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female
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*weetpea
writes: I posted a while back about not being friends with an engaged male.... I need to change that. I don't think I see him as a friend! We had an affair earlier in the year and because I'm an emotional person, we fell out over me over reacting. Since then, we've sort of begun to talk again. Ive not seen him since, but he's always mentioning it. Only I lost my temper at him, again, because I didnt like him flirting with someone in front of me, when he ignores me most of the time!Anyway, Ive since apologised for over reacting and he's said sorry cuz he never realised how he was making me feel.I suppose what my point is... I've still got feelings for him and I can't stand it because one minute he'll ignore me, the next he'll suggest coming over. What am i meant to do? He's not one for heart to hearts.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2005): Dear Sweetpea:
Love is and always will be a man’s prerogative. Even for women they absolutely fawn over, love is a clever transaction. Your priority is to be, and stay in control. The rewards of being happy in a relationship far outweigh the pleasure of pursuing one. Women like action, they like the thrill of the chase, unfortunately there isn’t as much status long term for women who actively pursue. Our status comes from providing a mental challenge for ourselves first, then for the men we attract. You have to decide early what track you’re on. Are you jamming to Heatwave’s Always and Forever, or Toni Braxton’s Unbreak my heart.
What to do? Choose your favorite form of exercise, clear your head and think about what you want in a relationship, you already know but you’ve got to get the fine details back in focus. Next, think of why you like this man, is he a hot-boy that gets all the girls, or a reformed nice guy that’s recently discovered his prowess? If he’s the latter he may have some wild oats to sew. Don’t get consumed. If he’s a ladies man he may be a good relationship mentor, but if you want him to be your man exclusively he’ll be the rock you break yourself against.
Our Hollywood dating culture seems to suggest that once you have the relationship everything after is anticlimactic. To get the thrill again you have to start with someone new, or at least rekindle an old flame. Engagement party in December, look up old girlfriend in February. Groom kisses the bridesmaid in the catering closet three hours before the wedding; husband fondles babysitter while son/daughter sleeps upstairs? You get the picture (We won’t name names).
Take inventory on your relationship history. Do you think you have what it takes to get into a relationship with a man that doesn’t excite, upfront, all the energy and passion you have for this guy? Why should this matter? Men respond to the women that don’t care all that much. On the flip side it’s easy to be natural with a guy you’re not that into. Somewhere there’s a guy in your circle that’s attractive, smart and you somehow overlooked him. He’s the one.
However, right now you need to wrestle your self-esteem back from Mr. Heartbreak. Here are a few tips:
• Don’t take anything he does or says personally. Study his movements and adopt the traits that work for him. Being inconsiderate is inappropriate but putting people at ease is a wonderful business skill. It sounds like he's really good at this.
• He flirts, you blink slowly, square your shoulders,and clasp your hands like a patient professor. Change the conversation, and cut back on his ration of physical contact for each infraction. No quarreling, no emotion.
• If you’re walking down the street and usually hold his arm, when his eyes glaze at a pretty lady don’t fret; (don’t’ scoff at the lint balls on her leg warmers.) Lean into his arm for 2 more seconds, pat ol’ boy on the shoulder gently, step away and talk about something you on saw on CNN.
• If he usually calls every day and switches up to twice a week be real cool when he does call; cool not cold. He asks you how you’re doing—the answer is “Great.” This after all is the right answer. You’ve discovered water aerobics in December at the gym, or 5$ salsa classes on Fridays; D&G ankle boots at 50%, finished a great novel.. etc.
• No more two hour conversations. They only increase the opportunity to say the wrong thing and run up minutes on your cell phone. Only let him talk for 15 minutes and that is to decide where you’d like to go out and when. If he’s got game then he has to pay to play.
• He has to see you in a public setting where others have the opportunity to admire you. Be well dressed but a little trendier than the crowd.
• He wants to talk to you there should be a sexy martini in front of you. Only one, you need to be thinking clearly. If you’re not old enough to drink then he’s spotting you for appetizers and a Shirley Temple at Olive Garden. Set your cell phone to ring 45 minutes into the date and excuse yourself.
• When you have a moment size him up against the list you created for what you want in a relationship. If he measures up but you still feel uneasy, create a better list. If he doesn’t measure up it may be time to think about taking a language class, joining a co-ed softball team in the spring, or saving up for photography classes.
In short there are many guys that are Mr. Right. You only have to increase your standards, and your tolerance for happiness. Water seeks its own level so to find the guy that doesn’t flirt in front of you, you have to be the woman that respects relationships; is too busy to notice him; and is too hot to care.
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