018):
I hope you do walk away and BLOCK all contact.
This isn't a loving person. This isn't love.
And let's for a moment... entertain that what he is saying is true.. that you don't understand him at all... or don't show him enough love.... THEN WHY IS HE WITH YOU?!
Good luck OP and DO take care when you end it with this man. Consider doing it either over the phone, or with a friend nearby in a public space.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2018): I was with a man like this that’s how I know. He used his fake love on me when he felt he was losing control. He broke me down and I literally crawled on my hands and knees to get out emotionally. But I’m stronger now and you will be too. It’s hurts SO badly but one day you will say what the heck was I thinking? It’s not your fault he’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing. He presented himself as everything you wanted. He’s an abusive, narcissist with no self esteem. If you don’t leave, he will leave you and you’ll feel worse. Write out all you have to say to him, get ALL your things and GO. Please do this! I’m still resolving problems he caused me months ago. He will destroy you and then mock you while he moves on to his next victim.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHoneypie
You make perfect sense!
I have had that tonight.. I don't understand him, I don't listen to him...and again my favourite "I'm not making effort" because I went home to spend a few hours alone whilst he worked. He constantly tells me how I make him feel..but never wants seems to care how he makes me feel! Thank you for your advice everyone, I think I knew myself it wasn't right but it's so hard when someone makes you feel as if you are in the wrong all the time.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (14 November 2018):
Find a therapist who can help you learn to value yourself
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 November 2018):
If he was that great guy that pops out every now and then, you wouldn't have the abusive, manipulative and controlling behaviors at all. He would just be a decent guy.
Your man, on the other hand, KNOW that in order to keep a woman hooked you need bait. His bait of choice is being "OH so lovely" sprinkled in with his crappy behavior. To keep the woman off balance and unsure IF she is just not "understanding" him well enough, or doing things wrong and thus "deserve" the abuse.
OP, you know what to do, it's your life. YOU are actually in change of how people treat you. When you ALLOW a man to treat you like shit because you "love him" - since when is "love" an excuse to hurt someone else?
HE isn't going to change. IF he felt he was behaving poorly he would have changed a long time ago, but the thing is... YOU still stay, even when he walks all over you.
I hope for your sake that you realize you can do SO much better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question"He is an abuser!!! He uses his fake love to keep you hooked"
This is the line that hit he most as I was going to say,when he's nice, he really is lovely! And I think this is what keeps me hooked! As I think that's the real him and may be I can get him to be like that all the time! And then he turns,and makes me feel like I've caused the argument somehow?!
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (14 November 2018):
People in abusive relationships always think they can ‘change’ their partner if they continue to ‘love’ them. That will never happen. They will break you down until you’re their puppet and you do everything they say.
OP, I don’t THINK he doesn’t respect you, I KNOW he doesn’t.
Get out whilst you still can.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (14 November 2018):
What is it you love about him? There is nothing in your post that gives a clue to this. He is controlling. He is possessive. He is manipulative. Believe me when I say, HE does not love YOU. You are just there to be moulded into someone who will keep HIM happy. Your feelings are of no consideration to him whatsoever. Does that sound like love?
You are still at a stage where you have some control over your life. This will eventually fade and you will be so brainwashed by him, you will believe the cr4p he is telling you. You will believe you should spent ALL your time with him. You will believe you are not worth better. You will believe you should not have friends. You will believe he knows best.
For crying out loud, get out while you still have some strength. The longer you stay, the harder this will be.
Your "love" for him is not going to make him a better person. It is not even going to make him a NICE person. If only you could see you deserve so much better.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (13 November 2018):
You are with a man that is a controller. He wants to control every part of you and your life, get you to the point where you will be totally dependent on him. DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN! He is also being abusive and the odds are it will get worse as time goes on.
