A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 months (both of us 20 years old). We both knew from the start that it would be a serious relationship and I think of him as my best friend as well as my boyfriend.The thing is this is my first relationship, but not his. He's had two 19 month relationships before me. Every now and again this thought pops up, and it hurts. He's my first boyfriend, first kiss and I imagine if our relationship carries on, as I'm sure it will, he'll be the first I can say I'm in love with and the first I have sex with. I know he's not a virgin, so he's done all this before and I hate to think of him doing this with some one else, and being in love with some one else and just sharing all the little, but special day to day experiences that you have in a relationship.I don't know much about either relationship and I don't want to ask him much more in case there's an answer I don't want to hear. But I really want to feel special to him. I can't say that I want him to forget his past girlfriends, but I hope he doesn't think of them too often or wish that they'd lasted. I want him to like me / love me as he hasn't liked / loved either of his past girlfriends before and I feel that until we get to 19 months these feelings of jealousy will keep burning in me.I'm really trying to be mature about it, but sometimes it's just so hard. I really like him, and I don't want let this hurt or jealousy impact our relationship. Has anyone got any advise, or stories of their own that would help me feel better?Thank you
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (11 July 2013):
 What you're going through is called retroactive jealousy, which means you're obsessing a bit over his past. It's common and can go in one of two ways -- you can either accept it, come to grips with it and let it fade with time, intimacy and knowledge, or you can nurse it, indulge the thoughts and obsession, constantly hound him about it, and let it ruin your relationship.
Understand this -- EACH person is new. Him being with you is as special for him as it is for you. You are new. With you, it's every bit as much the FIRST TIME. You are different and unique, and his past history has zero bearing on your present relationship. He's not allowing images of his past to enter when you two are together.
When you kissed him, it was every bit as magical and special for him as well. You've been with him for 8 months and you haven't had sex yet?? That should show you there that his waiting for you means he values YOU = The Person over the sexual experience. If you weren't as special, he would not date you, but rather get cheap and easy sex on the side.
When he's with you, it *is* the first time. Actually, there are advantages to you being a virgin when he isn't, meaning many times it's quite awkward and uncomfortable on our first time. Most guys with some experience aren't awkward and fumbling like they are on their first time. Your experience will be better, because he knows (unless he's a complete idiot and was actually losing his virginity to a toaster oven instead of a woman) how to be gentle, something many virgin guys either don't know or forget.
You say that until you get to the 19 months, you'll be jealous? Why that number, because that's his past relationship length? You're not waiting until that number to have sex with him, are you?? I wouldn't if I were you, not unless you're saving yourself for marriage. But don't base anything you do or feel on his past sexual history, or you'll cripple your relationship, and it'll feel like emotional punishment.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2013): Like the last poster said, it's going to drive you into a downwards spiral into hell if you live comparing yourself to his exes- everyone has little quirks and different qualities that for some reason were just drawn to! I've had 2 boyfriends 1. Was a partly psychotic bad boy with a lot of sex appeal and a crazy mind lol . I never think of him and he's in the past! 2. Was a guy that I still think of and miss everyday- he was no catch but he was a cool, quirky and nice guy- that I just wouldn't want to go there again. It's in the past! Mention your concerns to him, as he'll somehow reassure you in some way. And I think stuff like this needs to be communicated in the relationship.Forget about them. What do you find desirable and sexy about yourself? It's a weird question lol but as you find who you are as you get older, you will understand what makes you tick. Have confidence to explore yourself- I think it's liberating for people always strive to better themselves and get out their comfort zone, explore a passion and work to your strengths. We all have them :) Remember this is a serious relationship and it genuinely sounds like he is seriously into you- for YOU. Nd I would imagine it's guna be quite exciting for him to have something rare and special like you- it's like underage sex is some kind of fashion these days, I had my first kiss at 20 too- and then some more... ;) lol! But not full sex. Get out there and kudos to you lol ! :) xx
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 July 2013):
 I'm married to my FOURTH husband.
I loved husband one when I loved him and I have two children with him. I don't think of him much at all and never compare him to the current spouse or any other spouse
we don't talk about #2
I loved number 3 very much and in fact, just got off the phone with him... we are still friends but I never think of him when I am with my husband.
I married #4 and I love him and do not compare him to others in terms of love...
all my past partners have made me who I am today... without my first marriage and children I would not be the woman I am today... perhaps those relationships in the past helped shape the man you currently care about... without those past girls he might not be who he is today.
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