Ask yourself this...if your sister/daughter/friend came to you and told you what you are telling us, what would you tell them? You'd tell them to get away wouldn't you? I hope that you would. Love yourself enough to know when to walk away my dear. The sooner the better. Sometimes we love the wrong people it happens but you don't have to stay in a bad relationship and this one is bad and will get worse if you allow it to. Get out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2018): He is an abuser!!! He uses his fake love to keep you hooked. He has no self esteem and one day he’s going to really flip out on you. Then he’ll move on to the next victim. He doesn’t love you as he barely loves himself. I’m sorry you’re going through this. There IS a real man that will truly love you out there but you will never find him while you’re this abuser’s prisoner.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 November 2018):
Good GRIEF, woman!
What exactly do you love about him?!
Misery likes company, HE is misery. Does mean HE is miserable. No, he quite ENJOYS making YOU miserable.
He is trying to isolate you. First from your job (so you would be TOTALLY dependent on him) and now from your friends. And you didn't play into it with your job, so WHY are you doing it with your friends? You say you spend ALL your free time with him, because you don't want to upset him. Or have him accuse you or cheating if you spend time with friends.
THIS is TYPICAL abuser behavior. Text book.
He might have some good qualities, that made you fall for him in the first place. I'd call those BAIT. Because the rest of his "attributes" such and accusing you of cheating, having you walk on eggshells when you text in case you "type" the wrong thing, avoiding your friends etc. etc. ARE ALL TOXIC behaviors.
I'm also certain that you are SMART enough to know HE WILL NOT change. THIS is who he is, it might even escalate to him being violent to control you further.
You know what to do. LEAVE, END it and block all access.
Love isn't the reason you are still with him.
So why ARE you still with him? You think you can FIX him, if ONLY you do EVERYTHING right? If you try to be "more" perfect, HE will be perfect?
That isn't realistic. What IS realistic is that he will escalate. He uses, manipulation, control, and abusive behaviors. But you haven't seen it all. Because for now YOU are trying to be that "perfect" GF in hopes that will make HIM a better man. IT WON'T. He would have you running barefoot on coal and then accuse you of for someone else. Or that you didn't do it right.
You need to get out NOW.
HALF the World's population is male. It's NOT like you can't find yourself another man. A BETTER man. A man more suited for you. Who will love you, respect you, care for you, trust you and honor you.
THIS isn't THAT guy.
You know what to do, so DO it.
A DECENT man would NOT want a partner to cut contact with friends, wouldn't hold sex over your head, accuse you of cheating etc.etc.
So you know HE IS NOT a decent man.
I hope you get your courage up ASAP and leave him. I suggest you confide in a friend(s) for support. Before you break up, make sure you get ALL your stuff from his place and put back ANY that he has at yours.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (13 November 2018):
 I can't see anything changing anytime soon, and i don't think he will ever change either. I thnk that you need to find the courage and leave this relationship, i feel the longer you leave it the harder it will become.
I know its a daunting prospect, the thought of leaving a partner, the thought of being alone, never meeting anyone else. I can assure you, you will not be alone, and you will eventually meet someone nice who gives you the love and respect that you so rightly deserve.
Confide in family and friends, im sure they will all be right behind you on this. Take some time out of a relationship and work on getting your self back togther and have some well deserved fun. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your reply. I often wonder what I love about him and my friends ask me the same. Maybe I'm hoping he will change... stupid I know! Do you think he has No respect for me...I feel pretty stupid asking that, so I suppose that answers it!
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (13 November 2018):
Do you think marriage would change this? Having a child together? You need to accept that this will be your life as long as you stay with this guy. He’s an abuser, you’re right. Using manipulation tactics to control you, how long before it becomes physical? Do you honestly think this is what love is? I couldn’t imagine speaking to my girlfriend in this manner, it wouldn’t ever cross my mind to ask her those kind of questions to control her.
Don’t you think that you could find someone who treats you right? Are you planning on putting up with this for the rest of your life? This guy is a lowlife and has no respect for you. What do you love about him? Sounds like a nightmare from what you’ve described. Tell your mother how he treats you and see what she says. I bet you wouldn’t dare to.
Leave this guy, you’ll find someone who treats you right and you’ll wonder how you wasted a year and a half on this asshole.
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